Confusing the Lord

[Guest guest]

GOD: , you know all about gardens and > nature. What in the world is going on down > there on the planet? What happened to the > dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started > eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance > garden plan. Those plants grow in any type > of soil, withstand drought and multiply with > abandon. The nectar from the long lasting > blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and > flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast > gardenof colors by now. But all I see are > these green rectangles. > > ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, > Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling > your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths > to kill them and replace them with grass. > > GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not > colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and > bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive > to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really > want all that grass growing there? > > ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They > go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. > They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and > poisoning any other plant that crops up in the > lawn. > > GOD: The spring rains and warm weather > probably make grass grow really fast. That > must make the Suburbanites happy. > > ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As > soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes > twice a week. > > GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay? > > ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of > them rake it up and put it in bags.> > GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? > Do they sell it? > > ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. > They pay to throw it away. > > GOD: Now let me get this straight. They > fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does > grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away? > > ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir. > > GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in > the summer when we cut back on the rain and > turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth > and saves them a lot of work. > > ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this > Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, > they drag out hoses and pay more money to > water it so they can continue to mow it and pay > to get rid of it. > > GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some > of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if > I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the > spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. > In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a > natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and > protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, > the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's > a natural circle of life. > > ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. > The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. > As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into > great piles and pay to have them hauled away. > > GOD: No. What do they do to protect the > shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep > the soil moist and loose? > > ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the > leaves, they go out and buy something which > they call mulch. They haul it home and spread > it around in place of the leaves. > > GOD: And where do they get this mulch? > > ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and > grind them up to make the mulch. > > GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about > this anymore. St. , you're in charge > of the arts. What movie have you scheduled > for us tonight? > > ST.CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. > It's a real stupid movie about ... > > GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the > whole story from St. Francis.