A whole bunch of jokes

[Guest guest]

I know a lot of these have been posted before, but thought I'd send them

along anyway. Maybe one will put a smile on your face.

hugs

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but

after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as

she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the

problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another

room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, " What's the

matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and

seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant? " The new doctor smiled

smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

" Cured her hiccups though, didn't it? "

Modern Medicine?

More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly lines. One

fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he

had. He said, " Shingles. " So she took down his name, address, medical

insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's

aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, " Shingles. " So she took down

his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the

examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, " Shingles. " So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an

electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the

doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said,

" Shingles. " The doctor said, " Where? " He said,

" Outside in the truck. Where do you want them? "

Don't Make a Nurse Angry:

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was

a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his

employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his

room and announced, " I have to take your temperature. " After complaining for

several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his

mouth. " No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, " but for this reading, I cannot use

an oral thermometer. " This started another round of complaining, but

eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse

insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, " I have to get something. Now

you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back! "

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his

breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an

hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. " What's going on here? " asked the

doctor.Angrily, the man answers, " What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever

seen someone having their temperature taken? "

After a pause, the doctor confesses, " Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a

carnation anyway.

A little woman called Mount Sainai Hospital. She said " Mount Sainai

Hospital? Hello, Darling. I'd like to talk with

the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to

know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse. I want all

the information from top to bottom, from A to Z. " The voice on the other

line said " Would you hold the line please, that's a very unusual request. "

Then a very authoritative voice came on and

said, " Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients? " She said:

" Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Finkel in Room

302. " He said " Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Farber, Feinberg -- Finkel. Oh

yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her

doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her

home Tuesday at twelve o'clock. " The woman said " Thank God! That's

wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that.

That's wonderful news. " The guy on the other end says: " From your

enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family. "

She said " What close family? I'm Finkel!! My doctor don't tell

me nothing. "

Ma & Pa were on the porch & Pa said, " You know, Ma, I'd sure like a big

bowl of ice cream. "

" OK, Pa " , she said, as she shuffled off toward the kitchen.

" Write it down, " he said, " ...you'll forget " " Oh, Pa, don't be silly "

" Write it down " he said, " cause I want some chocolate syrup on it. " , he

insisted.

" Ice cream..with chocolate syrup " she said, as she walked into the kitchen.

10, 15, 20 minutes passed and finally Ma came out & handed Pa a big bowl of

oatmeal.

" See, Ma, what'd I tell you...you forgot the toast.

A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers

the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach punches

him between the eyes and takes off. The next evening, the man is sitting at

home when again, the doorbell rings. He answers the door, the cockroach is

there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him and

runs away. The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell

rings.

He stupidly opens the door, and surprise! The cockroach is there yet again.

It knocks him down, leaps on him and stabs him several times before making

off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and dial 911

before passing out. The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks

our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach's

vicious attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor nods

with deep compassion, thinks for a moment and says,

" Yes, there is a nasty bug going around. "

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with an

unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would

put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their

lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little

lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She

called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the

custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how

difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one

of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the toilet

and scrubbed the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Her An 90 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said,

" Friend, for your age your in the best

shape I've seen. " The old feller replied, " Yep. It comes from clean living.

Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual

life. " The doctor asked, " What makes you say that? " The old man replied, " If

I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light

on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night. "

The doc was concerned. " You mean when you get up in the night to go to the

bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on

the light for you? "

" Yep, " the old man said, " Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord

turns the light on for me. "

Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came

in for her check up, he felt he had

to let her know what her husband said. " I just want you to know, " the

doctor said. " Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about

his mental condition He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the

bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him. "

" He what? " she cried.

" He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns

the light on for him. "

" Aha!!! " she exclaimed. " So he's the one who's been peeing in the

refrigerator! "

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several

months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he

came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, " My dearest, you have

been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to

support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you

were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my

health started failing, you were still by my side.

You know what? "

" What dear? " she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with

warmth.

" I think you're bad luck. "

While making her rounds, the Head Nurse noticed a young

female patient missing. Pressing the intercom, she said

" Lori, where's the patient in 340? "

" Oh! " came the reply. " Well... she was complaining of

severe chills, so I put her in bed with Mr. in 328 who

was running that high fever. "

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days

later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous

young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, " You`re

really doing great, aren`t you? "

The man replied, " Just doing what you said Doctor, `Get a hot mamma

and be cheerful`. "

The Doctor said, " I didn`t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be

careful " .

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to

the first man, " What is three times three? " " 274 " was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, " It's your turn. What is three times

three? " " Tuesday " , replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, " Okay, your turn. What's three times

three " ? " Nine " , says the third man. " That's great! " says the doctor. " How

did you get that " ?

" Simple, " says the third man. " I subtracted 274 from Tuesday

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, " Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my

hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need

to put it away, or start making a sandwich. " The second lady chimed

in, " Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and

can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. " The

third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;

knock on wood, " as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told

them "

That must be the door, I'll get it! "

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says

that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his

face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that

will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home

and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the

door and up the stairs.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he

falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to

his wife standing over him shouting at him.

" So, you've been out drinking again!! "

" How did you know? " he asks.

" The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again. "