Steve

[Guest guest]

thank you for the compliment. I also have many days were I my

emotions are fleeting. Now I am just basically terrified that I did

not make the right decision.

I did not tell my closest friends of my condition until last fall.

I have been sick for a couple of years and just used work and kids

as excuses. They know me all to well and knew that things were not

right with me. I was so surprised how once they heard the whole

story and the decisions I had to make; they were 100% in my corner.

We told my inlaws over the holidays. I am estranged from my

siblings but they found out through the grapevine and have been

trying to get in touch with me. I have not decided how I am going

to deal with that yet.

At any rate, yes I was completely isolated, trying to not let on at

work. Keep that brave front. They saw me deteorate and have been

very supportive as well. So I guess what I am trying to say. You

dont need to hide your condition. YOur true friends will be there

for you and TRY to understand. Those that dont, well, we will just

call them the fair weathered friends, and who needs that. It is

very difficult for our friends to understand, hell, we dont even

understand it ourselves. How are we supposed to tell others?

I am a very private person, dirty laundry stays at home and all that

rot. do you know what I mean. Well, last month I spoke with the

school phychologist because I felt my youngest, 8, was having a hard

time dealing with all of this. Well that phy. spoke to her teacher,

she told another teacher, who told my son's teacher, next thing you

know the entire school and congregation found out. They go to a

Catholic school. Well guess what, they made me out to be

a " cause " . Yup, I and my family are now a charity of the church. I

was mortified. Every tuesday a church lady prepares a meal for us,

that we usually have enough for 2 days. No small feat for a family

of 5. Most fridays a meal is sent home as well. One sent me a

honey spiral sliced hame for the kids Easter dinner. The principal

is giving my kids free lunch, it is catered and we could never

afford it in the past even when I worked. I was so humiliated! I

dont NEED charity. I am on every prayer lists, and my name is

uttered by countless people praying. I was so embarrassed; I wanted

to crawl under a rock. But I have to admit, now, a month later

that if is very reassuring to know that there are people who care,

even if I dont know them. By caring for my children it has taken a

huge burder off their father and me.

I guess I am carrying on too much, but what I'm trying to say is

that we are never truly alone. We have each other here, and I have

said countless times I dont know what I would have done had it not

been for the support of this board. If we just give other people a

chance, you might be surprised by the compassion and understanding

they can provide. I dont know what the next few weeks will bring

for me, but I know that my children will have somebody looking out

for them irregardless of how the events turn for me and that is a

good feeling to have.

Take care Steve and thanks again for the compliment, btw, Mark might

be stressing over the insurance he has to pay on that hot new

ride...lol

Warmly,