Re: Re: CHAT: Ditto Sheldon, and I am a woman

[Guest guest]

Thanks so mucc for sharing, ! It is such a good reminder of how

healthy communication can make a big difference in our lives!!!

Inga

At 04:36 PM 10/5/2005 +0000, you wrote:

>I know we are all " chatting " here. I had to ditto Sheldon. My

>husband and I, in 14 years of marriage, have definitely had ups and

>downs. The last couple of months were tough, and on this vacation,

>I learned a LOT. Prior, I had so much resentment built up because

>he seemed to never help out a lot around the house. I felt like I

>was working 7am to 10pm. Resentment made me angry around him. I

>am telling you all, and this is personal, but before we left on this

>vacation, I definitely had many times where I thought it would be a

>whole lot easier if we weren't in the same house together.

>

>On this vacation (first time in 3 years, part of the problem) -- In

>talking with him, I mean really talking with no prior fight (get

>someone to watch your kids for 30 minutes, go outside on a blanket

>under a blue sky and talk) -- I learned a lot from his side.

>

>How hard it is for him to walk in the door after a long day at work,

>and he is so excited to see us, and I hit him with negative stuff.

>From his mind, it was like " why come home? " He also nailed me on

>the fact that I overcommit for a lot of volunteer stuff, and so a

>lot of the time the reason I am working on household chores until

>10pm is that I spent several hours that day on volunteer stuff. He

>suggested that if I built more little blocks of time in for myself

>(even it is putting classical music on and reading a book for 15

>minutes) that I might feel better about myself and our family.

>

>We talked about what was important for each of us. I wanted to have

>more family time each night (hard with 4 soccer practices from 5-

>6pm). He wanted more couple time, even if we are sitting in the

>same room each paying bills, just chatting. I tend to " veg " in

>front of the television while paying bills, folding laundry, etc.

>He also wanted more home cooked meals and not take out all the time;

>but he agreed that I don't like cooking so if I stick to the basics,

>or crock-pot, he can not complain. He agreed to rate the recipes on

>a scale of 1-10 and anything below a 6, we won't try again.

>

>So how is it going? Definitely better than before. I have cooked 7

>of 9 nights but the other 2 were still take-out and we all have sat

>down each night, even if it is 7pm and the kids still go to bed at

>8pm. I hold the kids off with carrots, and try to give them a

>minimeal at 4:30pm before practice. I try to smile and give him a

>hug when he comes in the door. I picked two " TV " nights and tape

>any random show that is on another night. And I have found that a

>lot of the shows I watched, I really did just because they were

>on.... Steve now sits and watches the shows with me. And the other

>nights, we hang. I try and only do MAGIC work on Tuesday and

>Thursday, and focus on family errands the other days.

>

>But the biggest difference is that as I found that I let go of my

>resentment? The lightbulbs got changed. The garbage got taken

>out. And my husband started hugging me at random times again.

>

>Now, this is not to say everything is hunky dory all the time. He

>is a Leo -- and in his mind, always right. But I realized, most

>importantly, that I was truly the thermostat of the family. If I am

>calm, and happy, than even if my husband is upset or a kid is

>screaming, the family stays pretty even keel. Does that make

>sense? I used to think that my husband was the emotional barometer

>of the family. But really, it is me! If I am calm and happy, then

>whatever happens in the family can be managed. Wow.

>

>Guess that may not be the same in every family. And I can't believe

>I just wrote all this personal information!!!!

>

>I realize that my situation is not the same as others. Some of you

>are single parents; some of you are married and both working outside

>the home, with one parent doing 40 hours of work and then taking on

>most of the housework as well.

>

>Now, do I hit the send button and share my deepest feelings with all

>of you, or delete all of this.... Hmmmm. Promise me that no one

>will beat me up on this email contents?

>

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>> Ok all you ladies out there. I am almost afraid to write on here.

>But just stop and take a deep breath for a minute. I am a Man and i

>just had to respond. Please do not take it out on all Men. There are

>alot of good one's to. Maybe you all should get divorced move to ND

>and find a good German or Norwegian Man. We know how to take good

>care of our ladies. Now i suppose i will get bombarded by all the

>men. If thats the case i just moved to Ohio. No seriously for those

>of you that have no help from your spouses i feel sorry for you.

>This is alot of work and for one person to do it on her own i just

>can't imagine. I see what my Daughter goes thru and man my

>heart goes out to each and everyone of you. I won't say nothing else

>because i don't want to get into trouble with either gender. But

>just work together.

>> Love to you all

>> Sheldon(G-Pa to my angel Laikyn RSS from North dakota)

>> Home of the Largest Walleye

>> The man's voice.....

>>

>>

>> ,

>>

>> I'm not too happy with that man's voice this morning. I'm

>referring

>> to my husband. Whenever things around here get a bit stressed,

>and

>> I'd say that the stress level in the Zwain household is a bit

>high,

>> he just retreats into his shell and little gets done on his

>part.

>> He plays solitaire and poker on his laptop and just spaces out.

>> Even my kids notice it and last night were telling him to stop

>with

>> the computer and pay attention to them and a show they were

>watching

>> together.

>>

>> I guess my stress level is so high, I'm working fulltime, I'm

>the

>> one calling the doctors and taking Max to the appts., I'm trying

>to

>> hold onto my Orton Gillingham scholarship (they agreed to defer

>it

>> for a couple of weeks until we get Max straightened out) and

>I've

>> been cooking like crazy for Rosh Hashanah today. Meanwhile,

>

>> just eats what I cook, plays on the computer and goes to bed.

>>

>> I did not even mention the laundry I have done, the kitchen I

>just

>> cleaned up (I got rid of a lot of clutter in there - it's too

>small

>> for clutter).... I'm at wit's end and all he did was say he's

>had

>> it and then he left a bit earlier to pick up his dad to go to

>> services with him.

>>

>> UGH! In my next life, I want to be a man.

>>

>> Jodi Z

>>

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