Re: Need ADVICE on boyfriend....URGENT

[Guest guest]

AJ,

My advice is do not lie to him. You know that's something you hate. Tell him

what you did and ask for an explanation. He has a right to be mad at you, and

you have a right to know he can be trusted. Now is the time to test your

relationship. If it's a good one, you'll work this out. Just don't blindly

ignore your instincts. That's how you can get hurt. Best of luck to you.

Jackie

[Guest guest]

AJ,

My advice is do not lie to him. You know that's something you hate. Tell

him what you did and ask for an explanation. He has a right to be mad at

you, and you have a right to know he can be trusted. Now is the time to test

your relationship. If it's a good one, you'll work this out. Just don't

blindly ignore your instincts. That's how you can get hurt. Best of luck to

you.

Jackie Ward

" God bless America! Land that I love "

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 11/16/2001 3:49:08 PM Pacific Standard Time,

aimtall@... writes:

> Whatever the case, do confront him with it, as, if he's having

> difficulties doing Christmas for his kids (and if I recall, he's on

> disability and not working) he really has no place gambling.

> Whatever his reasons, IF it makes you uncomfortable, then you need to

> talk about it and then come to your own conclusions as to tolerating

> an issue such as this.

>

Good point...you've all really helped... I have so many of my own issues

relating to trust and security...I just didn't want to go off and address

this incorrectly. He's not doing anything wrong at this point other than not

mentioning it...but I am going to try to talk about it. I'm very bad on

confrontations so as we are talking this weekend, and we already did abit on

the phone earlier, I will ease it in and see what he says. I am so glad I

didnt just react...while there is no excuse when he's short on money (yes hes

trying to go on disability, he's on L & I at the moment) if its a problem or

just a stupid move he made...maybe it will help build our relationship that

we can talk about anything and I'll give him a chance to respond. On the

other hand, it may show me that I need to end it because I have enough issues

right now with my rapid weight loss ect...I dont need more to deal with.

Thank you all for answering...its given me alot to think about and really

helped me calm down!@

~*~ AJ ~*~

Age 37 5'8'' Post op 7/24/01 Open DS

self pay - Dr Baltasar -Alcoy Spain

07/24/01 BMI 64 415.1

08/24/01 BMI 58 386.5 -28.6 lbs!

09/24/01 BMI 55.8 367.1 -48.0 lbs! -37.75 inches

10/24/01 BMI 52.6 346.0 -69.1 lbs!

11/14/01 BMI 50.8 334.0 -81.1lbs! -66 inches

My profile:

http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=E982002956

My websites:

www.wls4aj.homestead.com

www.wlsbellingham.homestead.com

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 11/16/2001 4:03:07 PM Pacific Standard Time,

jhensel@... writes:

> Better now than

> if you got married and this became a problem!

>

True...I guess that is why it upset me...I want to have an open hand when

making life commitments....like tying my heart up with this guy.

~*~ AJ ~*~

Age 37 5'8'' Post op 7/24/01 Open DS

self pay - Dr Baltasar -Alcoy Spain

07/24/01 BMI 64 415.1

08/24/01 BMI 58 386.5 -28.6 lbs!

09/24/01 BMI 55.8 367.1 -48.0 lbs! -37.75 inches

10/24/01 BMI 52.6 346.0 -69.1 lbs!

11/14/01 BMI 50.8 334.0 -81.1lbs! -66 inches

My profile:

http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=E982002956

My websites:

www.wls4aj.homestead.com

www.wlsbellingham.homestead.com

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 11/16/2001 4:24:50 PM Pacific Standard Time,

mprinz@... writes:

> but some people feel its

> important to have some discretionary money to play with. In any event,

> it's

> would be wise to bring the issue up just to get his prospective. Then

> you'll need to decide if your views about finances are compatible.

>

Thanks...that gives me more angles to consider. As I said I'm going to talk

to him at some point this weekend now that I'm mellow again . I dont want to

accuse, I want to find out the situation and go from there. It may not be

what it looks like or it might but I think in the event of continuing our

relationship it has to be in the open. I want this to work so I have to step

up and be honest to give it that chance. If he does also then I'll know alot

about him...if not, then I'll have to be prepared to make the right choice

for myself.

Thanks!!

~*~ AJ ~*~

Age 37 5'8'' Post op 7/24/01 Open DS

self pay - Dr Baltasar -Alcoy Spain

07/24/01 BMI 64 415.1

08/24/01 BMI 58 386.5 -28.6 lbs!

09/24/01 BMI 55.8 367.1 -48.0 lbs! -37.75 inches

10/24/01 BMI 52.6 346.0 -69.1 lbs!

11/14/01 BMI 50.8 334.0 -81.1lbs! -66 inches

My profile:

http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=E982002956

My websites:

www.wls4aj.homestead.com

www.wlsbellingham.homestead.com

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 11/16/01 9:37:04 PM, duodenalswitch writes:

<< You are a woman who is blessed with this gift of women's intuition.

Perhaps this is telling you something.

Whatever the case, do confront him with it, as, if he's having

difficulties doing Christmas for his kids (and if I recall, he's on

disability and not working) he really has no place gambling.

Whatever his reasons, IF it makes you uncomfortable, then you need to

talk about it and then come to your own conclusions as to tolerating

an issue such as this.

>>

AJ: A note about intuition... there were some things that occured before my

husband was my husband. I chose to confront but didn't notice a pattern that

kept occuring. I just handled each occurance at a time and blinded myself to

the fact that there has been a history of such deception until a much later

date (and, my point is that it is MUCH worse to deal with by then).

I'm NOT saying your boyfriend will have a negative pattern at all --- Just

agreeing that you DO follow your guts on this and intuition. I had intuition

but let things compile (even though they were addressed at the time)... Now

it's been almost 7 years and two kids later. The problems DO NOT go away but

get much more complicated.

So, I think your approach is great --- Try not to confront or accuse, keep an

open mind and hopefully he will be honest and straightforward about things.

If not, then you will take this information and see how you feel about it....

I wish you the best!

lap ds with gallbladder removal

January 25, 2001

Dr. Gagner/Mt. Sinai/NYC

nine months post-op and still feelin' fabu

preop: 307 lbs/bmik 45

now: 201/size sweet 16/large in normal people's clothing! yahoo!

[Guest guest]

At 5:01 PM -0500 11/16/01, lookn2bthin@... wrote:

>...

>My question is do I confront him?

There is no turning back, AJ. You have to confront the issue with him.

>Ask if we can go to the casino and see

>what the reaction is?

No, that's sneaky. You are not sneaky.

>Forget it for now after all i'm not his wife and I

>dont have any say in what he does.

How can you forget something which shakes your faith in this guy?

> I am upset when he tells his kids he cant

>do much for them for xmas and then see he blew 160 bucks...of course he might

>have made money on it but i dont think so.

>

>Please help me.....I really like him but I can't afford to get hurt again and

>lying is the worst thing someone can do.

>

Then, you have to be able to face the truth yourself.

Suggestion: Tell him that you innocently viewed his credit card info

after you looked at your own--mainly out of curiosity to see if it

worked. Then you noticed the casino info. This upset you, even

though you realized that you were jumping to conclusions. But, wrong

or right of you to have done so, now you need to know why he made

charges totalling $260 to the casino. Be prepared for a non-answer,

an evasive answer, or a truthful answer. Figure out ahead of time

what you will do in each eventuality, and DO IT! The third outcome,

the truthful answer, might have several possibilities: he gambled; he

charged the money, but for non-gambling purposes (like getting money

from an ATM, or putting down a deposit for his work Xmas party, or

whatever).

Good luck, AJ. Remember, if this guy is a loser, you don't need any

losers in your life; you're too damned good for that. But if the

truth comes out, and the truth meets your criteria of acceptability,

then your relationship will have withstood its first real test, and

you can move on with it.

Best,

Steve

--

[Guest guest]

I must be missing AJ's origional post on this.......can someone post it for

me?

Judie

[Guest guest]

AJ,

I don't think you maliciously snooped into his business...and URLs

recently searched do stay in the address pull down. This having been

said...

You are a woman who is blessed with this gift of women's intuition.

Perhaps this is telling you something.

Whatever the case, do confront him with it, as, if he's having

difficulties doing Christmas for his kids (and if I recall, he's on

disability and not working) he really has no place gambling.

Whatever his reasons, IF it makes you uncomfortable, then you need to

talk about it and then come to your own conclusions as to tolerating

an issue such as this.

Good luck!

Amy

[Guest guest]

AJ,

For some reason I didnt get your origonal email about this so Im going

blindly by what others have said.......

I have a friend who is a christian and he has a terrible gambling habit

which started online and eventually ended up with him going to casinos or

playing cards for money and twice has ended up in the hole and last time had

to seek help not just monetarily but mentally as well! So if your

relationship means alot to you and the gambling makes you feel uncomfortable

then its something that must be brought out and discussed. Better now than

if you got married and this became a problem!

hugs, Judie

[Guest guest]

AJ,

Just another point to consideration, if he has given you the info to be able

to view his credit card transactions online, it would appear that he's not

trying to keep things like this too secretive. As one who has been married

and divorced (from a banker) I know that many people have very differing

views on money and financial responsibilities and priorities. I'm not

suggesting that I believe that it's a good idea to spend one's money on

gambling when you have other financial pressures, but some people feel its

important to have some discretionary money to play with. In any event, it's

would be wise to bring the issue up just to get his prospective. Then

you'll need to decide if your views about finances are compatible.

I hope this is helpful.

ann

Need ADVICE on boyfriend....URGENT

a week or so ago my boyfriend and i set up one of his credit cards to view

online and he told me the information. I was looking at my account and

looked at his..not really for any reason...probably just curious I dont

know...maybe to snoop...although I dont think it was that. I probably am

completely in the wrong here to start with for which I feel bad but ...

he had 3 charges for 260 dollars to Casinocash 5048 Mt Baker...thats a road

here and actually is a casino. The two dates were the 13th and the 6th. I

know he was with me on the 13th evening but also had called him during the

day on the cell phone and he didnt answer. Anyhow...I just wonder what to

do. i was wrong to be checking up on him but now i question everything he

says or does.

My question is do I confront him? Ask if we can go to the casino and see

what the reaction is? Forget it for now after all i'm not his wife and I

dont have any say in what he does. I am upset when he tells his kids he

cant

do much for them for xmas and then see he blew 160 bucks...of course he

might

have made money on it but i dont think so.

Please help me.....I really like him but I can't afford to get hurt again

and

lying is the worst thing someone can do.

~*~ AJ ~*~

Age 37 5'8'' Post op 7/24/01 Open DS

self pay - Dr Baltasar -Alcoy Spain

07/24/01 BMI 64 415.1

08/24/01 BMI 58 386.5 -28.6 lbs!

09/24/01 BMI 55.8 367.1 -48.0 lbs! -37.75 inches

10/24/01 BMI 52.6 346.0 -69.1 lbs!

11/14/01 BMI 50.8 334.0 -81.1lbs! -66 inches

My profile:

http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=E982002956

My websites:

www.wls4aj.homestead.com

www.wlsbellingham.homestead.com

[Guest guest]

Aj,

I have the utmost faith in you to do what is right......dont worry about

anything....take it one step at a time!

Hugs, Judie

[Guest guest]

In my opinion, there is nothing you can do, but confront the issue.

It is obviously bothering you, and you will not let go of this until

you know. If he is less than truthful, then you have an additional

problem on your hands. You have a right to know what you are getting

into.

I had a similar situation, when I ran across my boyfriend at the

time, journals. Something felt weird in the relationship, I had 2

kids to be concerned about, and so I read them. I am glad I did! We

worked out my indiscretion about me reading them, and we worked ON

what I found out in the journals about him.

Good luck! But, now that you know, don't crawl in a hole! Talk to

him.

Patti

> a week or so ago my boyfriend and i set up one of his credit cards

to view

> online and he told me the information. I was looking at my account

and

> looked at his..not really for any reason...probably just curious I

dont

> know...maybe to snoop...although I dont think it was that. I

probably am

> completely in the wrong here to start with for which I feel bad

but ...

>

> he had 3 charges for 260 dollars to Casinocash 5048 Mt

Baker...thats a road

> here and actually is a casino. The two dates were the 13th and the

6th. I

> know he was with me on the 13th evening but also had called him

during the

> day on the cell phone and he didnt answer. Anyhow...I just wonder

what to

> do. i was wrong to be checking up on him but now i question

everything he

> says or does.

>

> My question is do I confront him? Ask if we can go to the casino

and see

> what the reaction is? Forget it for now after all i'm not his wife

and I

> dont have any say in what he does. I am upset when he tells his

kids he cant

> do much for them for xmas and then see he blew 160 bucks...of

course he might

> have made money on it but i dont think so.

>

> Please help me.....I really like him but I can't afford to get hurt

again and

> lying is the worst thing someone can do.

>

> ~*~ AJ ~*~

> Age 37 5'8'' Post op 7/24/01 Open DS

> self pay - Dr Baltasar -Alcoy Spain

> 07/24/01 BMI 64 415.1

> 08/24/01 BMI 58 386.5 -28.6 lbs!

> 09/24/01 BMI 55.8 367.1 -48.0 lbs! -37.75 inches

> 10/24/01 BMI 52.6 346.0 -69.1 lbs!

> 11/14/01 BMI 50.8 334.0 -81.1lbs! -66 inches

> My profile:

> http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=E982002956

> My websites:

> www.wls4aj.homestead.com

> www.wlsbellingham.homestead.com

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hmmm...tough one. Compulsive gambling is *awful*. The sneakiest thing (but

probably most accurate) t hing to do would be to watch for more charges and

try to link them to times that he told you he was doing something else. If

he's lying about gambling to you, then it's time to dump him like a bad

habit. Or...it could be harmless... spending $260 on gambling and crying

broke is odd, though.

~alyssa

Need ADVICE on boyfriend....URGENT

> a week or so ago my boyfriend and i set up one of his credit cards to view

> online and he told me the information. I was looking at my account and

> looked at his..not really for any reason...probably just curious I dont

> know...maybe to snoop...although I dont think it was that. I probably am

> completely in the wrong here to start with for which I feel bad but ...

>

> he had 3 charges for 260 dollars to Casinocash 5048 Mt Baker...thats a

road

> here and actually is a casino. The two dates were the 13th and the 6th.

I

> know he was with me on the 13th evening but also had called him during the

> day on the cell phone and he didnt answer. Anyhow...I just wonder what to

> do. i was wrong to be checking up on him but now i question everything he

> says or does.

>

> My question is do I confront him? Ask if we can go to the casino and see

> what the reaction is? Forget it for now after all i'm not his wife and I

> dont have any say in what he does. I am upset when he tells his kids he

cant

> do much for them for xmas and then see he blew 160 bucks...of course he

might

> have made money on it but i dont think so.