Heidi

[Guest guest]

It certainly does sound like you will have whirlwind summer. I hope

you have scheduled some time to rest during all that whoopla. I'm

glad your reunion was so much fun. Billy's family has them often

but I'm afraid that most of my mother's side has passed on. Not too

much left.

I was going through some of her things and found my grandmothers and

g-grandmothers cake plates. They were hung on the wall as a

decoration. Well I was cleaning them and turned it over and saw the

two oldest ones are Wedgewood. I'm not sure how old the plates are,

but my I never knew either of the woman having died before I was

born. thats kind of a neat little surprise to dig out of a dusty

box.

How are the wedding plans? I'm sure it will be time for all the

showers soon and the bridemaids tea plans to be set. I hope your

taking your time, having fun but not running your tail off. Did I

hear that you got the dress already?

Well I am trying not to think about the surgery so much. Its on

monday, the 26th. I am just going to have to accept that I will cry

like a baby about it for a while. This is my only option at the

moment if I want to regain what is left of my life. They are trying

to make the TP/ICT at MUSC happen, Dr. is meeting with the

IRB on the 23rd. thinks that this can buy some time until I

have to have the total and we can do it here. I got Dr. Cotton's

recceomendation and he agreed, but said we could do the total now or

later, kind of makes is sound like I will denitely have to have a

total one day.

Take care Heidi and have fun this summer, sounds very busy, so make

sure you pencil in those days off.

Warmly;

Chrissy

> > I dont know what my problem is; I just cant stop crying,

sobbing,

> > every time I think of the procedure. I understand all the logic

and

> > know that theoretically the procedure is just what I need. I am

> > just so freaking scared. I try not to think about it, focus my

> > attention on my gardens, the birds and the beautiful spring

> > weather.

> >

> > Yesterday my husband took me shopping; haven't been in well over

a

> > month; picked up all the stuff I will need as well as a bunch of

> > stuff I dont. He hates shopping with me so I know it was a real

> > sacrifice for him and I tried to focus on the tasks. Except in

the

> > dress shop; I bought 2 very nice dresses and he enjoyed my

little

> > fashion show. That was fun. Once we got home and I started

sorting

> > through, here comes the tears. I turned into this slobbering

> > sobbing mess that cant even catch my breathe.

> >

> > I have had bookoo (sp ? Fliss) surgeries and have never felt

like

> > this before. I tell myself its because I know how much pain I

will

> > have; but I dont really believe that. I know it perfectly

normal to

> > be afraid, but geeze loweeze this sobbing all the time is

getting

> > old.

> >

> > I know that this is my best chance to be pain free; I am pretty

much

> > on pain meds around the clock and am awakened by pain during the

> > night. All thse drugs are turning my brain to mush and I have

no

> > energy what so ever. I am now the opposite of every single

strand

> > of who I was and I miss the power house I once was. One would

> > think I would be excited at the prospect of regaining my lost

self.

> > All the logic and the best science that I can find is not

healing

> > this deep ache in my heart.

> >

> > This deep seeded fear has no definable boundary, I cant feel

where

> > it starts or where it ends. I have tried every kind of self

> > phychoanalysis that I know and still sob like a baby at the

thought

> > of even walking into the place. I work in the OR's so I know I

will

> > be surrounded by " family " and will receive excellent care. Even

> > knowing that doesn't strengthen me. Maybe I should double up

on

> > the Ativan.

> >

> > Well it does feel better to express how I feel, venting. I try

to

> > hide my anxiety from my family, no reason to upset them anymore

then

> > necessary; but they see. Well one week and counting.

> >