Don't ask Don't Tell

[Guest guest]

I too have been open to most folks to comment about my weight loss

because I need all the support I can get. I know I am a Foodaholic

and telling friends and coworkers had helped me stay on the wagon so

to speak. I didn't discuss it before my surgery because I didn't

want negative feedback - even from folks who care about me. This is

the thought process I went through. I understood that the negative

comments they would make came from their fears for my safety but I

didn't want to cope with them. After the surgery I didn't care who

knew because there was no going back for me. I'm not ashamed of

what I did. I believe I did it for the right reasons -- I want to

live to old age in a normal condition not a nursing home and to see

my grandson grown and married, etc. I decided when I made my

decision to not look back and say what if or maybe I should have.

It's done, I'm moving on. If you're my friend you will support my

decision, if you can't support it - then maybe you are not really

someone who cares about me? I do not lie about what I did, but I

don't feel compelled to tell " everyone " either. When asked outright

if I had the surgery I generally say yes, but a few times I could

tell the person asking was just being nosey so I've been known to

respond " why do you ask? " or " how is your sex life? " or just not

respond at all (silence says alot). The asker will be so

embarrassed they won't ask you anything personal again. Don't feel

you have to answer every question asked. My point of view is that --

If I lie and they find out (which they usually do) then I am just a

liar in their eyes and someone who will lie to them about other

things too.

Cathy

[Guest guest]

Tammy,

I had surgery in July and was the same as you. I didn't want anyone

to know. Sometime there i such a stigma attached to this surgery.

It is as if you are to " lazy " and you just relly " let yourself go "

so you have to get this surgery! Those of us that have been through

the surgery know that could not be further from the truth! The

srugery is a HUGE risk with a big payoff but a HIGE lifestyle change

with a long recovery. I have had a phenomenal recovery (knock on

wood), but there are many that suffer and can even die from

complications. Now, the stigma is what didn't have me telling

anyone. I am also telling people I am just " low carb " . I think

when you hit the 40 lbs lost mark people really start to notice and

that is a little difficult for me. I can't handle the compliments

as well as I should. Telling people complicates things for me

because I feel like then people will look at me and think either I

am not losing weight fast enough or to fast or whatever! It's a

losing battle! I told a dear friend about my struggles to not want

to tell anyone, etc. after my husband had informed his boss who told

his VERY thin wife about it and they both advertised their opinion

that I was to small to get the surgery (not their decision!). At

any rate, my friend told me the following, " Cortney, why does it

matter who knows? People judged you when you were fat they will

judge you when you are thin or not thin enough or to thin or not

getting thin enough fast enough, etc? " It was my Oprah lighbulb

moment. I am still not advertising, but if people ask me outright

(it has happened twice) I tell them the truth and ask them to keep

it to themselves. My family knows and they are supportive. For the

most part, it is like this sweet little secret that is between me an

only me and I am looking better and better and people just sit and

stare and wonder. Keep your secret, tell who you love and trust

most. What an exciting time of life for all of us! Best of luck!

Cortney

258-214-142 07/14/04

> The only one in my family know about my sugery is my sister, kid

and b/f. The

> rest of my family thought I was in the hospital getting my gall

bladder which

> was true I just didnt tell them the rest. They have noticed I am

losing

> weight but I tell them I am doing Adkins which I am trying to

stick to. So really

> im not lying to them Im just not telling them everything. I had my

surgery on

> 6/23/04 starting at 287 and weighted in yesterday at 229. I dont

think there is

> anything wrong with not telling your family. My sister is my

biggest support.

> She is having the surgery approx Feb/March her insurance made her

diet for 6

> mths. We wanted to do this together. She has told everyone about

her surgery

> but has kept mine a total secret.

> Tammy In PA

> Open 6/23/04

> 287/229/135

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I on the other hand have done the exact opposite. There again, every

person is different. Everyone that I know knows I am having this

surgery. I have come across a little bit of opposition, but for the

most part they are very supportive. My friends at work are so

supportive in fact, that last night they threw me a party. They wanted

to have one last pre-surgery soiree. They toasted my tummy and wished

me the best. It was a wonderful night of sitting around and enjoying

each others company. I had a few of the questions about how it is done

and how long I will be out of work. I guess I just have the best work

friends in the world. And it helps that they are a little strange like

me. When one of our friends had a hystorectomy (sp) we went out and

toasted the passing of of uterus, when another had her thyroid taken

out we did the same for it. It is just our silly way of wishing

whomever the best and a speedy recovery. It seems that them knowing has

pulled us all a little closer together and that helps me in the support.

I am sure it was a sight to see 12 women and 1 guy sitting around

toasting my tummy. Thank God we were at a friends house and not out in

public.

So I guess it is different for everyone. I luckily have found support

as I have stepped out there. But there is nothing wrong with keeping it

quite too. Just goes to show that it can work both ways. I guess one

of the main differences might be that I am not a private person. I

don't mind sharing my whole life with those that I trust. Nothing is

taboo to talk about in my family and with my friends.

So however you decide to handle telling or not telling at least this is

one case where telling has really rallied everyone around me and are

showering me with support.

Dora in Tennessee

Open/Lap RNY 9/20/04

Vanderbilt Hospital