Feelings...

[Guest guest]

I just wanted to vent a little I guess. My daughter as most of you know has

A-Typical CF. I just dont understand sometimes WHY? No one does I guess. I just

feel like she is getting the short end of the stick. She didnt deserve this. We

dont deserve this. No one does. Before she was born I had some issues, and they

though that she wouldnt live at first, then they thought she would be preemie.

She was born full term though. She was Ok for the most part at birth. The

umbilicle cord wrapped around her neck and choked her out, so she had to be on a

ventilator briefly. When I was 20 weeks prego, 2 days after we found out she was

a girl (this was exciting as we have 3 boys) the problems started happening, and

I was put on bedrest for 2 1/2 months. STRICT bedrest! I had too pee in a bedpan

for a long time! Part of that was briefly in the hospital, and the other part

was at home with my loving husband taking care of me. My 3 boys running amuck or

depressed cause mom was 'sick'. I always said

back then that I would rather have a child with a physical disability rather

that a mental one (my oldest has some mental/learning/speech delays) cause I

thought it would be 'easier'. WRONG! I think my depression about this has

finally bit me in the a*s! I feel cheated. I feel my daughter has been cheated!

I feel angry, yet sad, and guilty all at the same time. I feel maybe I could

have done something? I feel if I would have listened to my gutt instinked about

her first Dr. she wouldnt be so bad off. The scar on the back of her foot is

light, but fairly large. She has a wad of scar tissue there. More that most Im

sure! It's Ok, per say, for a boy to have physical differences, but not girls in

societys eyes. I feel like it's my fault. All of it. Like I could of done

something more. Something better for her! I cry to even think about it. I walk

around numb per say. I WANT people to look at her, and to ask whats wrong with

her. As if to torchure myself. The only thing I did right I

know for sure is take her to see Dr. P. I've gained 40lbs in the last 5 months

(Lilee is 7 1/2 months). Dr. says I have 'Mood disorder'. Depression, anxiety,

etc. Ya, Im sure I do. I just wonder what things would have been like if I had

found a GOOD Dr. to begin with. I know God does everything for a reason, but I

need a break. No more stress please. Dont get me wrong. I thank God everyday for

my daughter, and that she doesnt have anything else wrong with her. She is such

a beautiful happy girl she can lighten anyones day. Really, she can. I just hope

she is Ok, you know. That she isnt messed up as she gets older, and then blames

me for it. I already feel guilty. I can barely even bring myself to get her her

shots as I feel like she's been through enough. She is due for 2 sets too! ;o(

I'm afraid she'll relapse and have to have surgery, or it will be my fault. I

dunno.....Thanks all for letting me vent...........

Christee

Mother of...

*Josh

**Aspen~ Bilateral minor Metatarsus Adductus (6 yrs old)

***Dylan (4 yrs old)

****Lilee ~ Unilateral A-Typical (complex) Club Foot w/Plantaris (R foot) &

Mild Metatarsus Adductus (L foot).

*P/M Brace 18/24.Currently healing pressure ulcer/sore :*( (in the P/M's

w/DuoDerm & Mole Foam)

Concidering Dobbs bar & braces

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