Does anyone eles ever feel quilty

[Guest guest]

My husband and I went away on vacation, from August 21-27. I have

had activity limitations with pain. I can do so much then I am done,

and have to quit and sit down. I had just gotten my Actiq filled for

our trip and in one week I used a box of 30. A few days prior to

leaving I started in with the " screaming memes " as we call it around

here. What that mean is I start yelling in my sleep before my eyes

open, sometimes it starts out as a moan or other times it is just

yelling out, sometimes I dream I am the hospital and the Dr.has

written the order for the meds but there is nobody to give it to me,

or I am trying to get to the hospital and can't get there.

We got in to San Francicso, the first night I woke up SCREAMING in

pain, it got to the point to get out of bed I had to have 2 back to

back Actiq plus 5mgs of Valium, there were days that I would use 5

Actiq. I accidentally ate chicken marsala (I was never a drinker I

didn't realize marsala was wine) Oh, did I pay the price for that

one. After our return it took a couple of weeks for me to get over

our trip. I had full blown pancreatitis, extreme nausea, and profuse

diarrhea, no appetite and no energy. I started back on enzymes to

stop the diarrhea and it worked as usual. The pain though was still

waking me and taking the most part of the day to get controlled. I

went to the PMD and told him all I have written here. I feel guilty

for the amount of Actiq that I have had to consume to keep the pain

levels undercontrol. I think he has an expectation of what it should

take along with the pump. I think the PMD have NO idea what to do

with pancreatitis patients and frankly I think the gastro Drs. have

NO clue either. Having been a nurse I have dealt with drug seeking

patients before, and I am aware of narcotic tolerance. It maybe a

psychological problem, with the guilt of being so dependant on Drs

for pain meds. I told him I was concerned with the amount of Actiq

that it was taking for pain control. I use 3-4 a day. At one time I

took that many to get out of bed prior to the pump. There are so

many people (non-ill) that abuse our system and use medication for

illegal purposes, that make it so difficult for us to get what we

need, and I for one feel guilty having to ask for more, I am at

times made to feel like I am doing something wrong. I am a hostage,

a hostage to what ever mood the Dr is in the day I see him, (I had

nothing to do with the arguement he had with his wife this morning

or the amount of patients waiting to see him and that he is behind)

My husband tells me I have done nohting wrong and I have no reason

to feel guilt, and I know that, but it still doesn't take the guilt

way when I have to get in my box and think maybe I had better wait,

because I know if I take this Actiq then I will have to cut back

another day, because if I don't then I need a refill sooner. Does

anyone eles ever feel this way, or am I making a mountain out of a

mole hill? Does anyone eles ever feel guilt for not being able to do

all they want, need to do? I had this misconception that if I went

somewhere eles that I could leave all of this here at home and that

in a different place things would be different, Ha Ha the joke was

on me. It is there no matter what I do where I go and who I am with,

I have pancreatitis, one would think after all of the testing and

dealing with this since 1996 that denial would be a thing of the

past, I guess wishfull thinking, is just that wishfull thinking.

Sorry for the long post I just wanted to ask some of you if you ever

felt this way?

Atwell LPN