a day off

[Guest guest]

 

i had to call in sick today.  my head hurts too much & 10 hours of sleep didn't seem to have much effect.  i hope my boss doesn't get too upset with me, i've been moving pretty slowly around the office lately & stayed home sick just last month.  i often wonder how close he is to throwing his hands up & deciding he's had enough.

 

i've recently decided to sell my house.  i've been falling behind with all the yard work needed around this place, just because i don't have the stamina it takes to keep it up, with all the breathing issues.  the snow has melted & now all of the leaves that i was unable to get to last fall are once again waiting for me.  i just don't think i can do it any more.  plus, it looks like i will need to channel alot more of my money towards doctor bills, so getting out from under the large house payment is necessary. 

 

i'm really struggling with the idea that i'm headed for a life as a disabled person.  there are days when i feel fairly rested & don't have much of a headache, and i can concentrate fairly well & get some things done.  on those days i'm all sorts of optimistic & feel like i'm gonna live a normal life, with a career & home & vacations & a nice retirement.  then there are days like today when i dont' think any of that is possible, i feel things going downhill and gaining speed, and i get upset with myself for not having already taken more steps to prepare for the direction this disease is taking me.  i don't know how to make that transition, it feels like i'm surrendering. but i have to.  but i don't want to.  but i have to.

 

as always, the way this disease has messed up my future is every bit as difficult to handle as the physical manifestations are.

 

it's nice to be able to vent a little.  i live alone so there's nobody here to listen to me but the dogs, and they've heard it all before   i'm going back to bed now.