Re: Living with the guilt.

October 7, 2009

Hi,

I have a similar but opposite problem. I feel guilty too, but it's because I

AM trying to do something about it....we're only 2 weeks into the helmet therapy

and I can't stand the pressure marks it leaves on my LO's beautiful face. This

morning I was on the verge of throwing it away....thinking that a little bit of

a flat head will be fine. My husband is the stronger of us two when it comes to

this and is helping me through it day by day...hour by hour...I feel guilty that

maybe i'm hurting my daughter somehow with this therapy...and that maybe it

won't help any more than just natural correction over time and that maybe when

her hair grows in she never would have noticed or cared anyways.

It's a no win situation.

I think we have to just say to ourselves that we do the best we can with the

information we have at the time, and not look back.

K,

mom of 4 1/2 month old, 12 days in helmet

> >

> > Hello Everyone,

> > I just want to get this off my chest. Hope you all don't mind. As my

> > sons first birthday nears I find myself dwelling in this more and

> > more. There are times I feel like crying and telling him I'm sorry.

> > You see...may months ago we treated my son for plagio with a helmet

> > and had great success. His head is very balanced now. However he still

> > has mild-moderate brachy. We were told this at the time that his

> > plagio was considered resolved. We chose to stop treatment at that

> > point for several reasons. One reason I still feel strongly about.

> > However that doesn't change the fact that I'm his mother and feel that

> > I failed to do anything and everything I could for him. I know why I

> > did it but can't handle that I did it...understand? I'm terrified that

> > he will grow up and be teased or worse ask me why I didn't help him

> > when I could have.

> >

> > Dawn

> > Mother of Jake 11mo.

> >

>

October 7, 2009

Dear Dawn

I can totally understand with what you are going through when I first learned

from our pediatrician about her condition I couldn't believe it. I started to

blame myself for her having this b/c my body caused all of this from her being

born permature and having to stay in the nicu and everything. But after a lot of

research and learning from other parents on this website you can only do the

best that you can for your child. I know you have had nothing but the best

intentions for him and would do anything for him. At the same time if you try

not to make a big fuss over it or cause too much attention to it he won't notice

it. He will feed off of any emotion or messages you convay to him b/c right now

ne thinks your like his favorite super hero and you have to admit that should

feel realy great. Once he gets old enough you can explain it all to him and by

then he should be mature enough to understand everything.

Now with everything that I have just said to you I hope that I have not offended

you in any way. You have come this far and have made it through a lot of tough

stuff which I really admire you for...so maybe just maybe instead of saying i'm

sorry all the time say " I love you " . As a kid they really love to always hear

how much there mommy's love them.

jill

katy texas; Layla 5 months

>

> Hello Everyone,

> I just want to get this off my chest. Hope you all don't mind. As my sons

first birthday nears I find myself dwelling in this more and more. There are

times I feel like crying and telling him I'm sorry. You see...may months ago we

treated my son for plagio with a helmet and had great success. His head is very

balanced now. However he still has mild-moderate brachy. We were told this at

the time that his plagio was considered resolved. We chose to stop treatment at

that point for several reasons. One reason I still feel strongly about. However

that doesn't change the fact that I'm his mother and feel that I failed to do

anything and everything I could for him. I know why I did it but can't handle

that I did it...understand? I'm terrified that he will grow up and be teased or

worse ask me why I didn't help him when I could have.

>

> Dawn

> Mother of Jake 11mo.

>

October 7, 2009

Dear K

I can totally understand the worry and the guilt you must be going through right

now. We haven't started the helmet therapy yet in hopes that with pt and

repositioning we won't need it. But when I emailed dawn I was telling her that

maybe just maybe instead of apologizing to her son why not just say " i love

you " . That way he can feed off of the positive energy and realize that its going

to be ok. Which I know its hard to do b/c you are noticing first hand what is

going on as every day passes. I also know you would do absolutely anything for

your daughter just as I would but as you said you have to take what you have

learned about all of it and not look back. One day your daughter will come to

understand that you did everything possible for her and she will feel truely

grateful for it. Right now your daughter is looking up to you has her hero and

feeds off of everything so say or do.

I don't mean to sound preachy or mean in any way I just hope that you don't

blame yourself and as long as your daughter is happy and healthy it will all

work itself out. It may take a lot of time, work and patience but it will work

out for the best b/c things can only get better before they can get worse.

wish you all the best with your daughter! Good Luck and God Bless!

Jill

katy, texas; layla 5 months

> > >

> > > Hello Everyone,

> > > I just want to get this off my chest. Hope you all don't mind. As my

> > > sons first birthday nears I find myself dwelling in this more and

> > > more. There are times I feel like crying and telling him I'm sorry.

> > > You see...may months ago we treated my son for plagio with a helmet

> > > and had great success. His head is very balanced now. However he still

> > > has mild-moderate brachy. We were told this at the time that his

> > > plagio was considered resolved. We chose to stop treatment at that

> > > point for several reasons. One reason I still feel strongly about.

> > > However that doesn't change the fact that I'm his mother and feel that

> > > I failed to do anything and everything I could for him. I know why I

> > > did it but can't handle that I did it...understand? I'm terrified that

> > > he will grow up and be teased or worse ask me why I didn't help him

> > > when I could have.

> > >

> > > Dawn

> > > Mother of Jake 11mo.

> > >

> >

>

October 7, 2009

This reminds me of when I was in the hospital after just giving birth to . She was jaundiced and had to stay an extra day. As I kissed her in the nursery and said goodbye, I broke into tears and told her that I was sorry. One of the nurses pulled me aside and said, "oh, no, you have nothing to be sorry about. This is not your fault." At the time, I was blaming myself for the fact that had been 3 weeks early, my milk hadn't come in yet, and she was only a little over 5 pounds as the causes of her jaundice. This nurse explained to me that a nearby baby was a week late, was a nine pounder, and was formula fed and still had the same thing as .

I guess the lesson is that, sure, we could blame ourselves for putting our kids on their heads too much or for not getting a helmet soon enough, but there are plenty of other babies who are on their backs who don't go on to develop plagio or brachy. I've seen parents post on here about how they did everything right with the second baby and the plagio or brachy still developed. So, I've become convinced that some babies are just more prone to this than others.

Yes, I do suffer from a lot of guilt for not preventing the brachy and from not treating sooner. But, others around me are quick to point out the other circumstances at the time (reflux baby, failure to thrive at one point, and food allergies that caused poor sleep and over reliance on car seats, the car, and swings to get her to sleep. And, a doctor that was more concerned about her failure to gain weight during the second half of her first year than her head shape. Most of us on this list that didn't band until late didn't do this because we didn't care. We were misled by the experts to believe that the head would round out or we were dealing with other significant issues at the time.

So..Dawn...you don't want to carry this guilt forever. 11 months is not too old to get more treatment if you really want it (helmet/CST/Chiro, etc.) Otherwise, try to decide to let go of the guilt. I am actually doing both of these. Since is too old for another helmet, we are doing alternative treatments. At the same time, I'm working hard to forgive myself. also has mild to moderate brachy and I think I see some improvement in the last few weeks, but it is a modest amount because of her age. So, I'm focusing on all of her beautiful features. I look at other toddlers and do notice that their heads are different, but then I see that 's isn't horrible. Yes, it's not as round and is less long than theirs, but it's not really horrible. Do I wish I had more improvement - yes. Do I think that her head shape will hold her back in life - no.

Plus - don't forget that you did do a helmet and fixed the plagio. Given the mild to moderate brachy, I'm doubting that this is enough for peer teasing. Will he hate you for not completely fixing it? probably not. But, if the guilt is too much and you can do it, then why not go forward and try to get more improvement? If you are interested in more treatment, but don't want to do another helmet, check out the older plagio group at olderplag . They have quite a bit of knowledge about other treatments when a helmet is not an option.

I hope that something I've said helps. Guilt is no fun.

, mom to , 25 months

STARband grad May 2009

Chiro and CST

land

Re: Living with the guilt.

Dear DawnI can totally understand with what you are going through when I first learned from our pediatrician about her condition I couldn't believe it. I started to blame myself for her having this b/c my body caused all of this from her being born permature and having to stay in the nicu and everything. But after a lot of research and learning from other parents on this website you can only do the best that you can for your child. I know you have had nothing but the best intentions for him and would do anything for him. At the same time if you try not to make a big fuss over it or cause too much attention to it he won't notice it. He will feed off of any emotion or messages you convay to him b/c right now ne thinks your like his favorite super hero and you have to admit that should feel realy great. Once he gets old enough you can explain it all to him and by then he should be mature enough to understand everything. Now with everything that I have just said to you I hope that I have not offended you in any way. You have come this far and have made it through a lot of tough stuff which I really admire you for...so maybe just maybe instead of saying i'm sorry all the time say "I love you". As a kid they really love to always hear how much there mommy's love them. jillkaty texas; Layla 5 months >> Hello Everyone,> I just want to get this off my chest. Hope you all don't mind. As my sons first birthday nears I find myself dwelling in this more and more. There are times I feel like crying and telling him I'm sorry. You see...may months ago we treated my son for plagio with a helmet and had great success. His head is very balanced now. However he still has mild-moderate brachy. We were told this at the time that his plagio was considered resolved. We chose to stop treatment at that point for several reasons. One reason I still feel strongly about. However that doesn't change the fact that I'm his mother and feel that I failed to do anything and everything I could for him. I know why I did it but can't handle that I did it...understand? I'm terrified that he will grow up and be teased or worse ask me why I didn't help him when I could have.> > Dawn> Mother of Jake 11mo.>

October 8, 2009

Dawn,

I could have written your post myself, only my child is 15 months

old now. He was banded from 6-9 for plagio, which was totally

resolved, but now has what I would call moderate brachy. The

orthotist and my husband were both satisfied, but I wasn't. We

stopped treatment because our son had outgrown the band. At the

time I thought everyone would say I was crazy and obsessive if

I suggested another band. However, it's bugged me since then, so

I made an appointment and we are going for a consultation next

week. If we get another band we might be in for a long ride since

is so old and growing more slowly, but it would be better

than continuing to do nothing but feel depressed and guilty about

it.

If you can, I urge you to do the same. You don't say what your

reason was for stopping treatment. Maybe you could at least take

you little guy in for a consultation to see what his measurement

now is. You may find that it's improved and that would give you

hope that it would naturally improve further without more treatment.

(I'm hoping for that myself.)

In any case, I really hope you can get over the guilt! I still have

guilt about my first son (now 3 1/2) being 6 weeks premature. There were no

known consequences to it, and in fact there's nothing wrong with him, but I feel

like I let him down by being so stressed during the pregnancy and thus causing

(which I may or may not have) him to come early.

Good luck!

By the way, what are your son's measurements?