Re: Does anyone eles ever feel quilty

[Guest guest]

,

I don't know about anyone else, but yes I often feel as you do. Sometimes I

think maybe I'm just lazy and there's nothing wrong with me at all. Maybe the

doctors were wrong about the lupus, clotting disorder, cp, liver disease,

diabetes, and IgG deficiency. Oh, and I forgot about the TIAs I've had! Never

mind that my daughter and my sister have some of the same autoimmune diseases

that I have, as well as some autoimmune diseases that are different than the

ones I have. Never mind that my current doctors do believe that I have all of

these issues. Never mind the million tests I've had. Never mind the attacks

I've had where my liver and panc enzymes were elevated to the point that there

was no question as to what was causing the problems. Never mind the days I am

doubled over in pain even with the pain med. Never mind the days that one bite

(or perhaps one sip) of something has me wanting to cry because of the pain and

nausea. I'm sure you know I could go on and on. I question myself on a daily

basis. Maybe if I just pushed myself I'd be able to have a 'normal' life again.

Maybe if I wasn't such a wimp I wouldn't need the pain and nausea meds. Again,

I could go on and on here. The logical side of my brain knows that I have some

pretty serious health issues. The logical side of my brain is thankful for all

the love and support of my husband and family. The logical side of my brain is

incredibly grateful for my current doctors, health insurance, medications, etc.

It's that other side of my brain that sometimes tries to pretend that none of

this is real and that I am just imagining it so I can just believe it's not real

and everything will go away and I can have the life that I had before back.

I'm not trying to say that I sit around all day feeling sorry for myself. I

honestly believe I am very blessed in spite of my challenges. I thank God EVERY

single day for helping me deal with life and for the many blessings I do have

because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that things could be much worse!

However, there are many times that the reality of my life is a bit hard to

swallow.

As for the pain med, yeah, I often feel guilty about that. I am terrified of

running out before it is time for a new prescription. Any time I've had to ask

my pain doctor for his okay to take extra pain med so I can get the next

prescription a day or so early I am always terrified that he's going to think I

am lying or trying to take advantage of the situation. He has always been very

good to okay extra pain med when I've surgery or have had an especially bad

week. However, is there some certain number of days per year that I'm allowed

to have extra pain med? What if I use up those days for the year and it's only

August? Of course, I don't know what that magic number is, but in my mind I'm

sure there must be a number. So, I ask for extra med only when I absolutely

have to and even then I feel guilty and I am always afraid they are going to

think I am lying about my pain. I honestly have to say that neither my pain doc

or any of his nurses have ever made me feel that way. I think I have that fear

because of the many times in the ER that I have been treated so badly. It is

really sad now that I sit here thinking about it. To be honest, until I

starting writing this e-mail, I don't think it ever dawned on me just how often

I really do feel guilty!

I don't have any answers for you, but maybe it's comforting just to know you are

not the only one who feels the way you feel.

take care,

W

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[Guest guest]

,

I absolutely hate picking up Actiq suckers...I use 800's so my Doctor

and I have to call around before finding a pharmacy that actually has

them in stock. And I live in a city of nearly 100,000!! One time my

Doctor wrote me a script for 28 of them. The pharmacist only had

10...and since I was (inconveniently) filling them on a Thursday I

could either take the 10 right then and forget about the other

18...so I would have suckers over the weekend (it was July 4th

weekend) or I could wait, and have all 28 of them on Tuesday.

Federal Law says that they can't split up a prescription if it is

narcotics (or that is what he said to me anyway). Well, I opted for

the 10 then,(I had none) but I felt so low, because I could just tell

what the Pharmacist was thinking... " she can't even wait for her whole

order she is so desperate " I could read his eyes. This is the

pharmacy that I fill all my scripts at, so I also knew he was looking

at what all I take and have filled there. I got this " tsk, tsk, tsk "

kind of look, and all I was trying to do was to stay comfortable and

out of the hospital over the weekend! Guilty? You bet, all the

time. I hate asking for meds, and I usually won't. My Doctor is so

good to offer them when he knows I have to be getting low. But it is

almost a " hang your head in shame " feeling when filling

prescriptions, or taking them in front of people other than immediate

family. I wish it wasn't this way. You should have seen what a

ordeal it was for me getting injectable narcotics to go to Mexico

last year. We (my Doctor and I) both knew suppositories would not

work in the heat, the meds would melt and alter the medication

effectiveness. So we went with injectibles. My pharmacy was a

nightmare (and we gave them 2.5 weeks to order what I needed to take

with me)...DIA airport security was no problem, but Mexico's Customs

was another nightmare both in and out! Thankfully, I didn't need all

the meds I took with me, but I'm sure glad I had them to help out.

I guess after all this rambling I wanted to let you know, you aren't

alone, I feel so guilty all the time. It doesn't seem quite fair

since we are the ones who hurt all the time too. :-( Just know you

are not all alone.

Hugs,

Suzi

Colorado

[Guest guest]

Suzi,

thanks for sharing your story. You made me feel grateful about something I

hadn't even thought about - my pharmacy and their pharmacists! At one point, my

husband became very worried about me taking pain med every day. He talked to

one of the pharmacists who assured him that while I was most likely physically

dependent on the pain meds and would have to taper off of them if the time ever

comes that I no longer need them daily, that it was very rare for someone who

takes narcotic pain medicine for actual pain to become truly addicted to the

drugs. He had not told me he was concerned and told me only what he had learned

from the pharmacist a few weeks later when I told him I'd become concerned and

looked for info on the internet. I found the same info that the pharmacist had

kindly told my husband. You cannot imagine how good it made me feel to know

that at least the pharmacist (there are about 5 and I didn't ask which one my

husband talked to) that my husband talked to obviously didn't think I was a drug

addict! I have never, ever been made to feel guilty by anyone at my pharmacy.

They are so kind! In fact, I typically drop off my prescriptions on a Tuesday

afternoon after I've picked them up from my pain doc and I have to tell the

person I give them that they can't be filled til the next day. They fill them

first thing in the morning and they are ready for me to pick up any time I want

on Wednesday. In fact, they will deliver them to me at no charge if I want, but

since they are only 5 minutes away, I rarely ask them to deliver my meds.

In fact, when my liver disease was diagnosed and I knew I'd have to switch to

something other than lortab, the pharmacist reassured me that oxycodone and

oxycontin were both very safe and good drugs if you take them as prescribed. He

also assured me that there was no need to be ashamed about taking either

oxycontin or oxycodone. That was after my eyes got very large and I snerled my

nose at him telling me the best oral pain med that doesn't have tylenol added to

it would be oxycodone.

Thanks for helping me to realize yet another thing to be thankful for in my

life!

W

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