Fwd: Medical humor (from Sally)

[Guest guest]

Thought you'ld like these, enjoy Sally

If the pilgrims came over on the Mayflower, what ship did the doctors

come over on?

          The blood vessels.

'

-Dr:  Is your cough better this morning?  

Patient:  It should be.  I've been practicing all night.

'

-Nurse:  Hello.  I'm calling about the check you wrote.  It came

back.

  Patient:  So did my arthritis.

'

-Doctor:  Did you go to another doctor before you came to me?  

Patient:  Yes, why?

Doctor:  What foolish advice did he give you?  

Patient:  He told me to come to you.

'

-What kind of physician works on a cruise liner?

          A dry doc.

'

-What do female doctors use men for?

          Male practice.

'

-How is a hospital gown like insurance?

          You're never covered as much as you think

you are.

'

-Patient:  Doctor, you've got to help me.  I think I'm a

kleptomaniac.

  Doctor:  Don't worry.  I think there's something you can take

for that.

'

-What do you do when a pharmaceutical salesman knocks on your door?

          Vitamin!

'

-What did one tonsil say to the other?

          You better get dressed...the doctor is

taking us out tonight.

'

-What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?

          Saturday night fever.

'

-Sid:  The doctor told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath.  

Sam:  Did it work?

  Sid:  I don't know.  I can never finish drinking the hot bath.

'

-Doctor:  Now just step on the scales.  There you see?  Look at

this chart.  You're overweight.

  Patient:  No, I'm not.  I'm just 6 inches too short.

'

-I'm a doctor and I haven't lost a patient yet.    I know where all

of them are buried.

'

-Old doctors never die....they just lose their patients.

'

-Definition of conflict of interest:  A get well card from your

doctor.

'

-Doctors bury their mistakes.

'

-Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the

same street?

          They were arch enemies.

'

-Podiatrist:  Someone who knows the agony of de feet.

'

-Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

'

-People who constantly cough never go to the doctors.  They go to

banquets, to concerts, to church....

'

-One plastic surgeon to another:  My daughter gets her good looks from

me.

'

-Overheard in doctor's waiting room:  I used to watch golf on TV, but

the doc said I needed more exercise....so now I watch tennis.

'

-I'd feel better about what doctors do if they didn't call it practice.

'

-An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

  An onion a day keeps everyone away.

'

-What does it mean when a doctor tells you, " We caught this just in

time? "

          It means that if you had waited any longer,

it would have cleared up by itself.

'

-Chiropractors don't get old....they adjust.

'

-The strangest thing happened the other day.  I was listening to a

boring talk by a podiatrist and my foot fell asleep.

'

-As a doctor was examining his patient, he asked, " Any coughing,

wheezing or shortness of cash? "

'

-Pathologists know how to cut loose.

'

-Doctor told me I was iron deficient....so I took up nail biting.

'

-Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who sat next to a fireplace and

melted?

'

-My Mom got the Amish flu. 

  First she got a little horse...then she got a little buggy.

'

-Medical Terminology:

          Caesarean section:  A district in Rome.

          Dilate:  To live long.

          Protein:  In favor of young people.

          Artery:  The study of fine paintings.

          Organic:  Musical.

          1991 definition of an umbilical cord: Baby bungee.

'

-When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns you know the end

is in sight.

'

-Surgeons are doctors on the cutting edge.

'

-Doctor:  The only man who enjoys poor health.