Re: Relationship trouble AFTER WLS

September 10, 2004

,

Oh my God, you sound just like me....lol. I have recently gone through the

same things and feelings with my now ex-fiance. I also couldn't handle my new

found confidence and high-esteem. I happen to like the new found me. Having

the confidence of doing things that I haven't been able to do for years.

Friends have been telling me lately not only how good I'm looking but how much

more I'm smiling and seem really happy. These are all good things. Think we

all

need to hear it.

Laurette

4/23/04 open rny

309/290/231/150

St. Charity

Cleveland, Ohio

September 10, 2004

I think it is also an issue with many men because they are insecure. My

husband keeps saying that I am going to run off on him and find someone

else. I keep assuring him that he loves me fat or thin and why would I

want someone after I get thin that would not want me now? But it was

funny, a guy that I work with told me that his wife had the same surgery

and has already lost 70 something pounds. And then he said oh she will

probably run off and leave me soon. I really think they are just as

insecure as most women they just don't want to admit it.

But I can see how this operation will make a marriage stronger or it

will break it to pieces.

Dora in Tennessee

Open/Lap RNY 9/20/04

Vanderbilt Hospital

September 10, 2004

just wanted to make a correction after i wrote what i did. HE couldn't

handle my changes....lol.

September 10, 2004

Ok - I HAVE to put my two cents in on this one. My now ex boyfriend

told me when I announced that I was having the surgery, that he

didn't want me to have it, because I would lose weight and leave

him. Well, I had the surgery, and I've lost weight (104 pounds in

20 weeks - still going strong thank you very much) and yes I broke

up with him. Was it because I was getting smaller? Was it because

I could now hook up with a 'hotter' guy?

NO - it was because he couldn't handle my new confidence, my new

attitude toward life - the fact that I wasn't willing to settle any

more. I wanted more out of a relationship - and if he wasn't

willing to make some changes, then so be it. Our relationship had

been doing downhill for a while, to be honest, and I think I was

staying in it because it was easier than dealing with it or starting

over.

It's been a few months now, I do have guys interested in me, that

before the surgery probably wouldn't have been, but I don't know

that for sure. I know that my newfound confidence is a big part of

my 'appeal' now. There are very few people who want to be around

someone who is insecure and/or lacks self confidence and self esteem.

Well that's just my two cents - and I just love to let folks know

what I think, lol.

September 10, 2004

And I think your two cents is on the money. Good for you for not

settling. No one should ever have to settle. I have a dear friend that

admitted to me that she settled because she thought that he was her last

chance at getting married. She was 22 and stupid. Now 8 years later

they are divorced and she has a husband who adores her. I am just lucky

that I have found a man that adores me fat and I know will be here for

me when I am skinny.

________________________________

From:

Sent: Friday, September 10, 2004 11:44 AM

To: Gastric_Bypass_Family

Subject: Re: Relationship trouble AFTER WLS

Ok - I HAVE to put my two cents in on this one. My now ex boyfriend

told me when I announced that I was having the surgery, that he

didn't want me to have it, because I would lose weight and leave

him. Well, I had the surgery, and I've lost weight (104 pounds in

20 weeks - still going strong thank you very much) and yes I broke

up with him. Was it because I was getting smaller? Was it because

I could now hook up with a 'hotter' guy?

NO - it was because he couldn't handle my new confidence, my new

attitude toward life - the fact that I wasn't willing to settle any

more. I wanted more out of a relationship - and if he wasn't

willing to make some changes, then so be it. Our relationship had

been doing downhill for a while, to be honest, and I think I was

staying in it because it was easier than dealing with it or starting

over.

It's been a few months now, I do have guys interested in me, that

before the surgery probably wouldn't have been, but I don't know

that for sure. I know that my newfound confidence is a big part of

my 'appeal' now. There are very few people who want to be around

someone who is insecure and/or lacks self confidence and self esteem.

Well that's just my two cents - and I just love to let folks know

what I think, lol.

September 10, 2004

Kim,

I am so sorry to hear about all of that Kim. No one deserves to go

through anything like that. And good for you for deciding what will be

best for you and your children. It is time that you started thinking

about what is best for you. You know we are all here if and when you

need us for support.

Dora in Tennessee

Open/Lap RNY 9/20/04

Vanderbilt Hospital

September 10, 2004

ok my turn......i was about as heavy when i met my wife 3 years ago

as i am now. this surgery was her idea at first, she found in

the " lit " from her insureance company that it would cover it. of

course it didn't take long to find out that they would only cover

half but she didn't hesitate when saying that we will pay whatever it

takes to get it done. even if it means taking from her 401k. not long

after we met she wanted me both in the heart and in the bed and i

love her more that life itself so it does hurt some when she askes if

i'm going to leave her for a younger, prettier thiner girl( she's not

big but she has had a couple of kids if you know what i mean) after i

loose all the wieght.she calls me handsome now and worries that i

will be to much of a stud after.all i can do is reassure her that no

woman could ever take her place,EVER.that true love goes deeper than

tthat and i love her and could not live without her.

i hope i didn't sound like i was gragging to much, but i do know i am

the luckyest guy that has ever walked the face of the earth. ---------

-------In Gastric_Bypass_Family , " hersheynot "

<hersheynot@y...> wrote:

> I went to the support group meeting at the hospital and its for

> anyone that is interested in wls or already has had wls. It seems

> like most of the people there are postop from a few weeks out to

> almost two years and last night a woman thats been going there for

> months told us all that she is getting a divorce. I felt bad right

> away and everyone kept telling her they were sorry and she

> said, " don't feel sorry for me---I'm the one that filed! " She

> complained about how her husband has been treating her sooooo

> different since she lost the weight, about 100 pounds out he

started

> noticing her again she said. and then she said all he seemed

> interested in was sex, not really her. She said she wants love not

> lust, and she said she could tell she was just an object to him. I

> felt so sorry for her but what guts to get rid of him! Someone

said

> after the meeting that divorce or separation is common after wls

when

> someone loses weight things can change. The woman said if you love

> me you should love me for better or worse, thin or fat...

> I'm still reeling from the meeting.

> Pat

September 10, 2004

I feel that same way about my husband . He was with me through it all.

I met him about 4 years ago now, I think (bad at dates ) and we¹re

hitting our 2 yr. anniversary Oct. 5th. He gives me so much encouragement

through all of this, in the hospital, during post-op, and now 5 months

later. He doesn¹t make too many comments about me leaving him and I make

sure to let him know all the time how grateful I am to have him in my life.

A month or so ago I was diagnosed with stage IV arthritis in both knees

(I¹ve exercised extensively my whole life and the weight took it¹s toll) and

with all of it he¹s right here by my side. He¹s even lost 22 pounds since

I¹ve had surgery and looking to lose about 10 more .

--

Sagel Burns

Lap RNY April 9, 2004 (-83 lbs.)

348/265/140 (begin/current/goal)

carrie@... - www.carrieburns.net

> ok my turn......i was about as heavy when i met my wife 3 years ago

> as i am now. this surgery was her idea at first, she found in

> the " lit " from her insureance company that it would cover it. of

> course it didn't take long to find out that they would only cover

> half but she didn't hesitate when saying that we will pay whatever it

> takes to get it done. even if it means taking from her 401k. not long

> after we met she wanted me both in the heart and in the bed and i

> love her more that life itself so it does hurt some when she askes if

> i'm going to leave her for a younger, prettier thiner girl( she's not

> big but she has had a couple of kids if you know what i mean) after i

> loose all the wieght.she calls me handsome now and worries that i

> will be to much of a stud after.all i can do is reassure her that no

> woman could ever take her place,EVER.that true love goes deeper than

> tthat and i love her and could not live without her.

> i hope i didn't sound like i was gragging to much, but i do know i am

> the luckyest guy that has ever walked the face of the earth. ---------

> -------In Gastric_Bypass_Family , " hersheynot "

> <hersheynot@y...> wrote:

>> > I went to the support group meeting at the hospital and its for

>> > anyone that is interested in wls or already has had wls. It seems

>> > like most of the people there are postop from a few weeks out to

>> > almost two years and last night a woman thats been going there for

>> > months told us all that she is getting a divorce. I felt bad right

>> > away and everyone kept telling her they were sorry and she

>> > said, " don't feel sorry for me---I'm the one that filed! " She

>> > complained about how her husband has been treating her sooooo

>> > different since she lost the weight, about 100 pounds out he

> started

>> > noticing her again she said. and then she said all he seemed

>> > interested in was sex, not really her. She said she wants love not

>> > lust, and she said she could tell she was just an object to him. I

>> > felt so sorry for her but what guts to get rid of him! Someone

> said

>> > after the meeting that divorce or separation is common after wls

> when

>> > someone loses weight things can change. The woman said if you love

>> > me you should love me for better or worse, thin or fat...

>> > I'm still reeling from the meeting.

>> > Pat

>

September 10, 2004

Oh Kim I am sorry to hear about your husband! I know in my heart

that you are a wonderful person from reading all your posts and you

deserve to be happy! I won't go into my own bs of a marriage but

I'll tell you this, when I used to get upset with the comments my

husband made to me or things he did I would eat and eat and eat. If

something went good I would eat and eat and eat. You know how that

goes. Now when I get upset I try to go for a walk and if I feel like

celebrating (which is rare but does happen:), I buy myself a new

piece of clothing! When I got promoted I bought myself a nice yoga

outfit. I don't fit it anymore but I am glad I did that instead of a

fancy dinner like I would have in the old days. Treat yourself Kim

to something special soon, like a sleek new outfit or an exercise

class. Have a good weekend!

Bridget

September 10, 2004

Sends big hugss to Kim if i can do it on my own you can do it Kim...(smiles).

J Graby wrote:Ok a few of you know what my loving husband

did to me after surgery, I had surgeyr on May 5th of 2003 my husband whos in the

Navy had to leave for patrol on the 9th. I did not see him again till Aug 10th,

I was down about 60 pounds and 10 sizes. When he came off the Submarine he just

stopped and looked at me, he didnt hug me didnt kiss me nothing. I didnt let it

bother me till really after I found out things this past spring. I have been

with him since Sept 13 of 2000. Well he cheated on me with a " big " girl and his

reason was because of me losing weight, that I would find someone else. He said

that I was out of his league now. Oct 3rd will be a year that this happened. Of

course he lied about it. I never knew till he left for the patrol in Jan of

2004, I found out a week after he left. Well with him on Subs theres not much

communication. But I went and tried to hurt him as bad as I could. Meaning I

wanted the Navy to kick his butt down in rank ect.

Well he came home and made all

these promises. Yeah okay, Hes now been gone on this patrol since July 28th. I

am unsure when he will be back but its after Halloween and before Thanksgiving.

I am crying right now sorry. I have realized hes ruined our marrage and I want

out. His first wife did the same thing to him and he knows how it feels. I didnt

do this surgery to go get some hot guy or something like that I did it cause I

didnt want to be dead at 56 like my Nana was. I wanted to be there for my boys.

I let him back in too soon and he just assumes I forgive him which I do not. Im

realizing he killed my love for him with what he did. I love him deep down dont

get me wrong but I think truely he used me as an excuse to do what he wanted.

And I for one am sick of being blamed for stuff and being walked all over. I

tried to tell his Mom that I was going to ask him to move out when he gets back

and she basically was like Dont do it blah marrages have trouble ect. Yeah okay

I am sorry the man has lied to me since day

1. I admit we were stupid and ended up being pregnant. Well I did anyways. I

think thats the only reason I am here. But I have realized I dont need him. I

can do this on my own and take care of my boys they way they need to be. Well

sorry this was so long. Just really hit home with me.

Kim

hersheynot wrote:

I went to the support group meeting at the hospital and its for

anyone that is interested in wls or already has had wls. It seems

like most of the people there are postop from a few weeks out to

almost two years and last night a woman thats been going there for

months told us all that she is getting a divorce. I felt bad right

away and everyone kept telling her they were sorry and she

said, " don't feel sorry for me---I'm the one that filed! " She

complained about how her husband has been treating her sooooo

different since she lost the weight, about 100 pounds out he started

noticing her again she said. and then she said all he seemed

interested in was sex, not really her. She said she wants love not

lust, and she said she could tell she was just an object to him. I

felt so sorry for her but what guts to get rid of him! Someone said

after the meeting that divorce or separation is common after wls when

someone loses weight things can change. The woman said if you love

me you should love me for better or worse, thin or fat...

I'm still reeling from the meeting.

Pat

September 10, 2004

Personally id drop the zero and find a hero but thats my opinion and thats all

it is....

.

Bridget Northam wrote:

Insecurity plays a big part of it for all of us I think. It sounds like the

woman Pat was telling us about had a bigger problem than just an insecure

husband. She said her husband wasn't interested in her when she was " fat " and

only showed interest in her after she lost the weight. I agree with Pat saying

that doesn't sound like a loving husband to me either. Its one thing to be

insecure but to all the sudden give attention to someone you didn't give the

time of day to before is . . . I don't know what you'd call it. My own

husband gave me a hard time about my weight for yours, and sometimes he made

really cruel comments. I'm still waiting for him to fall all over me (LOL) now

that I've lost so much weight but I too wonder if I should accept his " advances "

after being treated crappy when I was obese. Just a thought . . .

Bridget

Dora McCary wrote:

I think it is also an issue with many men because they are insecure. My

husband keeps saying that I am going to run off on him and find someone

else. I keep assuring him that he loves me fat or thin and why would I

want someone after I get thin that would not want me now? But it was

funny, a guy that I work with told me that his wife had the same surgery

and has already lost 70 something pounds. And then he said oh she will

probably run off and leave me soon. I really think they are just as

insecure as most women they just don't want to admit it.

But I can see how this operation will make a marriage stronger or it

will break it to pieces.

Dora in Tennessee

Open/Lap RNY 9/20/04

Vanderbilt Hospital

September 10, 2004

I can totally relates to all of this.

.

J Graby wrote:

Tis okay LOL and thank you I try to be nice lol but sometimes I can come off

mean. I got rid of one loser husband guess its time for number two to hit the

door. LOL

Thanks again