Mark

[Guest guest]

Mark,

So sorry to hear of your health problems and troubles with your daughter.

Don't let this stress you, teenagers can be trying at times as they test their

wings and independence. Some are harder than others, and you've already

shown that you AREN'T a bad parent, but a good, concerned one!!

Bob and I raised our combined four children together, they are all well

adjusted adults now and hold responsible, respectable positions in their

diverse fields of interest. Each one of our three boys tested our sanity many,

many times! I can't remember how many years I sat up waiting in the late

hours of the night (or early morning), for the door to open and close, bringing

each one home safely. If they were still out when the phone rang late at night,

my heart would race before I even answered it. Though I often envisioned

scenarios that never happened, the boys brought their full share of problems

that needed constant vigilence. Our daughter, thankfully, never brought us

any concern, except for the fact that she was female, and as such, we worried

for her safety when she was away from home.

This is my advice to you about what I learned that worked for us, from those

teenage years. You can take it, or leave it, without hurting my feelings, as I

know that each situation is different, just as each individual is different, and

what works for some may not work for others. You have been a good friend

and a significant person to me, and you always will be, whether you agree

with my opinions about child raising or not.

I feel that the open lines of communication you have with your children, is the

foundation for a solid relationship, that will develop into a healthy, lifelong

bond. That's something that you've already established with your daugther,

and it will take each of you a long way in the right direction. If she's

telling you

what she feels and what she's been doing, you've already established the

groundwork for future openess and honesty, and that's what will help all of

you. She's at the age where she will be tested many times by her peers, the

example you set for her will be one that she'll either adopt as her own, or

break away from. If she's comfortable with you and feels that she can trust

you, to trust her, she'll grow to be the person you want her to be.

Support her when she needs it most, but do let her fly a bit and learn from

each flight what she needs to do to keep herself on a steady course. Show

her your love, and let her feel it behind each decision about her activities,

but

don't let that love cloud you from being strict with her when it's most needed.

Clip her wings if you need to, but don't remove her from having to face her

own responsibilities as a maturing person. But.....don't clip her wings too

much, or she will resent you and refuse to communicate. There's a delicate

balance there that you have to find, and once you have, everyone should be

comfortable with it. As long as you can keep the channels of communication

open, you'll both, (all), do okay. Encourage her to discuss any problems she

has with you, or others, and find ways to solve them to suit everyone

concerned, but don't waiver from your good judgement.

Make sure that both your wife and you are on the same page in regard to the

rules of the house and the rules of behavior, and back each other up as often

as necessary, so you present yourselves as a united unit as far as any

restrictions go. A rebellious child will try to bring a wedge into their

parent's

relationship, if they can get away with it, and that's when the problems can

escalate. So always be firm in your support of each other, make sure that you

both know what the boundaries are, and don't change the rules unless it's

something you've all discussed together and agreed on.

I know you'll handle this okay, and I do hope that something of what I've said

is helpful to you. I, we, did have our share of problems with the boys, and

most of the time I was the one that had to enforce any restrictions because my

husband was off flying (working) somewhere. And we know that enforcement

has to be done at the time it's needed, not delayed until Dad comes home

three or four days later.

Now that they are grown, I have a great relationship with them all, and none of

them hesitate to talk to me about anything that's happening in their world. I

feel that this is what you're aiming for and know that you'll accomplish this

with

time. Okay, 'nuff said about my personal view on parenting!! It's not easy,

but

it has great rewards!!

Try not to let it stress you too much, we all know what those stresses can do!

I'll keep you all in my prayers and thoughts.

With love, hope and prayers,

Heidi

Heidi H. Griffeth

South Carolina State Rep.

SE Regional Rep., PAI

http://pancassociation.org/anthology.htm#Heidi

Note: All comments or advice are based on personal experience or opinion,

and should not be substituted for consultation with a medical professional.

I feel confident that you will weather this with love and good control, and that

your daughter will follow your example and be a better person for it.