You Know You're Pretty Screwed Up When ....

[Guest guest]

.... you would much prefer to be sick for a few days as a result of a bad

binge, than you would to have gained a couple of pounds from the binge. I

think

this is scary thinking, and it's mine.

Yesterday, I had a really bad day. SUPER BAD. I had just gotten 3 bags

of sugar free cookies in the house for the first time. Normally, I am

judicious about sugar alcohols, cause they wreak havoc on my guts. Figured I'd

be

okay with the cookies, as a serving size (3 cookies) had only 3 grams of sugar

alcohols. Hell, I could limit myself, couldn't I? I would stick to the

serving size, and wouldn't have a problem. That was the theory. Yesterday,

emotionally, was not a good day to test out new theories. So having " tried "

one cookie in the morning, about 2 hours later, I just went wild. Grazed on

those things all day. By early evening, there was 1/2 bag left, and by that

point I was feeling pretty miserable. Spent the rest of the night in the

bathroom. Must have taken 2000 mgs of simethicone, easily. Today has not

been

so great either. Another 2000 mgs simethicone. Time to buy stock in GasX.

And the really sick thing is that this morning, I didn't care how sick I felt

AS LONG AS I DIDN'T GAIN ANY WEIGHT.

I am really upset about this.

Lucille

[Guest guest]

/hugs Lucille,

You aren't alone, believe me.

After doing this myself, you should see me debate inside my head when I go

to the store. I have an angel on one shoulder saying " Oh you will just have

one every two days " the other angel is sceaming at the other one calling it

a " liar " . So far the angel screaming liar wins........I hope it continues

to win.

I have just resigned myself to the fact that I just can not buy the stuff.

I'm too attracted to textures in food. I have people ridicule me for

" denying " myself, but like you...I just do not want to gain and I know I

will if I have it. I have just come to accept that about me. I LOVE food,

always have and always will. I just don't look at it as denying myself, I

look at it as I have the " I love food " disease and yes once in awhile I

break down and buy it (I don't rake myself over the coals for it..I move on

and commit the feeling to memory for next time). I also notice how crappy I

feel too and am sorry. I just try to remember that feeling and hope it will

help me remember that the only thing I am really denying myself is feeling

like crap.

Sherra

You Know You're Pretty Screwed Up When ....

> ... you would much prefer to be sick for a few days as a result of a bad

> binge, than you would to have gained a couple of pounds from the binge.

I think

> this is scary thinking, and it's mine.

>

> Yesterday, I had a really bad day. SUPER BAD. I had just gotten 3

bags

> of sugar free cookies in the house for the first time. Normally, I am

> judicious about sugar alcohols, cause they wreak havoc on my guts.

Figured I'd be

> okay with the cookies, as a serving size (3 cookies) had only 3 grams of

sugar

> alcohols. Hell, I could limit myself, couldn't I? I would stick to the

> serving size, and wouldn't have a problem. That was the theory.

Yesterday,

> emotionally, was not a good day to test out new theories. So having

" tried "

> one cookie in the morning, about 2 hours later, I just went wild.

Grazed on

> those things all day. By early evening, there was 1/2 bag left, and by

that

> point I was feeling pretty miserable. Spent the rest of the night in the

> bathroom. Must have taken 2000 mgs of simethicone, easily. Today has

not been

> so great either. Another 2000 mgs simethicone. Time to buy stock in

GasX.

>

> And the really sick thing is that this morning, I didn't care how sick I

felt

> AS LONG AS I DIDN'T GAIN ANY WEIGHT.

>

> I am really upset about this.

>

> Lucille

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Lucille, gentle hugs! I so know what you mean. Don't beat yourself up,

get back up on that horse!

I had a rather one sided love affair with a new potato chip this summer. I

won't name the evil chip. I consider myself very lucky when I go to the

grocery store and I don't put any in the cart. Even today when I was

grocery shopping, I started to walk up the chip isle and then backed out of

it and laughed. The lady by me thought I was weird, but who cares, the

nasty chips didn't get in! And for my reward I got to have a cute guy smile

at me and move his cart out of the way. OR was he an evil chip in disguise!

ha

Oh, before WLS I couldn't stand chips, go figure!

Joanie

You Know You're Pretty Screwed Up When ....

> ... you would much prefer to be sick for a few days as a result of a bad

> binge, than you would to have gained a couple of pounds from the binge.

I think

> this is scary thinking, and it's mine.

>

> Yesterday, I had a really bad day. SUPER BAD. I had just gotten 3

bags

> of sugar free cookies in the house for the first time. Normally, I am

> judicious about sugar alcohols, cause they wreak havoc on my guts.

Figured I'd be

> okay with the cookies, as a serving size (3 cookies) had only 3 grams of

sugar

> alcohols. Hell, I could limit myself, couldn't I? I would stick to the

> serving size, and wouldn't have a problem. That was the theory.

Yesterday,

> emotionally, was not a good day to test out new theories. So having

" tried "

> one cookie in the morning, about 2 hours later, I just went wild.

Grazed on

> those things all day. By early evening, there was 1/2 bag left, and by

that

> point I was feeling pretty miserable. Spent the rest of the night in the

> bathroom. Must have taken 2000 mgs of simethicone, easily. Today has

not been

> so great either. Another 2000 mgs simethicone. Time to buy stock in

GasX.

>

> And the really sick thing is that this morning, I didn't care how sick I

felt

> AS LONG AS I DIDN'T GAIN ANY WEIGHT.

>

> I am really upset about this.

>

> Lucille

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes Lucille, you have described the disease of Alcoholism, drug addiction and

foods addiction. I don't know if it is the particular food we want or what.

The other night, I was very full, had stomach pains, and made a big salad and

ate it even though it was making the pain worse. I felt like if I didn't

eat, I would lose my mind. I wonder how the " professionals " would handle such a

demand from within. It was akin to asking me to stop inhaling air. My 2

cents.

Fay Bayuk

**300/172

10/23/01

Dr.

Open RNY 150 cm

Click for My Profile

http://obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=Bayuk951061008

[Guest guest]

Thanks to everyone who responded to my post. I was feeling pretty disgusted

with myself. I agree 100% with you Sherra, I need to keep problematic foods

OUT of the house. I am nowhere near that point yet (if ever it will come)

where I am comfortable handling sensible portioning of " trigger " foods, at

least not on a consistent basis. If I never can, I won't berate my " weakness "

-- that much I have learned. So Joanie -- you stay out of the nasty chip aisle

and I'll pretend the plague awaits me in the cookie aisle. As long as it

stays in the store, we got a fightin' chance! And Fay, what you described

about eating that salad even though you were in pain is EXACTLY the same dynamic

that I was involved in doing. I knew full well as I gorged on those cookies

that it was going to make me sick. And sick for a COUPLE of days. I knew

it, and (at that moment) I didn't care. I think more than anything, this is

the part I find most disturbing --- how our food compulsions (at the moment we

are embroiled in them) trump whatever injury we KNOW we will be doing to

ourselves. I ask myself over and over and over --- WHY do we hurt ourselves?

For me: part genetics, part disease, part emotional. Two parts I can work

on, and I am.

Thanks again everyone,

Lucille

>

>

[Guest guest]

Well, um. I um, really understand. I don't just understand, I empathize.

I don't just emphasize, I know EXACTLY what you mean, because I do that too.

I guess it is a little odd. But with all the negativity that has been

directed at us for being fat, it's no wonder that not getting fat again is

of paramount importance to us. In fact, I didn't stop bingeing on sugar

free cookies until I started gaining weight.

This is not completely bizarre, because look at all the people who expected

us to do whatever it took to lose weight, no matter how much we suffered.

When I was in college I went to my doctor and told her that whenever I

dieted I got very dizzy and tired and couldn't concentrate on my studies.

(She had been nagging me to lose weight). So, I told her I was doing it

anyway, but how long would I have to feel so bad I could hardly function?

Her reply? " As long as it takes. "

I'm not saying that all this is other people's fault. It's just nice to

know that sometimes we have reasons for what we do, and it's not always

because we're crazy. So, " As long as we lose weight, it doesn't matter if

we suffer. "

I rest my case.

Barbara Jean

You Know You're Pretty Screwed Up When ....

>

>> And the really sick thing is that this morning, I didn't care how sick I

felt

> AS LONG AS I DIDN'T GAIN ANY WEIGHT.

>

> I am really upset about this.

>

> Lucille

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Lucille, the only thing I can tell you is that I can so relate. The

cookies? ph's SF Pecan Shortbread (I think that's what they're

called). What makes them worse is that I don't get sick from the

sugar alcohols. I can't buy them because I can't just have 1 or 2 or

3.

in NJ

*************************

> ... you would much prefer to be sick for a few days as a result of

a bad binge, than you would to have gained a couple of pounds from

the binge. I think this is scary thinking, and it's mine.

>

> Yesterday, I had a really bad day. SUPER BAD. I had just

gotten 3 bags of sugar free cookies in the house for the first

time. Normally, I am judicious about sugar alcohols, cause they

wreak havoc on my guts. Figured I'd be okay with the cookies, as a

serving size (3 cookies) had only 3 grams of sugar alcohols. Hell,

I could limit myself, couldn't I? I would stick to the serving

size, and wouldn't have a problem. That was the theory.

Yesterday, emotionally, was not a good day to test out new

theories. So having " tried " one cookie in the morning, about 2

hours later, I just went wild. Grazed on those things all day.

By early evening, there was 1/2 bag left, and by that point I was

feeling pretty miserable. Spent the rest of the night in the

> bathroom. Must have taken 2000 mgs of simethicone, easily.

Today has not been so great either. Another 2000 mgs simethicone.

Time to buy stock in GasX.

>

> And the really sick thing is that this morning, I didn't care how

sick I felt AS LONG AS I DIDN'T GAIN ANY WEIGHT.

>

> I am really upset about this.

>

> Lucille

>

>

[Guest guest]

This is what is so extraordinary and invaluable about this list: that here

we all are, very different people, from different backgrounds, in different

parts of the country etc. (even some from overseas), and yet I could begin to

describe a situation as I did yesterday, and you could jump in mid-sentence and

finish my thoughts, then Sherra could begin paragraph 2. Barbara Jean could

continue from there, as could Fay, and Joanie, and Lori, etc., and (just to

show this crosses gender lines) I'll bet could punctuate and add a PS or

two. People lurking and reading at home are probably nodding their heads in

agreement at much of the stuff we who post discuss on this list, because

their experiences are similar or identical. No doubt about it, this is our

strength. This is how we can support each other, because we each of us KNOW.

I

don't think I have read a single challenge or struggle on this list by another

poster that I haven't experienced or thought myself. I'll bet that is very

true for many of us.

I am not normally a confessional type of person, and frankly I wouldn't have

been able to conceive of disclosing some of the feelings I have in any other

type of public forum, except to those on this list because I KNOW I will be

understood and supported and not condemned, by people who have 100% empathy.

I am so grateful that this list exists.

Lucille

In a message dated 11/23/2003 10:08:02 AM Eastern Standard Time,

Graduate-OSSG writes:

> Lucille, the only thing I can tell you is that I can so relate. The

> cookies? ph's SF Pecan Shortbread (I think that's what they're

> called). What makes them worse is that I don't get sick from the

> sugar alcohols. I can't buy them because I can't just have 1 or 2 or

> 3.

>

> in NJ

>

[Guest guest]

Very true and worth alot more than that, Fay. Thanks!

Lucille

In a message dated 11/23/2003 10:08:02 AM Eastern Standard Time,

Graduate-OSSG writes:

> My 2

> cents.

>

>

> Fay Bayuk

>