LAWN CHAIRS AND BEING FAT

[Guest guest]

Lawn chairs were invented by a sadistic skinny guy. I'm sure

of it.

In all the " You know you're fat when " resonses, I couldn't

help but notice that lawn chairs played a prominent role in

several of them.

It reminded me of why I gave them up after once sitting

in a lawn chair at a get together of some of the

local hoity-toities (you know it couldn't have happened

at a backyard barbecue with family, right?) I surely

lost my presence of mind, because without thinking,

I picked out a bright red one and sat down, holding one of

those super-flimsy paper plates with pork-n-beans, potato

salad and barbecued chicken.

The back legs instantly sank into the soft ground about

five inches, my arms went flying, sending the paper plate,

beans and chicken sailing over about three people, and

leaving me cantilevered backwards, looking at sky, legs

thrashing as I tried to heave my way back up and out

of the lawn chair. One of the local judges (who

I would see again the following week in court) took

my hands and pulled me up, with the lawn chair stuck to

my butt and the legs dangling grass clumps. I mumbled my

apologies to the people who got hit with the beans and

potato salad but I don't think they were amused.

(Next week, on the record, in court, in front of half the

town, the judge couldn't resist asking me if I'd had any more

run-ins with demonic lawn chairs, either . . .)

Flimsy chaise lounges made my list of " don't go there " when

I sat down on one that was made of woven plastic strips --

you know, the kind you get at the drugstore for $9.99?

Those plastic strips can S-T-R-E-T-C-H, I'll give them that!

It was mere moments before my butt was touching the ground.

Getting out of it was every bit as graceful as a rutting

water buffalo, and the impression -- and it was a *great*

impression -- of my butt remained as a permanent monument.

" it wasn't pretty "