(No subject)

[Guest guest]

Well, today is one of those days when my emotions have overtaken

me. My life is not one to complain about. I have a husband who

loves me, whom I dearly love, two wonderful children, two dogs, a

horse, a roof over my head and food in the fridge. Bills are paid,

the weather is beautiful, and here I sit in tears. Why? I don't

know. Of course I know, there is a monster in my house, in my life

and I do not like it. I want it to go away, but it won't. I try to

protect my daughter from the things that will harm her, but I cannot

protect her from this. Over the holidays we neglected her

treatments and now it is time to get back on track. I take for

granted the fact that she has made it half way through the flu

season without even a sniffle, so missing a treatment here or there

should be ok? I guess I am beating myself up that my baby has to go

through 3 hours of treatments a day. When is she allowed to have a

life? Well if you don't do the treatments, she won't have a life.

Great, that makes me feel better. She absolutely hates doing

treatments. Currently we are doing 28 days of Tobi, vest 20 minutes

x2 and pulmozyme 1x a day. I have tried everything, from being the

meanest Mom in the UNIVERSE, to bribery. Yes this is a small battle.

How do I explain to her that if she does not do these treatments she

will get very sick? It is very hard for me when the two of us are

struggling and negotiating treatments to not blurt out " if you

don't do them you could die! " But sometimes that is what I want to

say. That is my pain, my burden. I cannot tell her this because I am

afraid she will give up, not care, or rebel and " speed up " the

process( not now, but perhaps in her teenage years). Natalia's post

really touched me when she said that " she feels sad " , I don't want

my daughter to feel sad! I don't want her to be in the position of

where she has to fight for her life, and this just kills me. So I

come back to reality, I do not know what is going to happen next

week, next year, in 20 years, I have to get through today, and I

will think about tomorrow later. Today things are good, everyone is

happy and healthy.

I won't apologize for rambling, I just needed to throw this out

there. I know, I know, stay positive, don't let it get you down

etc... but, today it has gotten me down. Have you ever had a dream

where you are being chased and you cannot run away? Your feet move

like a cartoon character, yet you don't go anywhere? Today, I can't

get away. I could go to the beach, or sit out on my patio in the

warm sun, but then I would be alone with my thoughts and right now,

that is not a good place to be. I can't sit and watch tv, that just

drives me up the wall. My attention span is too short. Clean the

house, mop the floor.....yeah right. Ok, turn some " happy music " on

really loud and clean the house and mop the floors. Or better yet,

type to the group, throw my feelings out into cyberspace and know

that I am not alone. Someone, somewhere will know how this feels.

e, mom to 10 wcf and Ian 13 nocf