My Mom

[Guest guest]

Earlier this year, I found out my Mom has been

suffering from emphyasema (sp??). She's had it for

several years but didn't want to worry the family

about it. She retired a few months ago having made it

to 65. Since I'm unable to drive to see her (she's

about 30 miles away), she was going to drive to me

after retiring. However, there's always been a reason

why she hasn't been able to so the last time I saw her

was Christmas of last year.

My brother is going to pick me up and take me Home on

Christmas Eve. He called me tonight to discuss it and

he told me how badly she's doing. I knew she had

bronchitis but thought she was getting better. She's

not. My bro said she is utterly exhausted just

walking up the 8 stairs to the bathroom. She's

sleeping downstairs on the couch because she just

can't make it up two flights of stairs. Also, she

needs to prop herself up to a sitting position to be

able to sleep/breathe and it's easier to do it on the

couch. It turns out she's been doing this long before

getting the bronchitis.

My bro warned me what she looks like. He said she's

literally dying before his eyes and it's really

painful just to watch. I'm so scared to go home. I

already have panic/anxiety attacks and the thought of

losing Mom is inconceivable. I love her so much.

What really hurts is she always wanted me to be

thinner. Healthier. When I was 7 years old, she

pointed out a girl in our neighborhood who was

probably about 200lbs. I still know the girl's name.

Mom told me if I didn't watch what I ate, I'd be as

fat as her. And I'd be as unhappy as her too.

Well, I did so much better - I'm at 311.

My Mom has supported every single diet attempt I've

ever tried. And I've seen the pain in her eyes when

I've failed. With the DS, I know this time I would

have succeeded. I've tried since July to get it and

am still fighting my insurance company. And now, it

looks like I'm not going to get it in time for Mom.

I've dreamed about the look on her face when she saw a

thinner me - the pride, the happiness, the knowledge

that I'm going to be okay. (She worries about me

alot). I know now that I won't see that look. My

father used to beg me to lose weight and he died when

I was about 250 lbs. I thought I had enough time with

Mom but it looks like I don't.

I feel so lost. I wanted her to be proud of me, not

disappointed. I'm out of time. I don't know what to

do. I can't stop crying. I don't want to outlive

her. I can't imagine life without her. She's my

touchstone.

Thanks for letting me vent.

dee

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Dee

Denied; Working on Appeal

311/Want to be 135

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