Guest guest Posted November 17, 2003 Report Share Posted November 17, 2003 <<And I get defensive. I am still so protective over that fat person. I REALLY need to let her go.>> And when are you going to do that? Yep, I'm going to chew on you. WHO did you want to be when you had this surgery? Did you want people to accept you for who you are, or what you looked like, before you had it? Do you think they're going to now? NO THEY AREN'T. I'm almost 22 years out. I can tell you, they WON'T. You just have to be who you are. Every day of your life. Just stop accepting people who are just plain RUDE, for their behavior. You don't have to make excuses and you don't have to be less than what is inside your heart. Grab your life and enjoy it to the fullest, and quit worrying about " other people. " They really don't matter anyway. Jac http://www.pictureitdigitaldesigns.com/ http://members.cox.net/XXXFARMPAINTS mail to: jholdaway@... Order a BRAT 2004 calendar today at: http://www.basenjirescue.org/calendarcontest/ dating again... In a message dated 11/17/2003 10:16:52 AM Eastern Standard Time, Graduate-OSSG writes: Now all I need is a boyfriend!! I find it very hard to date. When men hit on me I think " would you be asking me out when I was 300+ lbs??? And I get defensive. I am still so protective over that fat person. I REALLY need to let her go. Hi Ya....this is such a problem for me just now...i had a boyfriend when i was fat and through the losing phase and then i realised that i wanted more and broke up with him which was one of the best things that i ever did for either of us...he is so much better and i am too but that is so weird that we are better without each other...he wants to get back and i am dating others....anyway the point of this is what i try to think about when the boys start chatting me up and those thoughts of " when i was almost 300 pounds you wouldn't have talked to me " ...i try to remember that i would have never have talked to them either and that I didn't know them then and i am not that person anymore...i am who i am now.... and that is the person that they are attracted to....and to welcome that feeling because that when i was so big i had a cushion around myself that protected me because boys didn't reject me...they rejected the fat, now when they reject me and that is so much more painful...even though it is a superficial rejection it reminds me of how painful it could be when those rejections are more personal...my answer was match.com and (and an individual therapist)...it was the greatest thing ever...so many boys so little time...I am seeing a great person just now that i really like and every time i look at him i am like he is so cute what is he doing with me...but then he does a boy thing and i remember that he is human just like me....the therapy is just to keep my head in check because my surgery was 1/24/00, (is that possible that i am nearly 3 years out?) anyway i still feel fat and have problems with the fact that i don't get the credit for all the years that i was fat and dealt with that...people see thin and i see ok (maybe..) So it helps to have someone that is objective to bounce this stuff off of....good luck to you....be happy... have fun....Cheers, Yvonne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2003 Report Share Posted November 17, 2003 Yvonne writes: When men hit on me I think " would you be asking me out when I was 300+ lbs??? And I get defensive. Of course they wouldn't ask you out when you were fat, and they shouldn't be judged negatively for it!!! I see guys at my support group meeting with big beer guts and crooked yellow teeth out on the porch smoking a cig and am totally repulsed. Now if he takes care of himself, is clean and gets his teeth fixed, I might start to notice. Not only that, now that you're losing weight, you probably have a more positive attitude, are more enrgetic and don't isolate. These are the things that are attractive. I remember years ago going out to dance with my two gorgeous thin girlfriends in oh so body conscious Hollywood. They were dressed to the nines. I only had my Hawaiian coullottes (was on vacation from elsewhere) and was about 220 pounds. But I was happy! And I was interested in others (no snotty attitude), outgoing and my body beamed with energy. Now who do you think danced all night, and who do you think stood at the dance floor railing all night with drinks in their hands? Get over the " would they have dated me when I was fat " . I wouldn't have dated ME when I was fat!!! And depressed, with poor self image, mired in guilt and a big drag to be with. It's different now. The past is history. Vicki A. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2003 Report Share Posted November 17, 2003 Vicky... I applaud you for saying it like it is!!! THat was absolutely true and I am sick of people who ask?? But would he have dated you or been interested in you before your surgery???? I went to a support group must last week, and there sat a couple. I was new so I introduced myself.and added that I am not engaged!!! Everyone congratulated me.. but the couple sitting across from me...they looked at eachother and said, oh.. hmmm, get the surgery, lose weight, then got engaged...hmmmm well.. my husband met me when I was 400lbs.. and he still wanted to be with me.. and he and her giggled and kissed it was disgusting.. what she failed to say was that her husband also had the surgery and he was 700 lbs!!!!!..now I'm sorry but they don't have any right to judge my fiance' just because he didn't know me before my surgery.. the class had just ended so I didn't have time to air my side.. but boy was I pissed.!!!..thank you for putting it so nicely and it is true.. I wouldn't have dated me.. so why should I punish others.. does that mean that after surgery we can only date people who knew us before, when we were fat and out of sorts!! that doesn't make sense.. so Bravo to you.. Tricia In San , Ca 265lbs.. size 26 155lbs... size 10 yippeee..!!!!!! ps.. and that couple was still big and ugly, sorry to say.. he had lost 300 lbs..already and she was still 240 or something.. but they should not have rained on my parade..I was happy for them... oh well.. some people... bye for now.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2003 Report Share Posted November 17, 2003 Brava, Jac! In a message dated 11/17/2003 5:56:58 PM Eastern Standard Time, Graduate-OSSG writes: > Grab your life and enjoy it to the fullest, and quit worrying > about " other people. " They really don't matter anyway. > > Jac > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2003 Report Share Posted November 17, 2003 Dating is rough no matter how one slices it. It's built up with all sorts of rejection on being fat, skinny, black, yellow, white....all hurt when the rejection comes and they choose something to protect. May be their nose, may be their hair, in us...it's our fat. How I have dealt with this questoin is I guess I take a look at how was I at 300 lbs. Would I have dated me out the shoot at first glance? If I answer it honestly, I'd say no. That is sad. But it's true. I could barely get up the stairs or wipe myself...let's not even talk about how sex was tiring. I could not go on a wonderful hike on a beautiful day. Walking at a mall was tiresome..what a partner I was. And because I was in pain, I was a superbitch..hard to explain but my attitude was not sweet. Part of dating is seeing how the other person can complement you in a relationship....personality wise, etc. It's all part of the attraction. I still have my superbitch moments but I'm much sweeter now I think and more excited about life and it shows. I can give SO much more to my partner now. While I surely do not advocate not dating fat ppl, I don't think it's a bad thing for ppl to have standards and if part of those standards are not being with someone who has a debilitating disease (I saw my fat as that) then I can understand atleast their perspective without taking it personally. To me I see a difference in when you first meet someone...vs getting married and later gaining the weight. Once you get married it really is for better or for worse in my mind and the love should have moved past the superficial arena you'd think. When you are dating, you are testing things out to see what is workable and if it's someone you could potentially love beyond the infatuation and the standards need to be in place or you will end up in a relationship with every single person you date. I was 220 when I met my guy. I was not debilitated *yet*. I did balloon up to 300 lbs though within 2 years. I'm thankful that he stayed with me. But I wondered here and there if I was already at 300 lbs if he'd have dated me. I don't put any more thought into it...it was more of a curious question in my head than a concern. At any rate, I love him MORE because he did stay with me through the roughest spots and supported me through this change. This is just how I view the subject and it helps me to not dwell on it, not meaning to take away from anyone's view of it but maybe it will give you another way to see it and try to let go of it. Sherra > In a message dated 11/17/2003 10:16:52 AM Eastern Standard Time, > Graduate-OSSG writes: > Now all I need is a boyfriend!! > I find it very hard to date. When men hit on me I think " would you be asking > me out when I was 300+ lbs??? And I get defensive. I am still so protective > over that fat person. I REALLY need to let her go. > Hi Ya....this is such a problem for me just now...i had a boyfriend when i > was fat and through the losing phase and then i realised that i wanted more and > broke up with him which was one of the best things that i ever did for either > of us...he is so much better and i am too but that is so weird that we are > better without each other...he wants to get back and i am dating others....anyway > the point of this is what i try to think about when the boys start chatting > me up and those thoughts of " when i was almost 300 pounds you wouldn't have > talked to me " ...i try to remember that i would have never have talked to them > either and that I didn't know them then and i am not that person anymore...i am > who i am now.... and that is the person that they are attracted to....and to > welcome that feeling because that when i was so big i had a cushion around > myself that protected me because boys didn't reject me...they rejected the fat, now > when they reject me and that is so much more painful...even though it is a > superficial rejection it reminds me of how painful it could be when those > rejections are more personal...my answer was match.com and (and an individual > therapist)...it was the greatest thing ever...so many boys so little time...I am > seeing a great person just now that i really like and every time i look at him i > am like he is so cute what is he doing with me...but then he does a boy thing > and i remember that he is human just like me....the therapy is just to keep my > head in check because my surgery was 1/24/00, (is that possible that i am > nearly 3 years out?) anyway i still feel fat and have problems with the fact > that i don't get the credit for all the years that i was fat and dealt with > that...people see thin and i see ok (maybe..) So it helps to have someone that is > objective to bounce this stuff off of....good luck to you....be happy... have > fun....Cheers, Yvonne > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2003 Report Share Posted November 17, 2003 Sherra, I love your perspective on dating....and it is true. When my husband and I married I was thin...145 and balloned up to 268....would he have dated me at 268...I doubt it and for that matter at my thin weight I probably wouldn't have dated him when he was heavy...I didn't know the other side or how it felt to be heavy. He did stay with me through thick and thin...and now the roles have reversed....he was thin when I was heavy and now I am thin and he is heavy....so when I say thick and thin it goes both ways....and we are more in love now after 14 years then when we met. Guess in the dating world the circumstances just have to be right. Whether you are fat or thin. Karla Hook Dr. Provost 4/7/00 -118 > Dating is rough no matter how one slices it. It's built up with all sorts of > rejection on being fat, skinny, black, yellow, white....all hurt when the > rejection comes and they choose something to protect. May be their nose, > may be their hair, in us...it's our fat. > > How I have dealt with this questoin is I guess I take a look at how was I at > 300 lbs. Would I have dated me out the shoot at first glance? If I answer > it honestly, I'd say no. That is sad. But it's true. I could barely get > up the stairs or wipe myself...let's not even talk about how sex was tiring. > I could not go on a wonderful hike on a beautiful day. Walking at a mall > was tiresome..what a partner I was. And because I was in pain, I was a > superbitch..hard to explain but my attitude was not sweet. Part of dating > is seeing how the other person can complement you in a > relationship....personality wise, etc. It's all part of the attraction. I > still have my superbitch moments but I'm much sweeter now I think and more > excited about life and it shows. I can give SO much more to my partner now. > > While I surely do not advocate not dating fat ppl, I don't think it's a bad > thing for ppl to have standards and if part of those standards are not being > with someone who has a debilitating disease (I saw my fat as that) then I > can understand atleast their perspective without taking it personally. To > me I see a difference in when you first meet someone...vs getting married > and later gaining the weight. Once you get married it really is for better > or for worse in my mind and the love should have moved past the superficial > arena you'd think. When you are dating, you are testing things out to see > what is workable and if it's someone you could potentially love beyond the > infatuation and the standards need to be in place or you will end up in a > relationship with every single person you date. > > I was 220 when I met my guy. I was not debilitated *yet*. I did balloon up > to 300 lbs though within 2 years. I'm thankful that he stayed with me. But > I wondered here and there if I was already at 300 lbs if he'd have dated me. > I don't put any more thought into it...it was more of a curious question in > my head than a concern. At any rate, I love him MORE because he did stay > with me through the roughest spots and supported me through this change. > > > This is just how I view the subject and it helps me to not dwell on it, not > meaning to take away from anyone's view of it but maybe it will give you > another way to see it and try to let go of it. > > > Sherra > > > > In a message dated 11/17/2003 10:16:52 AM Eastern Standard Time, > > Graduate-OSSG writes: > > Now all I need is a boyfriend!! > > I find it very hard to date. When men hit on me I think " would you be > asking > > me out when I was 300+ lbs??? And I get defensive. I am still so > protective > > over that fat person. I REALLY need to let her go. > > Hi Ya....this is such a problem for me just now...i had a boyfriend when i > > was fat and through the losing phase and then i realised that i wanted > more and > > broke up with him which was one of the best things that i ever did for > either > > of us...he is so much better and i am too but that is so weird that we are > > better without each other...he wants to get back and i am dating > others....anyway > > the point of this is what i try to think about when the boys start > chatting > > me up and those thoughts of " when i was almost 300 pounds you wouldn't > have > > talked to me " ...i try to remember that i would have never have talked to > them > > either and that I didn't know them then and i am not that person > anymore...i am > > who i am now.... and that is the person that they are attracted to....and > to > > welcome that feeling because that when i was so big i had a cushion around > > myself that protected me because boys didn't reject me...they rejected the > fat, now > > when they reject me and that is so much more painful...even though it is a > > superficial rejection it reminds me of how painful it could be when those > > rejections are more personal...my answer was match.com and (and an > individual > > therapist)...it was the greatest thing ever...so many boys so little > time...I am > > seeing a great person just now that i really like and every time i look at > him i > > am like he is so cute what is he doing with me...but then he does a boy > thing > > and i remember that he is human just like me....the therapy is just to > keep my > > head in check because my surgery was 1/24/00, (is that possible that i am > > nearly 3 years out?) anyway i still feel fat and have problems with the > fact > > that i don't get the credit for all the years that i was fat and dealt > with > > that...people see thin and i see ok (maybe..) So it helps to have someone > that is > > objective to bounce this stuff off of....good luck to you....be happy... > have > > fun....Cheers, Yvonne > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2003 Report Share Posted November 17, 2003 > Dating is rough no matter how one slices it. It's built up with all sorts of rejection *** there is a book called Living the Lighter Lifestyle by dr. Gayle s and published by Wheatfield press that deals with the psychological aspects and relationship aspects after gastric bypass and weight loss. I know gayle has a website now so you shouldn't have any trouble finding the site or the book. sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2003 Report Share Posted November 17, 2003 In a message dated 11/17/2003 8:26:17 PM Eastern Standard Time, Pevasqz@... writes: ps.. and that couple was still big and ugly, sorry to say.. he had lost 300 lbs..already and she was still 240 or something.. but they should not have rained on my parade..I was happy for them... oh well.. some people... bye for now.. =================================== two wrongs don't make a right. This statement is beneath you and I know you didn't mean to sound so mean spirited. Fay Bayuk **300/169 10/23/01 Dr. Open RNY 150 cm Click for My Profile http://obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=Bayuk951061008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 19, 2003 Report Share Posted November 19, 2003 In a message dated 11/19/2003 11:15:49 PM Eastern Standard Time, lgallagher95830@... writes: but what other people think of me is none of my business. =========================================== I thought this was a secret saying I had with my best friend. Fay Bayuk **300/169 10/23/01 Dr. Open RNY 150 cm Click for My Profile http://obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=Bayuk951061008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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