Guest guest Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 Some of my family has been somewhat unsure of how to hold in her casts, and they have commented on not wanting to hurt her. I just show them how to support her legs, and most of them do fine. Shelly http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/nosurgery4clubfoot/ > >Reply-To: nosurgery4clubfoot >To: nosurgery4clubfoot >Subject: Bonding? >Date: Wed, 02 Aug 2006 17:54:44 -0000 > >Has anyone else had problems with family members bonding with the new >baby because of them wearing casts or braces? I'm a little frustrated >because I've really noticed lately that the grandparents and my >husband don't really seem to be bonding with (2 1/2 months old). >My mother-in-law made the comment over the weekend that she was just >getting used to his casts and now will have to adjust to the shoes and >brace issue. It's really huring my feelings and I feel sad to think >that he's not getting the love and attention that he deserves because >he's not easy to cuddle. It doesn't stop me of course but I'm >concerned what long term effects it's going to have if I'm his sole >comforter. I've half way excused his dad because he has PTSD from >his " Iraqi experience " and subsequent medications he's been on make >him withdrawn but I'm hurting in my heart because of it. My son >deserves the best. Has anyone had similar problems with bonding >because of the clubfeet? > > > > _________________________________________________________________ FREE pop-up blocking with the new MSN Toolbar – get it now! http://toolbar.msn.click-url.com/go/onm00200415ave/direct/01/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 My husband and I have had more difficulty with our son out in public than we have had with family. Here's a story: when our son was 2-months-old (and in the middle of case-wear), he was hospitalized for bronchiolitis, a severe respiratory infection completely unrelated to the bcf. Anyways, when he received an X-ray of his chest, the person taking the X-ray asked my husband, " So, what did you do to him? " My husband calmly explained that our son was being treated for clubfeet and walked away. Our family, on the other hand, has been very supportive and it's been a huge learning curve for all of us. Good luck! > > Some of my family has been somewhat unsure of how to hold in her > casts, and they have commented on not wanting to hurt her. I just show them > how to support her legs, and most of them do fine. > > > > Shelly > > http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/nosurgery4clubfoot/ > > > > > > > > >Reply-To: nosurgery4clubfoot > >To: nosurgery4clubfoot > >Subject: Bonding? > >Date: Wed, 02 Aug 2006 17:54:44 -0000 > > > >Has anyone else had problems with family members bonding with the new > >baby because of them wearing casts or braces? I'm a little frustrated > >because I've really noticed lately that the grandparents and my > >husband don't really seem to be bonding with (2 1/2 months old). > >My mother-in-law made the comment over the weekend that she was just > >getting used to his casts and now will have to adjust to the shoes and > >brace issue. It's really huring my feelings and I feel sad to think > >that he's not getting the love and attention that he deserves because > >he's not easy to cuddle. It doesn't stop me of course but I'm > >concerned what long term effects it's going to have if I'm his sole > >comforter. I've half way excused his dad because he has PTSD from > >his " Iraqi experience " and subsequent medications he's been on make > >him withdrawn but I'm hurting in my heart because of it. My son > >deserves the best. Has anyone had similar problems with bonding > >because of the clubfeet? > > > > > > > > > > ____________________________________________________________ _____ > FREE pop-up blocking with the new MSN Toolbar – get it now! > http://toolbar.msn.click-url.com/go/onm00200415ave/direct/01/ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 Jodi, I think people bond with different babies differently. And yes, it might be harder for some people to bond with if they can't cuddle with him as much as they are used to with your dd, but I bet they will come around. I bet they will warm up as starts showing more of his personality - who could resist? Feel free to bring him on over to my house : ) I'll help you snuggle him! Seriously, if you are really having trouble with it don't be afraid to speak up, just let your family know how you are feeling, you're entitled to because you're the mamma! Also, do you have any close friends who wouldn't be hindered by casts or brace who can come visit occasionally to help give him some extra snuggling? Give that little baby some smooches from all of us too, okay? > > Has anyone else had problems with family members bonding with the new > baby because of them wearing casts or braces? I'm a little frustrated > because I've really noticed lately that the grandparents and my > husband don't really seem to be bonding with (2 1/2 months old). > My mother-in-law made the comment over the weekend that she was just > getting used to his casts and now will have to adjust to the shoes and > brace issue. It's really huring my feelings and I feel sad to think > that he's not getting the love and attention that he deserves because > he's not easy to cuddle. It doesn't stop me of course but I'm > concerned what long term effects it's going to have if I'm his sole > comforter. I've half way excused his dad because he has PTSD from > his " Iraqi experience " and subsequent medications he's been on make > him withdrawn but I'm hurting in my heart because of it. My son > deserves the best. Has anyone had similar problems with bonding > because of the clubfeet? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 This has not happen with my granddaughter, who is now 8 months old. But my own son has spina bifida, and his twin did not. All of my family back then had very little to do with my one twin, but everyone was crazy in love with other. It really hurt me, and took me YEARS to confront it with my family & close friends. Many didn't realize they were acting that way. Once it all got out in the open, things started to change, but it was down the road. I think you need to talk about it to your family & friends. Its hard enough dealing with all the things you have to go thorough, without having to deal with family & friends acting that way. Sending BIG hugs ! DeeDee http://www.deedeeortizphotography.net California Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 As mothers we all want our children to have the best. We want everyone to love them and support them. We, however, see them with a mother's eyes and love them with that mother's love. Daddy love and grandpa/grandma love is a bit different. Different people will accept birth defects in different ways. It may be that your m-in-l is still uncomfortable with the idea of a club foot or a birth defect in general. When my Tenny was born and my dh was calling people; he told my mother about the foot, but did not tell his mother. Why? Just the differences in personality and how they would accept it. When he told his mother, it was hard for her to accept. She did not like anyone talking about it. She tried to shush my other kids when they would tell friends about Tenny's cool casts. It took months for her to accept it. She did keep it to herself mostly, she just was uncomfortable holding the baby and seeing the casts. When Tenny was first in his brace, she asked if we could take it off when we go to church and such. I got the feeling it was a bit of an embarrassment that she wanted us to hide it. That was over a year ago. Today she loves Tenny the same as her other grandchildren. Treats him the same, make comments on how good his feet look, tells people all about club feet. It just took her time to digest the situation and adjust accordingly. Tenny doesn't seem to be seriously affected because of her initial hesitations. My thoughts are to just give her some time. Let her adjust to this in her own way. It sounds like she is trying, at least. The comments that are made just have to run off of you like water off a ducks back. They may prick your feelings and cause the mommy defenses to go up. Still, they are best left alone. You love your son. You see him for what he is. Eventually his grandparents will too. Chances are good that they really love the little guy; they are just unsure of how to hold him with the casts and the shoes. It does throw one out of the comfort zone. is not suffering from lack of love. He will be fine. As for daddy, give him time. Let him have chances to interact with , but be patient. Sometimes men are content to allow mom take care of the baby. My husband always says the baby doesn't get interesting until 6 months. My husband loves all of our children. He does hold them and talk to them while they are young, but I don't think that " bond " you are talking about occurs until they are older. He loves the kids, they are just my babies (clubfeet or not). Tenny, my little monkey foot boy, loves his daddy. He is now two and would spend all day everyday with dad. His dad, however, didn't take care of him when he was a baby. I did. I was the one with no sleep. I take him to all appointments and do 90% of shoe patrol. In exchange, he helps with the older kids and works many hours to provide for our zoo. He has spent many hours " bonding " with Tenny; just in ways that are not related to feet. The casts and brace didn't reduce the attention he gave to Tenny. It was a bit more awkward for him to carry Tenny. He had to adjust our comfort zone to include monkey feet and associated hardware in order to be completely comfortable. Still, I get to love the babies and turn then over to him for loving when they are a bit older. Keep on keepin' on. The journey is with it. Little feet are beautiful. Mom to Tenny and the others (looks like clowns today) Bonding? Has anyone else had problems with family members bonding with the new baby because of them wearing casts or braces? I'm a little frustrated because I've really noticed lately that the grandparents and my husband don't really seem to be bonding with (2 1/2 months old). My mother-in-law made the comment over the weekend that she was just getting used to his casts and now will have to adjust to the shoes and brace issue. It's really huring my feelings and I feel sad to think that he's not getting the love and attention that he deserves because he's not easy to cuddle. It doesn't stop me of course but I'm concerned what long term effects it's going to have if I'm his sole comforter. I've half way excused his dad because he has PTSD from his " Iraqi experience " and subsequent medications he's been on make him withdrawn but I'm hurting in my heart because of it. My son deserves the best. Has anyone had similar problems with bonding because of the clubfeet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 Nat, the way you describe your dh is just like it is here. My dh just doesn't really know what to do with a baby until it's old enough to sit up and play a little bit. Once older though, he's great wtih them! ee Visit Me On The Web For Clubfoot Information! http://www.wildliferevivaltaxidermy.com/ShawsPage.html Bonding? Has anyone else had problems with family members bonding with the new baby because of them wearing casts or braces? I'm a little frustrated because I've really noticed lately that the grandparents and my husband don't really seem to be bonding with (2 1/2 months old). My mother-in-law made the comment over the weekend that she was just getting used to his casts and now will have to adjust to the shoes and brace issue. It's really huring my feelings and I feel sad to think that he's not getting the love and attention that he deserves because he's not easy to cuddle. It doesn't stop me of course but I'm concerned what long term effects it's going to have if I'm his sole comforter. I've half way excused his dad because he has PTSD from his " Iraqi experience " and subsequent medications he's been on make him withdrawn but I'm hurting in my heart because of it. My son deserves the best. Has anyone had similar problems with bonding because of the clubfeet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 Hi, I want to extend a hug to you about all this. I've been thinking about it all day, what I might say to help you... My first suggestion is to get the other family members to look at some of the photos on this site (and other sites) profiling cf children as infants, then as children after treatment...sort of a Before and After thing. My web site listed below is just this sort of thing and that's really why I built it - to show parents cf is really not that big of a handicap. Normal kids, doing normal things despite their cf. I agree with some of the others who say perhaps the grandparent(s) are a little bit embarassed. Keep in mind the generational gap here - things were different back in their day. They might just be nervous, not sure how to react with all the changes in the so-called political-correctness of modern America, kwim? The less of a deal you make, the less they are likely to make. They might fear hurting your feelings or embarassing you by saying/doing the wrong thing. To them the cf might be like the big elephant in the room that everyone pretends doesn't exist. This isn't a story I like to tell but I will tell it for you. Eight years ago my oldest son came with bilateral clubfeet, which we were not expecting and knew nothing about. His father dealt with it rather poorly, and looking back I understand he was embarassed and I believe even insulted by the deformity. It really seemed to mess with his ego. He would have nothing to do with the poor child. By the time was 18 months old the marriage was in shambles and we were divorced. All because of clubfoot? No, not entirely, but it was a big contributing factor no less. had a non-Poneti treatment (long story), so he was 2 1/2 before he had his feet on straight again and could walk, wear shoes and look like a " Normal " child. That is when his father finally took an intrest in him. Sad, but true. I say communicate gently with your family. Treat the child as normally as you possibly can; face the treatments, casts and braces with humor. On my site you'll see me hanging laundry hanger son Everett bar. Why not? It's just a part of life, and it's OK, it's not a freak-thing, it's just a little thing we live with. Help ease your family in to seeing it with new eyes. The bar is great for diaper changes, hey, just pick up their butt with the bar! haha I hang toys from the bar too, keeps them happy some times. As for cuddlings, well it does seem a bit odd at first but with practice it gets better, so perhaps you can sort of stage situations to encourage the other family to hold him more. " Hey, can you hold him a moment while I empty the dryer? " then hand the baby over before any objections can occure and leave the room. They won't become comfortable and bond with the child unless given chance, and if they won't take that chance themselves, well, create it yourself this way. I think before long they will see the child and not the brace, until the child wins and the brace is just a back drop nobody notices anymore. Truely I think a baby can do a lot to help your dh with his depression-thing if he takes more time to interact with the child. Wishing you the best, ee Visit Me On The Web For Clubfoot Information! http://www.wildliferevivaltaxidermy.com/ShawsPage.html Bonding? Has anyone else had problems with family members bonding with the new baby because of them wearing casts or braces? I'm a little frustrated because I've really noticed lately that the grandparents and my husband don't really seem to be bonding with (2 1/2 months old). My mother-in-law made the comment over the weekend that she was just getting used to his casts and now will have to adjust to the shoes and brace issue. It's really huring my feelings and I feel sad to think that he's not getting the love and attention that he deserves because he's not easy to cuddle. It doesn't stop me of course but I'm concerned what long term effects it's going to have if I'm his sole comforter. I've half way excused his dad because he has PTSD from his " Iraqi experience " and subsequent medications he's been on make him withdrawn but I'm hurting in my heart because of it. My son deserves the best. Has anyone had similar problems with bonding because of the clubfeet? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.1.394 / Virus Database: 268.10.5/403 - Release Date: 7/28/2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 That's what I was trying to say, but as always, you said it so much better. Re: Bonding? Nat, the way you describe your dh is just like it is here. My dh just doesn't really know what to do with a baby until it's old enough to sit up and play a little bit. Once older though, he's great wtih them! ee Visit Me On The Web For Clubfoot Information! http://www.wildlife <http://www.wildliferevivaltaxidermy.com/ShawsPage.html> revivaltaxidermy.com/ShawsPage.html Bonding? Has anyone else had problems with family members bonding with the new baby because of them wearing casts or braces? I'm a little frustrated because I've really noticed lately that the grandparents and my husband don't really seem to be bonding with (2 1/2 months old). My mother-in-law made the comment over the weekend that she was just getting used to his casts and now will have to adjust to the shoes and brace issue. It's really huring my feelings and I feel sad to think that he's not getting the love and attention that he deserves because he's not easy to cuddle. It doesn't stop me of course but I'm concerned what long term effects it's going to have if I'm his sole comforter. I've half way excused his dad because he has PTSD from his " Iraqi experience " and subsequent medications he's been on make him withdrawn but I'm hurting in my heart because of it. My son deserves the best. Has anyone had similar problems with bonding because of the clubfeet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 No, but it's a comfort to me to know my dh isn't the only one to reacts to infants that way. You described it all perfectly...they are our's as babies, then we turn them over to their daddies later. Everett is a pure daddy's boy now days. ee Visit Me On The Web For Clubfoot Information! http://www.wildliferevivaltaxidermy.com/ShawsPage.html Bonding? Has anyone else had problems with family members bonding with the new baby because of them wearing casts or braces? I'm a little frustrated because I've really noticed lately that the grandparents and my husband don't really seem to be bonding with (2 1/2 months old). My mother-in-law made the comment over the weekend that she was just getting used to his casts and now will have to adjust to the shoes and brace issue. It's really huring my feelings and I feel sad to think that he's not getting the love and attention that he deserves because he's not easy to cuddle. It doesn't stop me of course but I'm concerned what long term effects it's going to have if I'm his sole comforter. I've half way excused his dad because he has PTSD from his " Iraqi experience " and subsequent medications he's been on make him withdrawn but I'm hurting in my heart because of it. My son deserves the best. Has anyone had similar problems with bonding because of the clubfeet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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