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In a message dated 10/11/2003 5:01:17 AM Eastern Standard Time,

cherish5@... writes:

I need help.

Hugs,

Lori

============================================

Direct conversation is the only way to not be a " mean mom " We just tell our

kids over and over, that they need to let us know when any statement we make

appears to be mean spirited. We let them know what hurt us as a child. I ask

my grown daughters about the mean things I said, and all they saw was a bad

mood. I have one MO daughter (who had surgery) and one daughter without the

disease. Nothing I could have done or said would have made the fat one be thin

or the thin one fat. But, they both have good self esteem because I always

tried to be honest (not sweet) and when I did something hurtful, I admitted it

and apologized.

It would take forever for me to debunk all the statements about how parents

can prevent morbid obesity, but you need to believe in the disease and just

concentrate on the self esteem issue. When my daughter was under 5 I tried

keeping goodies out of the house, so my neighbor called and said she was there

asking for cookies. The thin daughter would not have noticed there were no

cookies in the house. That says it all about our power over this disease.

Fay Bayuk

**300/166

10/23/01

Dr.

Open RNY 150 cm

Click for My Profile

http://obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=Bayuk951061008

Coping with the emotional aspects of craving food, one day at a time.

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Lori,

I certainly hear your pain over this. Sometimes things hurt and

it was never intentional. I would ask your daughter about it but not

dwell on it. You are already setting an example of healthy eating and

discussing healthy eating. I know for me I would go through pudgy phases

shortly before a growth spurt. That maybe all that is happening with

your daughter.

There is something that I was thinking while reading your post

and I hope you won't be offended. It sounds like maybe you need to talk

to a therapist or close friend about your concerns about your daughters

weight. It seems that the problem does not lay with your daughter but in

your reaction to your daughter and her weight. I would much rather have

you discuss your obsessions with someone else then consistently

discussing it with your daughter. My fear would be that your daughter

will eventually begin to think that there is something horribly wrong

with her and go in the exact direction you are trying to prevent. It's

just a thought.

Lori Owen - Denton, Texas

SRVG 7/16/01

Dr. Ritter/Dr. Bryce

On Sat, 11 Oct 2003 05:03:24 -0400 " Lori "

writes:

> I've read, with sadness, the posts about " mean moms " and I don't want

> to be

> one. Ever! I need help and I hope I'm not blasted, but if that's

> what it

> takes, I trust enough of you to give it to me full strength. You

> see, I

> have little ones that are counting on me to be a stable mother.

>

> I'm concerned about MY reaction to the weight of my children. I

> don't want

> to be a " mean mom " . The other day my 9yodd put on her dance leotard

> and

> skirt and I noticed a small tummy forming. Freaked me out. She's

> switched

> dance studios (the 1st one had almost all thin girls to a new one

> that has

> almost all overweight girls) and I don't want her to think that's

> healthy

> for her.

>

> We went for a walk yesterday and I asked her (big mouth!) if she

> noticed the

> girls at the new studio struggled with weight. She said she didn't

> even

> notice. I felt like an idiot that I HAD.

>

> I guess my biggest concern is that I (1) cause her to have an

> eating

> disorder - she can't tolerate sugar so she's already " different "

> there or

> (2) she'll end up like dh and I.

>

> I just so don't want her to go through what I had. My " mean mom "

> made 1

> comment that I remember growing up. She said, " you're starting to

> get hips,

> I see " (she said she " meant " that I was becoming a young woman) I

> took it as

> " you're getting fat " .

>

> That's all it took. From that night on I vowed to lose weight (I

> was always

> the skinny one.) at any and all costs. I'd wake up and do sit ups

> every

> chance I had. I'd sneak out of the house at night and run up and

> down the

> street as fast as I could (isn't that pathetic?) I'd " punish " myself

> for

> eating this or that by seeing how long I could go without eating.

>

> I don't want to even imply weight issues to my children. They enjoy

> the

> protein drinks. We've been discussing carbs/sugars and how it

> affects us,

> etc. They are ages 5, 9 and 12.

>

> I need help.

> Hugs,

> Lori

>

>

> Homepage: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Graduate-OSSG

>

> Unsubscribe: mailto:Graduate-OSSG-unsubscribe

>

>

>

>

>

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This is a big issue for me too. Since he was a baby, my son has

always been off the chart for height and weight but he has always

been proportional so the doctors have never considered it an issue.

He is 12 now and almost as tall as me but has his Dad's body shape

(love handles, full stomach & heavy legs). I worry about every

pound he puts on and try to keep my mouth shut because I remember

how sensitive I was if anyone made comments about how I ate. On the

other hand, I don't want him to become MO like his dad and me!! So,

even though I feel bad when I do it, I occasionally make comments to

him about his late night snacking or food choices and warn him that

he has the propensity for becoming MO if he isn't careful. I always

add that I don't want him to suffer the way I did but still....I

always feel bad when I discuss it with him. I know he feels " fat " .

He has said as much and mentioned some cruel comments others have

made to him. The fact is, for his height, his weight is in the

normal range. He already has low self-esteem so the last thing I

want to do is make it worse. How do we balance this? How can we

help our children understand and be aware of weight issues without

hurting their self-image?

in Washington

Lap RNY Sept 2001, Dr. Wittgrove

Minus 203.5 pounds

333.5/130

http://www.wworw.com

> I've read, with sadness, the posts about " mean moms " and I don't

want to be

> one. Ever! I need help and I hope I'm not blasted, but if that's

what it

> takes, I trust enough of you to give it to me full strength. You

see, I

> have little ones that are counting on me to be a stable mother.

>

> I'm concerned about MY reaction to the weight of my children. I

don't want

> to be a " mean mom " .

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Lori,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I am not offended by your

suggestion, in fact, I think it's a good one. I was discussing my " weight

issues " with my dh in private early this morning. I think it'd be a good

idea for me. Thanks! :)

Hugs,

Lori

Re: Mean Moms/help

> Lori,

> I certainly hear your pain over this. Sometimes things hurt and

> it was never intentional. I would ask your daughter about it but not

> dwell on it. You are already setting an example of healthy eating and

> discussing healthy eating. I know for me I would go through pudgy phases

> shortly before a growth spurt. That maybe all that is happening with

> your daughter.

> There is something that I was thinking while reading your post

> and I hope you won't be offended. It sounds like maybe you need to talk

> to a therapist or close friend about your concerns about your daughters

> weight. It seems that the problem does not lay with your daughter but in

> your reaction to your daughter and her weight. I would much rather have

> you discuss your obsessions with someone else then consistently

> discussing it with your daughter. My fear would be that your daughter

> will eventually begin to think that there is something horribly wrong

> with her and go in the exact direction you are trying to prevent. It's

> just a thought.

> Lori Owen - Denton, Texas

> SRVG 7/16/01

> Dr. Ritter/Dr. Bryce

>

> On Sat, 11 Oct 2003 05:03:24 -0400 " Lori "

> writes:

> > I've read, with sadness, the posts about " mean moms " and I don't want

> > to be

> > one. Ever! I need help and I hope I'm not blasted, but if that's

> > what it

> > takes, I trust enough of you to give it to me full strength. You

> > see, I

> > have little ones that are counting on me to be a stable mother.

> >

> > I'm concerned about MY reaction to the weight of my children. I

> > don't want

> > to be a " mean mom " . The other day my 9yodd put on her dance leotard

> > and

> > skirt and I noticed a small tummy forming. Freaked me out. She's

> > switched

> > dance studios (the 1st one had almost all thin girls to a new one

> > that has

> > almost all overweight girls) and I don't want her to think that's

> > healthy

> > for her.

> >

> > We went for a walk yesterday and I asked her (big mouth!) if she

> > noticed the

> > girls at the new studio struggled with weight. She said she didn't

> > even

> > notice. I felt like an idiot that I HAD.

> >

> > I guess my biggest concern is that I (1) cause her to have an

> > eating

> > disorder - she can't tolerate sugar so she's already " different "

> > there or

> > (2) she'll end up like dh and I.

> >

> > I just so don't want her to go through what I had. My " mean mom "

> > made 1

> > comment that I remember growing up. She said, " you're starting to

> > get hips,

> > I see " (she said she " meant " that I was becoming a young woman) I

> > took it as

> > " you're getting fat " .

> >

> > That's all it took. From that night on I vowed to lose weight (I

> > was always

> > the skinny one.) at any and all costs. I'd wake up and do sit ups

> > every

> > chance I had. I'd sneak out of the house at night and run up and

> > down the

> > street as fast as I could (isn't that pathetic?) I'd " punish " myself

> > for

> > eating this or that by seeing how long I could go without eating.

> >

> > I don't want to even imply weight issues to my children. They enjoy

> > the

> > protein drinks. We've been discussing carbs/sugars and how it

> > affects us,

> > etc. They are ages 5, 9 and 12.

> >

> > I need help.

> > Hugs,

> > Lori

> >

> >

> > Homepage: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Graduate-OSSG

> >

> > Unsubscribe: mailto:Graduate-OSSG-unsubscribe

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

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:

The fact is, for his height, his weight is in the normal range.

///////////

,

I think the question of balancing this is a good one. While it's been

something I was concerned with in the back of my mind, my children have

always been slender so it's never been an issue. If you (or anyone else for

that matter) were to see my dd you wouldn't even notice what I noticed.

She's in the perfectly normal range.

I think educating them of the healthy choices, (she prefers carbs) having

open conversation, setting the example, and helping them stay in tune with

their bodies (on a scale of 1-10 how hungry are you). My dd told me she

feels she needs to eat a little more often with less at a sitting because

otherwise she gets too hungry and feels " yucky " afterwards from eating too

much. Then I wonder, would that be " grazing " or just her paying attention

to her physical needs?

Lori's right, I need a shrink! :)

Hugs,

Lori

Re: Mean Moms/help

> This is a big issue for me too. Since he was a baby, my son has

> always been off the chart for height and weight but he has always

> been proportional so the doctors have never considered it an issue.

> He is 12 now and almost as tall as me but has his Dad's body shape

> (love handles, full stomach & heavy legs). I worry about every

> pound he puts on and try to keep my mouth shut because I remember

> how sensitive I was if anyone made comments about how I ate. On the

> other hand, I don't want him to become MO like his dad and me!! So,

> even though I feel bad when I do it, I occasionally make comments to

> him about his late night snacking or food choices and warn him that

> he has the propensity for becoming MO if he isn't careful. I always

> add that I don't want him to suffer the way I did but still....I

> always feel bad when I discuss it with him. I know he feels " fat " .

> He has said as much and mentioned some cruel comments others have

> made to him. The fact is, for his height, his weight is in the

> normal range. He already has low self-esteem so the last thing I

> want to do is make it worse. How do we balance this? How can we

> help our children understand and be aware of weight issues without

> hurting their self-image?

> in Washington

> Lap RNY Sept 2001, Dr. Wittgrove

> Minus 203.5 pounds

> 333.5/130

> http://www.wworw.com

>

>

>

>

> > I've read, with sadness, the posts about " mean moms " and I don't

> want to be

> > one. Ever! I need help and I hope I'm not blasted, but if that's

> what it

> > takes, I trust enough of you to give it to me full strength. You

> see, I

> > have little ones that are counting on me to be a stable mother.

> >

> > I'm concerned about MY reaction to the weight of my children. I

> don't want

> > to be a " mean mom " .

>

>

> Homepage: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Graduate-OSSG

>

> Unsubscribe: mailto:Graduate-OSSG-unsubscribe

>

>

>

>

>

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Lyn:I'd say, we need to let our kids know that the dangers are out there,

and then leave it alone. They've seen us, they know where we've been. When

they need to talk about it, they'll come to us.

/////////

Lyn,

This is a great idea! Thanks for sharing. :)

Hugs,

Lori

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> My poor kids got some weight genes they will be fighting- everyone on all

> sides of the family are heavy set except my hubby and my sister-in-law but she

> is not blood related.

The wild thing at our house is that my kids are both adopted AND YET they are

physically very similar in build to my dh and me. Both my dh and son are

broad-shouldered, barrel-chested, big guys. Dh is 6'2 " and 240 (was 260 but is

losing with South Beach Diet.) My son, who has not has his growth spurt yet, is

14 and 5'8 " and now 159 pounds. He has very big bones and is muscular but has

always had a layer of baby fat over the muscles. When we started SBD a little

more than 2 weeks ago he was 178. He has lost that middle pudge and looks like

a different kid.

My daughter is 9 years old, 5'2 " and 110 pounds. The big difference between

her and me is that she is naturally very muscular. I am naturally very flabby,

but I have worked to build muscle tone. She has broader shoulders than me

also. Right now she can wear all my clothes (I'm a 6) , except that the pants

are

too long in the legs and the rise for her. But I never know where my tees are

anymore because she is always wearing them! Ditto for clogs, slides, any shoes

like that. Funny. She does have quite a bit more upper-body weight lately,

but I notice that alot of the girls in her class at school are that way.

I think with kids you can set the example, articulate what is needed, and

have the good foods available... but they have to be motivated also. My son just

suddenly completely reversed himself on this after years of cramming in the

junk food. He has a goal (increase his time and core strength for baseball) and

he is pursuing it very determinedly. I am amazed.

They are both atheletes so that does help with the activity issue. However,

they both struggle with the need for more speed in their respective sports.

hugs,

Ann

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