Children and chronic illness

[Guest guest]

I must admit that I read the posts about having children and being

ill twice. I am glad to hear that those of ya'll who have raised a

family while living with this disease have such a warm and

understanding relationship with your kids.

My mother was my age now when I was born. My parents were in poor

health most of my life and I spent more time caring for them as a

teen and adult then most people could imagine. Perhaps that is why

I am a nurse now. I have no regrets and feel no remorse whatsoever

to my parents only that they did not live long enough to know my

children.

Now; my children are still young. 9; 14 & 18. Yes I have many

times felt heartache that I have not been able to do with them as my

peers do with theirs. Sometimes I cant even have a hug without

having pain. Imagine telling your baby not to hug you so hard. The

feelings they must have and the fear of harming me must be

tremendous. I try to get them to discuss their feelings with me and

with each other. I know that it is frustrating for them. I know

they are too young to understand. I hope that when they are adults

they will be nurturing and kind as having seen me suffer.

However; even knowing that does not stop my heart from aching when I

have to beg off on activities or even driving them someplace. There

are not enough Christmas concerts on earth to replace the one I

missed. How many times had one of mine gotten sick in school and

some body else had to get them, or they had to sit there, because I

was unable to get out of bed to pick them up. How many times have I

disappointed them by not having the money to buy the new gadget or

toy because I cant work enough hours to afford such things. How

many times have I run from the dinner table, nauseas; leaving them

to dine silently alone.

These are feelings of guilt, that I hope when all is said and done,

will be memories long forgotten as that much desired toy not

gotten. Right now it is a real feeling and a genuine pain; the pain

of a broken heart. We all want to give our children better then

what we had. I am not able to do that.

I dont know what will happen in the future. Shoot I dont know what

will happen tomorrow. But right now they are sitting on the couch

eating fresh peach cobbler and happy to see me come home from a hard

day at work. Even though I am in pain and needed to take narcs;

they still wanted to tell me what they did today and what they want

to do tomorrow. I said we'll have to see about tomorrow, tomorrow.

I am unable to commit at this time. They are having a pretty lousy

summer and I know its my fault. Only time will tell what it is that

they remember or resent. I hope I live long enough to find out.