1 week to go and still cant stop blubbering

[Guest guest]

I dont know what my problem is; I just cant stop crying, sobbing,

every time I think of the procedure. I understand all the logic and

know that theoretically the procedure is just what I need. I am

just so freaking scared. I try not to think about it, focus my

attention on my gardens, the birds and the beautiful spring

weather.

Yesterday my husband took me shopping; haven't been in well over a

month; picked up all the stuff I will need as well as a bunch of

stuff I dont. He hates shopping with me so I know it was a real

sacrifice for him and I tried to focus on the tasks. Except in the

dress shop; I bought 2 very nice dresses and he enjoyed my little

fashion show. That was fun. Once we got home and I started sorting

through, here comes the tears. I turned into this slobbering

sobbing mess that cant even catch my breathe.

I have had bookoo (sp ? Fliss) surgeries and have never felt like

this before. I tell myself its because I know how much pain I will

have; but I dont really believe that. I know it perfectly normal to

be afraid, but geeze loweeze this sobbing all the time is getting

old.

I know that this is my best chance to be pain free; I am pretty much

on pain meds around the clock and am awakened by pain during the

night. All thse drugs are turning my brain to mush and I have no

energy what so ever. I am now the opposite of every single strand

of who I was and I miss the power house I once was. One would

think I would be excited at the prospect of regaining my lost self.

All the logic and the best science that I can find is not healing

this deep ache in my heart.

This deep seeded fear has no definable boundary, I cant feel where

it starts or where it ends. I have tried every kind of self

phychoanalysis that I know and still sob like a baby at the thought

of even walking into the place. I work in the OR's so I know I will

be surrounded by " family " and will receive excellent care. Even

knowing that doesn't strengthen me. Maybe I should double up on

the Ativan.

Well it does feel better to express how I feel, venting. I try to

hide my anxiety from my family, no reason to upset them anymore then

necessary; but they see. Well one week and counting.

[Guest guest]

,

have you discussed this crying with your doctor? He might be able to

give you something to calm you down (or maybe as you said, double your

Ativan) to help you deal with this situation.

Kimber

--

Kimber

Vallejo, CA

hominid2@...

Note: All advice given is personal opinion, not equal to that of a licensed

physician or health care professional.