& Everyone Else!!

[Guest guest]

, AND EVERYONE ELSE!!!

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. A charity that has no soul is

no charity at all. It is best that you not deal with such people. Just after

I gout out of my 8-month stay at Kaiser in Sacramento, we (my partner, our

son, and I) were selected as the yearly ³needy family² of my partner¹s

department at university. There were actually some people who felt that we

were not ³needy² enough and that the food should have gone to some ³other

more needy² recipients. Were were neck deep in debt and could barely make

our bills. Finally, a few months later I lost a partnership in a profitable

business, lost all of my private contracts, and I could not fulfill my

private ³general² consulting activities. So, we had to file for bankruptcy.

We filed Chapter 13, the one in which one pays a percentage of the amount

owed and is distributed by the Federal government.

I wrote not long ago on this board that it was a bit too negative and doctor

bashing. I am sorry that it hurt other¹s feelings and apologize deeply!!

I think it was my own feeling of depression and hopelessness as my partner

told me recently that she felt that I needed to be more positive and to have

hope. It was really HER need to have something to hold on to for a change

after dealing with my illness for so long. Well, I had nothing to offer her

in that department and it was a very upsetting and helpless feeling that

fell over me. I got defensive and angry and was accusing her of being like

the doctors and others who don¹t understand this ³devil illness.² This is

the ONE person in the whole world who I consider my best friend, lover, and

life-long companion. I learned from this that I need to let it out a bit on

here-to let loose some of the steam every now and then. So, I guess I am

saying that I am glad that you complained and whined (whining is not a bad

word in my book!!) along with the rest of us. You definitely have my

sympathies. So I guess I will have to take my turn every now and then.

I, too have benefited very much from this group. Others may not know it but

I, too, was saved from certain suicide by having contact with others who go

through this terror as well. As I write this part, I am crying-something

that I am told that I do not do enough of. I have a need to grieve, but I

feel that it is only weakness and so much strength is needed to get through

all that this illness presents. I am sure that, up to this point, not many

know the gravity of my illness. I am slowly fading away into a ghost of

myself. I remember playing folk music at festivals for large audiences and

now I can¹t keep up the stamina to even get to the stage. I let so many

people down as I have only been out of the house 4-5 times each year for a

few hours‹for which I pay dearly with pain, suffering, absolute exhaustion,

and, just maybe, a hint of just not wanting to be here anymore. I could save

some people a lot of trouble.

You, see, , I had to out-write you!!! HAHA!!

Take care everyone . . .

Anyse