Kids who taunt/ way OT

[Guest guest]

Dear Brave Souls: 's post caught my eye, for I have experience in the

area. Just my two cent's worth.

Most of you who have been on the list a long time along with me know that I

was a post-trauma specialist at Columbine High School from right after the

massacre in 1999 til 2003. These are the things I taught the ADULTS of the

community and of the staff while I was there. It was astonishing how

disempowered

everyone felt, knowing that many things were awry, but feeling helpless to stop

them. It takes adults acting like ADULTs, taking charge with kindness and

firmness, insisting, holding no person less than another, no goodness of human

nature as less than another, BUT holding certain behaviors as completely

off-limits. Period.

Here is some food for thought. These are the things that were said to me,

many times. In parens are my general responses:

1. When people say, well, kids will be kids.

(No they are in school to learn social skills as well as intellectual skills.

Acting courteously comes under social skill learning. What are you doing to

teach social skills in this area? What kind of support do you need from me?)

2. When people say, well, the child just has to learn to put up with it like

we all did when we were young.

(No. When we were young, adults overlooked this kind of rotten behavior. You

see the results of it in over high uncivilized public discourses today. This

is a new generation that needs to learn to figure out ways to get the most of

what they would like that is possible, and without denigrating anyone including

themselves. Do you yourself know how to do that? If not, or if you do, either

way, would you like to learn more new and effective ways than you already

know? Do you know how to teach these to children? )

3. When they say, well, this is the real world, and the real world isn't fair.

(No, the real world has remedies for injustice and bullying. School should

not be LESS than the world, but at least EQUAL to the real world in which there

are remedies when people overstep boundaries. What would you do in your adult

world, if your colleagues at work treated you this way, said this to you, put

their hands on you in this way? What does this tell you about the double

standard re kids and adults?)

4. When they say, the kids will tease/ taunt/ bully even harder if your bring

it to their attention.

(No, the kids are dying (often literally I am afraid) to have ADULTS find the

principle that applies to decency amongst the students, and to teach it with

humor and seriousness, to stick to that principle, day after day, no

exceptions. What is your principle with regard to teaching decency to children?)

5. When people say, well you just want the world to be all touchy-feely.

(No. We want the world to be a place of decency where the soul, heart and

disciplined mind leads the discourse. This includes courtesy, if not also

kindness. This includes respect, if not also continuing relationship. This

includes

regard, if not also concern. These are the premises of an advanced

civilization, not of the mayhem that passes for " society " in many systems today.

It is up

to adults to set the model to be followed. What model are you using?)

6. When they say, what can I do? I didn't see it, hear it, etc.

(No. PUt both children in detention regardless of who did what. Hold them

both innocent for that day only. Teach during that detention how people talk to

each other with decency. Tell them, even if they disagree with one another,

they must treat one another far better tomorrow and all days ensuing. Tell them

you will be watching. Compliment them when they do well. Pull them up short

when they do not. Some kids are remedial until they go through the same thing 3

or 4 times. )

7. When they say, boys will be boys/ or girls will be girls

(No. Boys will become the men we help them to become. Girls will become the

women we help them to become. Teaching them to negotiate when they can, to

keep their hands, mouths, gossip and other ways of assaulting the hearts, minds,

spirits and bodies of others-- learning to negotiate all these hazards take

teaching the children the tools of ADULTHOOD. You don't want to keep them babies

forever. You want them to be as happy as they can be as adults with as little

time spent in aggravation and irritation. What are the most sophisticated

ideas and tools you can think of to teach them NOW?)

8. When they say you are just trying to coddle children.

(No. I am for teaching them the real world. In the real world, in an office,

you cannot call employees names, you cannot send them written notes that are

denigrating, (these are called harassment and will not be tolerated in the

workplace), you cannot touch another person in anger (in the REAL world, this is

called assault) , you can not stand in a woman's way so that she must press her

body against yours in order to get past you(this is called sexual harassment)

, you cannot yell at others, threaten others (this is called menacing), you

cannot deface their property (this is called vandalism) or steal it (This is

called robbery), you cannot harm them or interfere with their right to do

business (This is called tortious interference of business advantage), you

cannot

spread false rumors about them (This is called slander, and libel), You cannot

trip them, grab them by the neck, grab their genitalia, throw things at them,

endanger their being, and you cannot extort money from them (in the adult

world, this is called racketeering and extortion.) The list goes on. Why?

Because

even some adults have a hard time regulating their behavior, and the laws have

been passed to take that into account. Some children have a hard time

regulating their behavior until they are taught better. The adults may have no

one to

teach them But the kids are surrounded by teachers who can give them a chance

to live in a better world--- that would be you and all your grace and smarts

and love for humanity-- you are the one who sets the tone, the pace and the

expectations. What is your tone? What is your pace? What is your expectation?

The real world where people have many protections? Or a phony world where no one

has protection if they are children?)

9. When they say, I am just trying to teach here; I am not a judge, jury,

social worker. I have to get these kids ready to pass c-saps and other tests; I

don't have time to do what their parents ought to be doing.

(No. Your job is to establish the societal and emotional baseline at the

school so you CAN truly teach the kids to pass their tests and learn the

goodness

of learning that you have to offer them. BUT, and this is a big BUT, when you

go to heaven, I promise you that Creator will be far more interested in whose

heart you saved and helped, and whose soul you stood for, than what the SAT

scores were.

As always, this is just my two cent's worth.

I saw an immense change in the culture at Columbine. But ONLY because the

adults changed, modeled that change, took huge leaps to take charge, and

insisted. It didn't take everyone, it only took a small group of dedicated

people who

refused to be swamped by the first second and third wave of naysayers.

Naysayers have had their day, and look at their result-- it is dreck. It is time

for

others to take the wheel.

Let is begin with you. If you are on the side of decency to human beings,

especially the young and the frail and the vulnerable, you are on the side of

right.

This comes with love,

ceep G-mom