Re: CHAT: Ditto Sheldon, and I am a woman

October 5, 2005

I know we are all " chatting " here. I had to ditto Sheldon. My

husband and I, in 14 years of marriage, have definitely had ups and

downs. The last couple of months were tough, and on this vacation,

I learned a LOT. Prior, I had so much resentment built up because

he seemed to never help out a lot around the house. I felt like I

was working 7am to 10pm. Resentment made me angry around him. I

am telling you all, and this is personal, but before we left on this

vacation, I definitely had many times where I thought it would be a

whole lot easier if we weren't in the same house together.

On this vacation (first time in 3 years, part of the problem) -- In

talking with him, I mean really talking with no prior fight (get

someone to watch your kids for 30 minutes, go outside on a blanket

under a blue sky and talk) -- I learned a lot from his side.

How hard it is for him to walk in the door after a long day at work,

and he is so excited to see us, and I hit him with negative stuff.

From his mind, it was like " why come home? " He also nailed me on

the fact that I overcommit for a lot of volunteer stuff, and so a

lot of the time the reason I am working on household chores until

10pm is that I spent several hours that day on volunteer stuff. He

suggested that if I built more little blocks of time in for myself

(even it is putting classical music on and reading a book for 15

minutes) that I might feel better about myself and our family.

We talked about what was important for each of us. I wanted to have

more family time each night (hard with 4 soccer practices from 5-

6pm). He wanted more couple time, even if we are sitting in the

same room each paying bills, just chatting. I tend to " veg " in

front of the television while paying bills, folding laundry, etc.

He also wanted more home cooked meals and not take out all the time;

but he agreed that I don't like cooking so if I stick to the basics,

or crock-pot, he can not complain. He agreed to rate the recipes on

a scale of 1-10 and anything below a 6, we won't try again.

So how is it going? Definitely better than before. I have cooked 7

of 9 nights but the other 2 were still take-out and we all have sat

down each night, even if it is 7pm and the kids still go to bed at

8pm. I hold the kids off with carrots, and try to give them a

minimeal at 4:30pm before practice. I try to smile and give him a

hug when he comes in the door. I picked two " TV " nights and tape

any random show that is on another night. And I have found that a

lot of the shows I watched, I really did just because they were

on.... Steve now sits and watches the shows with me. And the other

nights, we hang. I try and only do MAGIC work on Tuesday and

Thursday, and focus on family errands the other days.

But the biggest difference is that as I found that I let go of my

resentment? The lightbulbs got changed. The garbage got taken

out. And my husband started hugging me at random times again.

Now, this is not to say everything is hunky dory all the time. He

is a Leo -- and in his mind, always right. But I realized, most

importantly, that I was truly the thermostat of the family. If I am

calm, and happy, than even if my husband is upset or a kid is

screaming, the family stays pretty even keel. Does that make

sense? I used to think that my husband was the emotional barometer

of the family. But really, it is me! If I am calm and happy, then

whatever happens in the family can be managed. Wow.

Guess that may not be the same in every family. And I can't believe

I just wrote all this personal information!!!!

I realize that my situation is not the same as others. Some of you

are single parents; some of you are married and both working outside

the home, with one parent doing 40 hours of work and then taking on

most of the housework as well.

Now, do I hit the send button and share my deepest feelings with all

of you, or delete all of this.... Hmmmm. Promise me that no one

will beat me up on this email contents?

> Ok all you ladies out there. I am almost afraid to write on here.

But just stop and take a deep breath for a minute. I am a Man and i

just had to respond. Please do not take it out on all Men. There are

alot of good one's to. Maybe you all should get divorced move to ND

and find a good German or Norwegian Man. We know how to take good

care of our ladies. Now i suppose i will get bombarded by all the

men. If thats the case i just moved to Ohio. No seriously for those

of you that have no help from your spouses i feel sorry for you.

This is alot of work and for one person to do it on her own i just

can't imagine. I see what my Daughter goes thru and man my

heart goes out to each and everyone of you. I won't say nothing else

because i don't want to get into trouble with either gender. But

just work together.

> Love to you all

> Sheldon(G-Pa to my angel Laikyn RSS from North dakota)

> Home of the Largest Walleye

> The man's voice.....

>

> ,

>

> I'm not too happy with that man's voice this morning. I'm

referring

> to my husband. Whenever things around here get a bit stressed,

and

> I'd say that the stress level in the Zwain household is a bit

high,

> he just retreats into his shell and little gets done on his

part.

> He plays solitaire and poker on his laptop and just spaces out.

> Even my kids notice it and last night were telling him to stop

with

> the computer and pay attention to them and a show they were

watching

> together.

>

> I guess my stress level is so high, I'm working fulltime, I'm

the

> one calling the doctors and taking Max to the appts., I'm trying

to

> hold onto my Orton Gillingham scholarship (they agreed to defer

it

> for a couple of weeks until we get Max straightened out) and

I've

> been cooking like crazy for Rosh Hashanah today. Meanwhile,

> just eats what I cook, plays on the computer and goes to bed.

>

> I did not even mention the laundry I have done, the kitchen I

just

> cleaned up (I got rid of a lot of clutter in there - it's too

small

> for clutter).... I'm at wit's end and all he did was say he's

had

> it and then he left a bit earlier to pick up his dad to go to

> services with him.

>

> UGH! In my next life, I want to be a man.

>

> Jodi Z

>

October 5, 2005

Jen - comments? What can I say - but, it was extremely a beautiful

story that I'm sure will help others reflect on their own

situations - but, it was also beautiful because it hopefully reminds

those that may be having difficulties that there is " hope " . As I've

said - taking time for yourself as you need to do, spending alone

time with the dh and considering his side as well - definately keeps

things moving in a positive direction. Kudos to you for such a

wonderful story and sharing such details - you can't imagine the

benefit it can have on others. I'm very happy you had the chance to

be with your husband and reflect with each other. -

My dh and I have been married for 9 years. Our 7th and 8th were the

worst - but, we have come full circle to where we were when we first

got married. So, I can relate to the difficult times.

Thank you for sharing your personal story. It's much appreciated.

- H

-- In RSS-Support , " Brock " <magicrss@m...>

wrote:

> I know we are all " chatting " here. I had to ditto Sheldon. My

> husband and I, in 14 years of marriage, have definitely had ups

and

> downs. The last couple of months were tough, and on this

vacation,

> I learned a LOT. Prior, I had so much resentment built up because

> he seemed to never help out a lot around the house. I felt like I

> was working 7am to 10pm. Resentment made me angry around him. I

> am telling you all, and this is personal, but before we left on

this

> vacation, I definitely had many times where I thought it would be

a

> whole lot easier if we weren't in the same house together.

>

> On this vacation (first time in 3 years, part of the problem) --

In

> talking with him, I mean really talking with no prior fight (get

> someone to watch your kids for 30 minutes, go outside on a blanket

> under a blue sky and talk) -- I learned a lot from his side.

>

> How hard it is for him to walk in the door after a long day at

work,

> and he is so excited to see us, and I hit him with negative

stuff.

> From his mind, it was like " why come home? " He also nailed me on

> the fact that I overcommit for a lot of volunteer stuff, and so a

> lot of the time the reason I am working on household chores until

> 10pm is that I spent several hours that day on volunteer stuff.

He

> suggested that if I built more little blocks of time in for myself

> (even it is putting classical music on and reading a book for 15

> minutes) that I might feel better about myself and our family.

>

> We talked about what was important for each of us. I wanted to

have

> more family time each night (hard with 4 soccer practices from 5-

> 6pm). He wanted more couple time, even if we are sitting in the

> same room each paying bills, just chatting. I tend to " veg " in

> front of the television while paying bills, folding laundry, etc.

> He also wanted more home cooked meals and not take out all the

time;

> but he agreed that I don't like cooking so if I stick to the

basics,

> or crock-pot, he can not complain. He agreed to rate the recipes

on

> a scale of 1-10 and anything below a 6, we won't try again.

>

> So how is it going? Definitely better than before. I have cooked

7

> of 9 nights but the other 2 were still take-out and we all have

sat

> down each night, even if it is 7pm and the kids still go to bed at

> 8pm. I hold the kids off with carrots, and try to give them a

> minimeal at 4:30pm before practice. I try to smile and give him a

> hug when he comes in the door. I picked two " TV " nights and tape

> any random show that is on another night. And I have found that a

> lot of the shows I watched, I really did just because they were

> on.... Steve now sits and watches the shows with me. And the

other

> nights, we hang. I try and only do MAGIC work on Tuesday and

> Thursday, and focus on family errands the other days.

>

> But the biggest difference is that as I found that I let go of my

> resentment? The lightbulbs got changed. The garbage got taken

> out. And my husband started hugging me at random times again.

>

> Now, this is not to say everything is hunky dory all the time. He

> is a Leo -- and in his mind, always right. But I realized, most

> importantly, that I was truly the thermostat of the family. If I

am

> calm, and happy, than even if my husband is upset or a kid is

> screaming, the family stays pretty even keel. Does that make

> sense? I used to think that my husband was the emotional

barometer

> of the family. But really, it is me! If I am calm and happy,

then

> whatever happens in the family can be managed. Wow.

>

> Guess that may not be the same in every family. And I can't

believe

> I just wrote all this personal information!!!!

>

> I realize that my situation is not the same as others. Some of

you

> are single parents; some of you are married and both working

outside

> the home, with one parent doing 40 hours of work and then taking

on

> most of the housework as well.

>

> Now, do I hit the send button and share my deepest feelings with

all

> of you, or delete all of this.... Hmmmm. Promise me that no one

> will beat me up on this email contents?

>

> > Ok all you ladies out there. I am almost afraid to write on

here.

> But just stop and take a deep breath for a minute. I am a Man and

i

> just had to respond. Please do not take it out on all Men. There

are

> alot of good one's to. Maybe you all should get divorced move to

ND

> and find a good German or Norwegian Man. We know how to take good

> care of our ladies. Now i suppose i will get bombarded by all the

> men. If thats the case i just moved to Ohio. No seriously for

those

> of you that have no help from your spouses i feel sorry for you.

> This is alot of work and for one person to do it on her own i just

> can't imagine. I see what my Daughter goes thru and man my

> heart goes out to each and everyone of you. I won't say nothing

else

> because i don't want to get into trouble with either gender. But

> just work together.

> > Love to you all

> > Sheldon(G-Pa to my angel Laikyn RSS from North dakota)

> > Home of the Largest Walleye

> > The man's voice.....

> >

> > ,

> >

> > I'm not too happy with that man's voice this morning. I'm

> referring

> > to my husband. Whenever things around here get a bit

stressed,

> and

> > I'd say that the stress level in the Zwain household is a bit

> high,

> > he just retreats into his shell and little gets done on his

> part.

> > He plays solitaire and poker on his laptop and just spaces

out.

> > Even my kids notice it and last night were telling him to stop

> with

> > the computer and pay attention to them and a show they were

> watching

> > together.

> >

> > I guess my stress level is so high, I'm working fulltime, I'm

> the

> > one calling the doctors and taking Max to the appts., I'm

trying

> to

> > hold onto my Orton Gillingham scholarship (they agreed to

defer

> it

> > for a couple of weeks until we get Max straightened out) and

> I've

> > been cooking like crazy for Rosh Hashanah today. Meanwhile,

>

> > just eats what I cook, plays on the computer and goes to bed.

> >

> > I did not even mention the laundry I have done, the kitchen I

> just

> > cleaned up (I got rid of a lot of clutter in there - it's too

> small

> > for clutter).... I'm at wit's end and all he did was say he's

> had

> > it and then he left a bit earlier to pick up his dad to go to

> > services with him.

> >

> > UGH! In my next life, I want to be a man.

> >

> > Jodi Z

> >

October 5, 2005

I have been saying this alot but when it fits you have to use it ...

THANK YOU ! I am glad that you hit the send and not cancel!

I can see alot of our lives in what you said ... it's funny just last

night Geordie mentioned that sometimes it's easier just to stay at

work (he was talking about the noise level that our house sometimes

reaches with four kids and a dog running around yelling, barking etc

but same gest). He has been working a lot lately and long days ... I

also don't care to cook much, especially if it's big prep (we'll have

to exchange some easy recipes) and have been spending alot of time in

front of this computer (I'm a little obsessed with RSS and this

support list right now).

Dawna

> > Ok all you ladies out there. I am almost afraid to write on here.

> But just stop and take a deep breath for a minute. I am a Man and i

> just had to respond. Please do not take it out on all Men. There

are

> alot of good one's to. Maybe you all should get divorced move to ND

> and find a good German or Norwegian Man. We know how to take good

> care of our ladies. Now i suppose i will get bombarded by all the

> men. If thats the case i just moved to Ohio. No seriously for those

> of you that have no help from your spouses i feel sorry for you.

> This is alot of work and for one person to do it on her own i just

> can't imagine. I see what my Daughter goes thru and man my

> heart goes out to each and everyone of you. I won't say nothing

else

> because i don't want to get into trouble with either gender. But

> just work together.

> > Love to you all

> > Sheldon(G-Pa to my angel Laikyn RSS from North dakota)

> > Home of the Largest Walleye

> > The man's voice.....

> >

> > ,

> >

> > I'm not too happy with that man's voice this morning. I'm

> referring

> > to my husband. Whenever things around here get a bit stressed,

> and

> > I'd say that the stress level in the Zwain household is a bit

> high,

> > he just retreats into his shell and little gets done on his

> part.

> > He plays solitaire and poker on his laptop and just spaces

out.

> > Even my kids notice it and last night were telling him to stop

> with

> > the computer and pay attention to them and a show they were

> watching

> > together.

> >

> > I guess my stress level is so high, I'm working fulltime, I'm

> the

> > one calling the doctors and taking Max to the appts., I'm

trying

> to

> > hold onto my Orton Gillingham scholarship (they agreed to defer

> it

> > for a couple of weeks until we get Max straightened out) and

> I've

> > been cooking like crazy for Rosh Hashanah today. Meanwhile,

>

> > just eats what I cook, plays on the computer and goes to bed.

> >

> > I did not even mention the laundry I have done, the kitchen I

> just

> > cleaned up (I got rid of a lot of clutter in there - it's too

> small

> > for clutter).... I'm at wit's end and all he did was say he's

> had

> > it and then he left a bit earlier to pick up his dad to go to

> > services with him.

> >

> > UGH! In my next life, I want to be a man.

> >

> > Jodi Z

> >

October 5, 2005

,

Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share those personal

feelings with us. I know my husband has mentioned before what you

said Steve has told you. Why come home? He told me that I also hit

him with negativity right as soon as he walks in the door. But,

sometimes it is so hard not to because the day has been so crappy and

the kids just won't cooperate and they were so bad I couldn't go to

the store because they were out of control, etc. I have harbored

some resentment myself and we went through a difficult time one year

ago, as you may remember. But, things are way better now and I am so

glad it all worked out. Sounds like you guys have a great system

going. I think I need to be on the easy recipe swapping idea, too.

After all day with these kids and cleaning and doing laundry, who

wants to cook a big involved meal? Anything easy is always

welcome! )

Once again, thank you for sharing. It reminded me about my

negativity sometimes. And poor Rod is trying to work two jobs now!

Ugh, he definitely doesn't want to hear me whine! )

Jodi R.