Re: Selfish!!!

September 14, 2000

dizzybme2@... writes:

<< We are suppose to marry November 10th. Is this part of the

premarital jitters? Am I having second thoughts about marrying this

man? You betcha!! Any advise is welcome.

Thanks for reading.

A-J >>

, I would guess you have tried this already, but I'd suggest sitting him

down and talking about it OR write (or type!) him a letter spelling out all

of your concerns... BUT whenever you do confront him about these things, you

HAVE to also mention things about him that you LOVE... you can't go at him

with all your 'bitches' about him without giving him some reassurance that

it's not ALL bad. )

Also, you need to answer to yourself, do you love this man? Do you want to

spend the rest of your life with him? Can you see yourself growing old with

him? Don't get married just because it's there... get married because you

know it's right.

~Robin ) <---hopes she was some help!

September 14, 2000

Hi ,

well ok u asked for the advice so remember that lol. The first thing I would

have to say is, I never seen the word love in the whole letter. I think that

you already no the answer but u need to hear it I guess from others. Any big

issues before a marriage become monumental after marriage, if you do not like

his clingyness now after u r married it will become horrible. Before you even

consider marriage I suggest counciling. Here are some ? u need to ask your

self. Why do u want to loose the weight ? Do u feel after u loose weight u

will meet someone better? Is this person holding you back from achieving your

dreams? A marriage should be sharing not selfish. Ok I guess I have said

enough I wish you the best and if you dont want to get married dont. I wish u

all the best hugs marg

September 14, 2000

------take my word for it, when in doubt, don't do it. Take your time to

be sure. It's a whole lot easier walking away when you're single, than when

you're married, possibly with children. Only when you're sure should you be

walking down the aisle. Good luck, I hope you make the right decision.

Pat

September 14, 2000

<< We are supposed to marry November 10th. Is this part of the

premarital jitters? Am I having second thoughts about marrying this

man? You betcha!! Any advise is welcome. >>

Wow! All I can say is that it sounds like he is training you well!! Is that

really what you want?

Phyllis H.

September 14, 2000

In a message dated 9/14/2000 7:14:54 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

dizzybme2@... writes:

<< We are suppose to marry November 10th. Is this part of the

premarital jitters? Am I having second thoughts about marrying this

man? You betcha!! Any advise is welcome.

Thanks for reading.

A-J >>

Hi ,

I feel a little funny saying what I'm about to say since I'm only getting

one side of the relationship, but here goes. It sounds first of all like your

fiance has a major self esteem problem, but also like he wants to have

control over you. When he instead of congratulating you over your

accomplishments he questions you and in such a way that has it be a what

about me scenario to where he has you feeling almost guilty about what you

want and what you need that is a form of control. Emotional control is a form

of abuse, so please be wary and sure of what you are doing and that this man

is right for you. I'm sure he loves you and that you love him, but real love

means being there for that person, real love is being happy for the one you

love for getting that great job not complaining about what its going to do to

them, real love is standing by the person you love in them trying to better

their life healthwise. My husband worried some about me wanting this surgery

just because he knows there are risks, but he tells me constantly to go for

it no matter what I have to do (I will have to self pay) because he wants me

to be healthy and happier. I hope I've not over stepped the boundaries here,

but my daughter was involved in a marriage where there was a lot of emotional

abuse and she was so miserable and I stayed really angry at the man she

married because of the hurt he was causing MY CHILD, she is now out of it

Thank Heavens. All I'm trying to say is search your heart and soul and do

what you feel is right for you!!!!

Cathy Morrow in Lenoir, NC

BMI 42

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

September 14, 2000

, one major change is enough for anyone in the same time period. I would

suggest that you have your surgery and recover, and lose weight, and see how

your guy adjusts to all that, and then decide re marriage. In the meanwhile,

you are also going to become more attractive to others, and possibly more

attracted to others, and you won't have to divorce this apparently insecure

and controlling man! Let this one year be just for you. BE selfish. Bet

it'll be a rare experience! Best of luck, J

September 14, 2000

Whoa , I speak from experience, actually 2 experiences (divorces).

This does not sound good. Back up a few spaces so you can look at your

situation clearly and without any outside input. Does this seem like the

life you want for the rest of it? Think hard about it. NO Marriage is so

much better than a bad marriage.

Betty In Western NC

Selfish!!!

>Good morning folks,

>Most of my friends think I am nuts about complaining about my husband

>to be. He is a good person. I am fortunate to have him. But........

>I am about to explode with frustration. He has become my siamese

>twin. He refuses to go anywhere without me and I can't go anywhere

>without him at my side. For me to enjoy time with my girlfriends I

>have to take an afternoon off from work for " girls day out " . I have

>talked until I am blue in the face about the need for space of my

>own.

>I changed jobs in May. I accepted the CFO position with a large

>construction company. I have worked toward this for the last ten

>years. To obtain this position and for them to seek me out for that

>position was a real boost to my self-esteem. When you are FAT every

>accomplishment boosts self-esteem. My salary went up proportionately

>as well. Instead of saying congratulations you have finally done

>it. My fiance's said to me, " What about me? Now that you are where

>you want to be I feel like you are leaving me behind. "

>I have talked with him about how important it is to me to have the

>MGB. Again I get the same response.

>He dosn't adapt to change well, but I never realized in the 4 years

>that we have been together that he was so insecure. He met me while

>I was on Fen-Phen. I was the smallest I had been since birth (about

>170 lbs). I am now at my greatest weight in my life 312 lbs. Of

>course there are other complexities in our relationship. Those are

>slowly being resolved too. He has no conception how the weight

>affects me daily. I have never used my weight as an excuse not to

>seek and gain accomplishments in my life. But the restrictions

>weight is putting on my life now are unacceptable. He is a " biker " .

>He has the long hair, the beard, the tatoos and Harley-son. He

>says he loves me the way I am and my appearance is for him to judge.

>Fat women don't look good in leather and on a motorcycle no matter

>who loves them.

>We are suppose to marry November 10th. Is this part of the

>premarital jitters? Am I having second thoughts about marrying this

>man? You betcha!! Any advise is welcome.

>Thanks for reading.

> A-J

>

>This message is from the Mini-Gastric Bypass Mailing List at Onelist.com

>Please visit our web site at http://clos.net

>Get the Patient Manual at http://clos.net/get_patient_manual.htm

>

>and for more on the MGB,Don't miss :

>http://www.fourlane.com/mgb

>

>To Unsubscribe Send and Email to:

MiniGastricBypass-unsubscribe (AT) egroups (DOT) com

>

September 14, 2000

Hi ,

Try to look in your crystal ball, will you be able to live with this

control down the road. My 26 year old daughter got married two years

ago. The night before her wedding I told her if she wasn't sure she

could still change her mind. She got married. She moved back home

two months ago with her dog ( big greyhound). She was very unhappy,

and told she made a mistake when she got married. She knew he was

controlling but he treated her nice when they were dating. Once they

got married everything was his way or the way his family thought it

should be. Even the furniture they chose was his final decision. My

daughter works full time, yet he would accuse her of stealing or not

saving enough money. She told me the other night that she kept a

journal, and when she went back and looked at what she wrote before

they were married all the signs were there. My daughter needs to get

her " head " together and find out what she really wants and find out

why she always always chooses guys who manipulate and control her.

You are about to undertake a major change in your life, maybe you

should see how the change effects and think of and take care of

only for now. Becoming a lop-sided couple may not be a great

undertaking now. It wouldn't hurt to postpone the wedding. If he

can't agree to that, well that is another sign you need to heed.

> Whoa , I speak from experience, actually 2 experiences

(divorces).

> This does not sound good. Back up a few spaces so you can look at

your

> situation clearly and without any outside input. Does this seem

like the

> life you want for the rest of it? Think hard about it. NO

Marriage is so

> much better than a bad marriage.

>

> Betty In Western NC

>

> Selfish!!!

>

> >Good morning folks,

> >Most of my friends think I am nuts about complaining about my

husband

> >to be. He is a good person. I am fortunate to have him.

But........

> >I am about to explode with frustration. He has become my siamese

> >twin. He refuses to go anywhere without me and I can't go anywhere

> >without him at my side. For me to enjoy time with my girlfriends I

> >have to take an afternoon off from work for " girls day out " . I

have

> >talked until I am blue in the face about the need for space of my

> >own.

> >I changed jobs in May. I accepted the CFO position with a large

> >construction company. I have worked toward this for the last ten

> >years. To obtain this position and for them to seek me out for that

> >position was a real boost to my self-esteem. When you are FAT

every

> >accomplishment boosts self-esteem. My salary went up

proportionately

> >as well. Instead of saying congratulations you have finally done

> >it. My fiance's said to me, " What about me? Now that you are

where

> >you want to be I feel like you are leaving me behind. "

> >I have talked with him about how important it is to me to have the

> >MGB. Again I get the same response.

> >He dosn't adapt to change well, but I never realized in the 4 years

> >that we have been together that he was so insecure. He met me

while

> >I was on Fen-Phen. I was the smallest I had been since birth

(about

> >170 lbs). I am now at my greatest weight in my life 312 lbs. Of

> >course there are other complexities in our relationship. Those are

> >slowly being resolved too. He has no conception how the weight

> >affects me daily. I have never used my weight as an excuse not to

> >seek and gain accomplishments in my life. But the restrictions

> >weight is putting on my life now are unacceptable. He is

a " biker " .

> >He has the long hair, the beard, the tatoos and Harley-son.

He

> >says he loves me the way I am and my appearance is for him to

judge.

> >Fat women don't look good in leather and on a motorcycle no matter

> >who loves them.

> >We are suppose to marry November 10th. Is this part of the

> >premarital jitters? Am I having second thoughts about marrying

this

> >man? You betcha!! Any advise is welcome.

> >Thanks for reading.

> > A-J

> >

> >This message is from the Mini-Gastric Bypass Mailing List at

Onelist.com

> >Please visit our web site at http://clos.net

> >Get the Patient Manual at http://clos.net/get_patient_manual.htm

> >

> >and for more on the MGB,Don't miss :

> >http://www.fourlane.com/mgb

> >

> >To Unsubscribe Send and Email to:

> MiniGastricBypass-unsubscribe (AT) egroups (DOT) com

> >

September 14, 2000

I'm am new to this group.....just starting the process. When I received this

email it brought flashbacks to what I went through with my Ex-husband. He

was the same way.......over protective......always thinking he was left out

of the picture. His insecurity and low self esteem somehow flowed over to

me. I began to gain weight....about 70 pounds or so. I went from a size

9/10 to a size 18/20 and let myself go. It was like I was making sure that

he felt comfortable that no one would look at me and take me away from him.

Don't put yourself in that position. It is not worth it in the long run.

Take time for yourself and go find yourself. You will be glad you did.

Losing the weight has been hell for me.......of course......I'm on my

way....DIVORCED HIM!!!! And now I'm starting the process to have the MGB and

begin living the healthy lifestyle I deserve.

Christy in California

September 14, 2000

In a message dated 9/14/2000 10:57:54 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

PLegal4U@... writes:

<< Losing the weight has been hell for me.......of course......I'm on my

way....DIVORCED HIM!!!! And now I'm starting the process to have the MGB

and

begin living the healthy lifestyle I deserve.

Christy in California >>

Way to go Christy. Life is to short, I learned along time ago, you only get

one shot at this life and there comes a time you have to think of you!!!!!

Cathy Morrow in Lenoir, NC

BMI 42

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

September 14, 2000

Thanks Cathy!!!

Christy

California

September 14, 2000

, Please listen to what your mind is telling you. If you are having

doubts about marriage for heavens sake give yourself some time to think

about it. I am divorced and live with my boyfiend. At times he is also a

little jealous and insecure about me having surgery. He is also a biker

and has a Harley and I am with you 100% on the leather thing. Next year

this time though Im planning on have me some tight leather pants and a

matching vest to boot.

Robin

At 11:13 AM 9/14/00 -0000, you wrote: