Re: Demons around you too

[Guest guest]

Vee,

I'm with you, you described my boyfriend to a tee...lol.

Laurette

4/23/04 open rny

309/290/248/150

[Guest guest]

The good advice is to wake up and understand that sometimes sinking

ships do just fine after they cut the chain that holds the reef

jammed anchor. The anchor is acceptable when the weather is simply

perfect perhaps but once things a stormy it only drags you down. HE

is the one that owns the problem and you are a combination of victim

and enabler. My therapy is straight forward. Sorry if that is too

much...Take care

> I am goind through the same thing with my boyfriend who is over

weight. He is

> always negative about himself and saying I dont have to deal with

the fat

> anymore. I tried explaining to him I am me no matter if I am 300

or 135. I tried

> helping him eat healthy but that hasnt helped either. I pack his

lunch and he

> always adds to it or eats a 2 qrt bowl of cereal at bedtime then

uses the

> excuse I didnt eat much today. I have only lost 29 lbs so far and

my ball and

> chain is getting heavier and heavier. He always was jealous but

now its worse

> because he is afraid I will leave. I have never cheated on him

before, he was the

> one cheating and even left me to get married. But after 7 yrs came

back and

> the sucker I am took him back. I am willing to listen to any good

advise on this

> subject.

> Tammy In PA

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

And don't forget the CAT meat! LOL

Tressa999

General Tsao's chicken is deep fried and loaded with fat in a very

high sugar corn syrup and sweet spicy sauce....I think there would

be LOT better choices off the chinese menu than one of the worst for

you, no?

[Guest guest]

veecheer or raymond could either of you please describe to me what is

involved in verbal or mental abuse?

My husband also has cheated on me not once but three times all during the

time that we got back together after being seperated and then he goes on to tell

me it was my fault because things were going bad with our communication and

that's why he did it. Of course I didn't believe him, but being over 300lbs I

was insecure and had very low self esteem. Now that I'm 1/2 the person i used

to be he is constantly accusing me of cheating and being with someone else.

It's a vicious cycle and I feel like I'm on a merry go round over and over

again. I'm ready to just jump off. I have two girls one is 3 and one 5 mos. I'm

having a difficult time making the final decision out of the fear of raising

them alone. I know many people men and women have and still do it on their own.

I'm just worried on what they''ll miss out on by not having their father around

all of the time. Any suggestions out there?

He has always been very insecure and used to drive by my work to make sure I

was there, he used to and still tries to put time limits on me when I go

places. Expects me to call and " check in " . I've made some changes in the way I

respond to him, but frankly I think the best change I need to make will be the

most difficult one. I hate to think about divorce, but I'm constantly thinking

I'd be better off. Is this wrong? We've been married almost 11 years and

together for 15.

rny

5/17/03

326/190

[Guest guest]

Verbal and/or mental abuse is just what it sounds like. Anything

that hurts! If somebody says things that hurt us, even repeatedly,

and we don't let them know it hurt us they may simple be insensitive

or unintentionally cruel, BUT...If that same person has been told

that what they say or how they address us hurts us and they continue

to do so they are abusive. Bruises can heal but sometimes what

people say, especially when we care for them, sinks in and becomes a

cancer to our beings or psyche. Don't put up with it hon' as if he

already knows it hurts you and continues it is an evil act and not

simply one of stupidity. By the way, here is a rule of thumb. If a

woman married more than ten years finds out that her husband has had

3 affairs one can almost guarantee there are more. In some cases

MANY more. That type of male mind has little to no respect for

their significant other regardless of if they really may love them

or not. They also see sex as outside the emotional limitation of

marriage so the physical act does not register to them as being

unfaithful. Go figure huh...

> veecheer or raymond could either of you please describe to me what

is

> involved in verbal or mental abuse?

> My husband also has cheated on me not once but three times all

during the

> time that we got back together after being seperated and then he

goes on to tell

> me it was my fault because things were going bad with our

communication and

> that's why he did it. Of course I didn't believe him, but being

over 300lbs I

> was insecure and had very low self esteem. Now that I'm 1/2 the

person i used

> to be he is constantly accusing me of cheating and being with

someone else.

> It's a vicious cycle and I feel like I'm on a merry go round over

and over

> again. I'm ready to just jump off. I have two girls one is 3 and

one 5 mos. I'm

> having a difficult time making the final decision out of the fear

of raising

> them alone. I know many people men and women have and still do it

on their own.

> I'm just worried on what they''ll miss out on by not having their

father around

> all of the time. Any suggestions out there?

> He has always been very insecure and used to drive by my work to

make sure I

> was there, he used to and still tries to put time limits on me

when I go

> places. Expects me to call and " check in " . I've made some changes

in the way I

> respond to him, but frankly I think the best change I need to make

will be the

> most difficult one. I hate to think about divorce, but I'm

constantly thinking

> I'd be better off. Is this wrong? We've been married almost 11

years and

> together for 15.

>

>

> rny

> 5/17/03

> 326/190

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

So if you met a man who is married and have a relationship with him

(you don't know he's married but he divorces)then you end up married

to him that he will more than likely cheat again...but on you? I

often wondered. Thanks,

> Hi Kim, I wasn't trying to be snide there so I apologize if I

came

> across that way. The simple fact is the rules that apply to a man

> and to a woman are the same but the mechanics and nature of the

> offenses are TOTALLY different. A woman that has an affair, even

a

> brief one, is usually so torn up. It is almost painful for a

woman

> to continue an affair on somebody she loves. A man is only

worried

> about one thing and that is getting caught. This is an exception

to

> gay men. Why? I don't know. A woman may have an affair out of a

> sense of being ignored or taken for granted or plain old simple

> physical needs. A man, far more often than not, simply has an

> affair for sex. It may be new, different, exciting, or whatever

but

> is actually being initiated simply for the hunt and the thrill of

> the victory with little regard for the spouse.

[Guest guest]

Well of course. Think about the mechanics of that little

arrangment. For a male, generally speaking, its always about that

little " something different " and then comes the proverbial hunt. I

truly appreciate you trying to stick for us guys, trust me, but in

fact the numbers are like 95%+ for " repeat offender " and the " I just

don't want to get caught " syndrome. When a woman cheats (and there

are exceptions to this and I know because I married one a long time

ago) they feel extreme guilt and an anxiety so deep connected witht

he infidelity they almost wish they would get caught so they could

end it. The opposite is true when it comes to making up after the

discovery of an affair. Most women can forgive their man for an

indescretion and may always feel a tiny bit uneasy when there is a

late work night or something that sparks suspicion. A man, however,

will ALWAYS feel like his wife has been 'tainted' for lack of a

better word, by an outside and will NEVER feel the same way about

his wife again. In the short term some men act so loving as they

want to do ANYTHING to win back their woman knowing they LOST

somehow to some other guy. Once that cycle is complete they begin

using the affair against the spouse. WHEW! Can we get off this

subject? My wifes been at Wal-Mart now for over an hour now and I'm

starting to wonder. lol

> > Hi Kim, I wasn't trying to be snide there so I apologize if I

> came

> > across that way. The simple fact is the rules that apply to a

man

> > and to a woman are the same but the mechanics and nature of the

> > offenses are TOTALLY different. A woman that has an affair,

even

> a

> > brief one, is usually so torn up. It is almost painful for a

> woman

> > to continue an affair on somebody she loves. A man is only

> worried

> > about one thing and that is getting caught. This is an

exception

> to

> > gay men. Why? I don't know. A woman may have an affair out of

a

> > sense of being ignored or taken for granted or plain old simple

> > physical needs. A man, far more often than not, simply has an

> > affair for sex. It may be new, different, exciting, or whatever

> but

> > is actually being initiated simply for the hunt and the thrill

of

> > the victory with little regard for the spouse.

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the information...LOL! Hope your wife returned from

Walmart!

> Well of course. Think about the mechanics of that little

> arrangment. For a male, generally speaking, its always about that

> little " something different " and then comes the proverbial hunt.

I

> truly appreciate you trying to stick for us guys, trust me, but in

> fact the numbers are like 95%+ for " repeat offender " and the " I

just

> don't want to get caught " syndrome. When a woman cheats (and

there

> are exceptions to this and I know because I married one a long

time

> ago) they feel extreme guilt and an anxiety so deep connected

witht

> he infidelity they almost wish they would get caught so they could

> end it. The opposite is true when it comes to making up after the

> discovery of an affair. Most women can forgive their man for an

> indescretion and may always feel a tiny bit uneasy when there is a

> late work night or something that sparks suspicion. A man,

however,

> will ALWAYS feel like his wife has been 'tainted' for lack of a

> better word, by an outside and will NEVER feel the same way about

> his wife again. In the short term some men act so loving as they

> want to do ANYTHING to win back their woman knowing they LOST

> somehow to some other guy. Once that cycle is complete they begin

> using the affair against the spouse. WHEW! Can we get off this

> subject? My wifes been at Wal-Mart now for over an hour now and

I'm

> starting to wonder. lol

[Guest guest]

VEECHEER, THANK YOU FOR THE EXPLANATION. IN THE BEGINNING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP

HE USED TO TELL ME THAT I COULD NEVER FIND ANYONE BETTER THAN HIM. NOW HE'S

KNOWING THAT I CAN FIND SOMEONE BETTER THAN HIM. HE USED TO SAY THAT I ACT

LIKE HE WAS BEATING ME OR BEING PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE. LITTLE DOES HE REALIZE THAT

HIS VERBAL AND MENTAL ATTACKS CREATED DEEPER SCARS. AT THIS POINT HE'S TRYING

EVERY BIT OF EFFORT TO BE NICE AND ATTENTIVE AND WONDERS WHY I DON'T RESPOND TO

HIS AFFECTION. I WONDER? AFTER ALL OF THE SCARS LEFT BEHIND I HAVE MY GUARD

UP SO HIGH I CAN BARELY SEE OVER IT! BEFORE WE WERE IN THE PROCESS OF

REFINANCING OUR HOUSE AND THEN GOT SEPERATED BECAUSE I WAS ON THE PHONE AND HE

ACCUSED ME OF TALKING TO A MAN BECAUSE I WAS OUTSIDE TALKING, IT HAPPENED TO BE

HOT

IN THE HOUSE AND HE WAS FOLLOWING ME AROUND SO I WANTED SOME PRIVACY(IT WAS MY

BEST FRIEND A FEMALE) ANYHOW HE THEN LOCKED ME OUT OF MY HOUSE WITH MY TWO

GIRLS INSIDE ASLEEP. HE LOCKED ALL OF THE DOORS, I HAD TO GO TO THE FRONT OF THE

HOUSE AND THREATEN TO CALL THE POLICE. WHEN WE SEPERATED BECAUSE OF THIS

INCIDENT HE DIDN'T WANT TO PROCEED WITH THE REFINANCING. NOW HE'S BACK IN THE

HOUSE AND MY INTENTIONS ARE ONCE WE REFINANCE TO BUY HIM OUT AND WE CAN GO OUR

SEPERATE WAYS. I'M FEELING EXTREMELY GUILTY ABOUT MY INTENTIONS AND I'M UNDER SO

MUCH STRESS. BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT WE ARE GOING TO REFINANCE HE THINKS IT

WOULD THEN BE OKAY TO QUIT HIS JOB TO LOOK FOR A BETTER ONE. CONSIDERING HE'S

HAD ABOUT 12 JOBS IN THE ENTIRE TIME OF OUR RELATIONSHIP THIS DOES NOT SETTLE

WELL WITH ME. I'VE BEEN GETTING CHEST PAINS AND HAVE STOPPED GOING TO THE GYM

WITHIN THE PAST WEEK, I'VE PUT ON ABOUT 6LBS AND AM BEING REALLY HARD ON MYSELF

FOR NOT STICKING TO MY DIET. I JUST WANT TO LIVE WITH SOME RELIEF BUT I HAVE

A FEELING IT'S GOING TO GET WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER. THANKS FOR YOUR

SUPPORT AND INPUT. I'VE BEEN COMING TO THIS SITE SINCE MY SURGERY BUT RARELY

WRITE. I'M NOW FINDING HOW THERAPEUTIC IT CAN REALLY BE. ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE

ARE

PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO HAVE WALKED IN MY SHOES AND CAN SHED SOME LIGHT OR KNOCK

SOME SENSE INTO ME... LOL ANYHOW HAVE A GOOD ONE!

LAURA