Re: My Mom (sorta long...sorry)

[Guest guest]

Dee,

I went from laughing so hard I was near tears at all the " Boob

Banter " to actually being in tears from the realness of your

situation.I too have been in your situation. All my life I was

the " good " daughter, the " good " child who never got in trouble or

caused my parents any grief. Thier only agony was worrying about my

weight. They both were very supportive of me anytime I tried to

diet, which seemed endless. I was never ever made to feel less than

perfect, no snide weight remarks, or even dirty looks. Just pure

love. When mom was diagnosed with cancer it was during my

big " " effort. I bought all the tapes and the whole

shebang. I showed them to her, she was so happy, and told me I could

do it. She supported my efforts even though she had seen me fail

more times than I can count. I was told by my aunt that Mom had

expressed to her that she worried about me and how her death would

affect me, more than any of the other kids. She was just worried

about my health and wanted me to drop the wt. I was at that time

well over 300 lbs. I know the agony you feel, thinking you are

putting that extra worry on your poor dear mother. I have been

there. I have to tell you, She loves you no less, I'm sure. I can

look back now and see that although she may have been worried about

my health, she probably was worried about each of us in her own way

for our own reasons. I think its sort of natural for terminal

patients to worry about those they are leaving behind. I will

reiterate what others have told you about going to see her. Yes, it

will be hard. I watched my mother lose her hair, lose wt, become

just a shell of her former self, and it was THE HARDEST THING I WILL

EVER DO. BUT...the only thing worse would have been to NOT see her,

NOT be there for her, and NOT have the time with her to make your

peace. You tell her how you feel, tell her your plans for your

future, and you make her proud of your efforts. You will both feel

much better and will have no regrets. Although I didnt have my

surgery for 10 yrs after my mother passed(I never even knew about

this til about a year ago)), I felt her presence with me preop, I was

not afraid, I was in fact surprisingly calm. I believe she and my

other gaurdian angels were hovering ever near. I will keep you and

your family in my prayers. I wish you peace and strength through

this difficult time.

Big Warm Sappy Hugs,

a Gossman

4/11/01 450 lbs

12/11/01 330 lbs

> Earlier this year, I found out my Mom has been

> suffering from emphyasema (sp??). >

> My brother is going to pick me up and take me Home on

> Christmas Eve. He called me tonight to discuss it and

> he told me how badly she's doing. >

> My bro warned me what she looks like. He said she's

> literally dying before his eyes and it's really

> painful just to watch. I'm so scared to go home. I

> already have panic/anxiety attacks and the thought of

> losing Mom is inconceivable. I love her so much.

>

> What really hurts is she always wanted me to be

> thinner. Healthier. When I was 7 years old, she

> pointed out a girl in our neighborhood who was

> probably about 200lbs. I still know the girl's name.

> Mom told me if I didn't watch what I ate, I'd be as

> fat as her. And I'd be as unhappy as her too.

> Well, I did so much better - I'm at 311.

>

> My Mom has supported every single diet attempt I've

> ever tried. And I've seen the pain in her eyes when

> I've failed. With the DS, I know this time I would

> have succeeded. I've tried since July to get it and

> am still fighting my insurance company. And now, it

> looks like I'm not going to get it in time for Mom.

> I've dreamed about the look on her face when she saw a

> thinner me - the pride, the happiness, the knowledge

> that I'm going to be okay. (She worries about me

> alot). I know now that I won't see that look. My

> father used to beg me to lose weight and he died when

> I was about 250 lbs. I thought I had enough time with

> Mom but it looks like I don't.

>

> I feel so lost. I wanted her to be proud of me, not

> disappointed. I'm out of time. I don't know what to

> do. I can't stop crying. I don't want to outlive

> her. I can't imagine life without her. She's my

> touchstone.

>

> Thanks for letting me vent.

>

> dee

>

> =====

> Dee

> Denied; Working on Appeal

> 311/Want to be 135

>

> __________________________________________________

>