Fwd: Wed, From Sally 08/07/02

[Guest guest]

Norwalk, Connecticut - The Caldor department store chain apologized this

week after 11 million copies of an advertising circular showed two

smiling boys playing Scrabble around a board with the word " RAPE "

spelled out. Caldor said it does not know who did it or how it got past

the proofreaders.

PS RAPE is a grain. Who has a dirty mind?

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If men could TRULY run the world as they wished...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier, a smack to the rear and a " Nice

hustle, you'll get' em next time " would

pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only

occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go

drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. Garbage would take itself out.

6. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off

the Golden Gate Bridge for the

most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

7. The only show opposite " Monday Night Football " would be " Monday Night

Football from a Different

Camera Angle " .

8. Instead of " beer-belly " , you'd get " beer-biceps " .

9. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

10. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded

with would actually reduce

your fine. As in: Cop: " You know how fast you were going? "

You: " All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place. "

Cop: " Nice one, That's $10.00 off " .

11. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

12. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

13. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you

returned it the following day with a full tank

of gas.

14. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present

your wife-to-be with a giant foam

hand that said " You're #1! " .

15. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,

she'd appear in a little box in the

corner of the screen during a time-out.

16. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable

response to " I love you " .

17. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

18. " Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night " , would be an

acceptable excuse for tardiness.

19. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump

outof your window and slide

down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred

Flintstone.

20. Hallmark would make " Sorry, what was your name again? " card.

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A New York tourist ambled into a small town blacksmith shop and

picked up a horseshoe

without realizing it had just come from the forge. Dropping it

quickly, he put his sizzling hand

into his pocket and tried to appear nonchalant.

" Kinda hot, wasn't it? " asked the blacksmith.

" Nope, " said the New Yorker. " It just doesn't take me long to look at

a horseshoe. "

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A fellow took his girlfriend to the movies. During the previews, she

asked him if he would go and buy her

some M & Ms. When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked

out all the brown ones and

threw them away.

" What did you do that for? " he asked her. " I'm allergic to chocolate! "

she replied.