RAVINGS OF A LUNATIC

[Guest guest]

Its such a wide array of feelings nieces and nephews. I totally adore mine -

I have a nephew 17 mos who is adorable with the best personality and a niece

who is precious. I would NOT wish any harm to them EVER. I just feel sad

after I see them for me - I want to enjoy them more but for some reason I

can't. My husband (sober then) and I always planned on 4. He were going to

have

my last and another one close in age like the first 2 (2.4 months apart).

When I found out they all had CF......I couldn't risk a healthy child in my

home

of bizarro living and I couldn't care for another child with CF. I know it

gnaws away at me sometimes - I feel cheated as I am sure many of you do.

I am sure we all feel like this at times, how do we get past it? I feel that

CF has cost me my marriage - although I know its cause he cannot cope and

that would have reared its ugly head at some point. My lifestyle - I am always

HOME - I used to always be out. Now life revolves around treatments and the

Drug Store schedule. I never worried about health and other peoples kids health

- now I am the health police. If I hear a cough I interrogate the kids. If

a friend is sick a lot - well, maybe Timmy would rather play in the PARK with

you.

I have done a 360 in my life - not bad - I know I am a better person. I have

met wonderful people (ALLYOU GUYS)...and many others - almost as many as the

people, friends, family I lost along the way.

Last night when I was crying to my sister all she kept saying was " I don't

know the answer " . If she said it once she said it a thousand times. I just

needed to vent. Why does everyone feel they must answer. Just acknowledge and

be supportive.

I have no idea why I am writing so much..........I guess because I am

AVOIDING studying. All my kids are at Halloween parties and I am home ALONE..I

can

count on one hand the times I am home a lone in a year!!!!

Thanks for listening to me ramble and feel sorry for myself.

DON't EVER NOMINATE ME..................

I have red hair too n.

Rosemary in NY with 3 children (13, 10.11 and 7)

with CF. I have a dog named TOBI and have

coined the phrase " BREATHE DAMMIT "