feeling good about ourselves

November 21, 2001

Hello everyone! I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving. May you be able

to enjoy the holiday, even if you can't eat the whole turkey dinner! :-)

This is a serious post. I am scheduled for surgery on the 18th of Dec. I

know I want this surgery, yet I find myself weepy from time to time. Not

about the surgery, but about my life in general and how I have battled this

weight thing all my life. I find myself even thinking *I deserve* whatever

pain I have to go through to finally get a handle on this.......like I almost

think I deserve to be punished for not defeating this problem after trying

for so many years. While I don't agree with the RNY people who *want* to

dump and *eat clean* (whatever that means......I heard Carney say that

a couple of weeks ago), I finally can see where some of them are coming from.

Kind of like *I* deserve to be *punished* for being fat.

I honestly can't say that I find beauty in myself when I am fat. I was thin

once in my entire life (for about 3 yrs) and I know at that time, I did feel

like I looked good. But, I guess after years of being told that I am not

*good enough* I find it hard to believe that I am.

Just wanted to know if any of you have gone through similar thoughts,

battles, conquering the demon of not feeling good enough to the world and

having this weight thing color your view of the world.

I feel like it is gonna take a lot of discipline to make it through the new

regime of protein first and I hope I can do it as well as all of you have

been able to.

Keep your fingers crossed for me and if you pray, I'd welcome prayers, too,

for my success in this endevor from pre-surgery, to surgery, to post-surgery

to life after surgery. I honestly from the bottom of my heart know that I

could NEVER go through with this if I did not have the results that all of

you have shared with me to boost my courage. How could anyone go through

with wls without knowing exactly what they were facing? Among the many things

I am thankful for, I wanted you to know I am thankful for all of you this

Thanksgiving Day.:-)

Carole

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