Re: Wedding--Back to

[Guest guest]

Suzy,

I have a feeling you will be an absolute dream as a mother-in-law so in time

Allie will come to love and appreciate the relationship both she and Seb can

have with you. Things are now fine between my daughter and her mother-in-law

but there was a time when it was horrible. The bad thing is that I really

thought Nikki was maybe just being overly sensitive. Being the middle child in

my family and always feeling like it is my job to make peace, I kept just trying

to get Nikki to 'be nice' and learn to love 's mom. On the surface, you

would think that you have never met a nicer person. However, she eventually let

her true colors slip even with me. That was the absolute best thing that could

have ever happened. I realized then that Nikki was not just being overly

sensitive, the woman was not the angelic person she portrayed herself to be.

I'm not saying she's entirely awful. However, she is definitely not as kind as

wonderful as I originally thought. It all came to a head while I was in the

hospital with my two back to back attacks of acute panc that led to a total of

about 12 days in the hospital and my official diagnosis of cp. Nikki and

had gone to his mother's house for a cookout for his b'day. They had

been engaged for 1 1/2 years at this time and the wedding was just under a year

away. We were already working on guest lists, vendors, etc. To make a long

story short, 's mother ended up jumping down Nikki's throat when she

found out Nikki wasn't planning on having 's parents names on the

wedding invitation. Nikki and I had discussed this at length because I had a

feeling 's mom would pitch a fit about this. However, when all the

wedding books, our wedding coordinator, and every print shop we talked to backed

Nikki up and told me that typically only the bride's parents (who are 'hosting'

the wedding) are on the invitations. Also, because both Nikki's and 's

parents are divorced, if all parents were listed on the invitation, it would

we'd have 8 parents listed on the invitation. After attacking Nikki about the

invitations, his mom then brought up the rehearsal dinner. When Nikki said that

she and had talked about how fun it would be to have a hawaiin luau

themed dinner at a pool, Nikki got attacked again. She was told that it was not

'her place' to decide anything about the rehearsal dinner, that it was totally

up to the groom's parents to plan the rehearsal dinner.

Nikki ended up excusing herself and then found and had him drive up

down the street to a gas station so she could have a good cry away from his

family. She called me in the hospital and I honestly thought someone had died

she was so hysterical when she called me. I finally got her to calm down enough

to figure out what was going on. I assured her that 's mother was the

one in the wrong. However, I told her that we were bigger and better people

than to let something like the wedding invitations and rehearsal dinner ruin her

whole wedding. I told Nikki that if it was that friggin' important for her to

have her name on the invitations, we would just go with a bigger invitation and

list all 8 names. To heck with what anyone else thought. To heck with whether

the invitations looked crowded and to heck with the fact that the invitations

were now going to be a lot more expensive because we'd now have to have separate

reception cards instead of having the info on the reception put at the bottom of

the invitation. I told Nikki to dry her eyes and that she had better NEVER let

that woman see her cry. I told her to go back and to be so sweet that honey was

dripping out of her mouth. I told her to tell his mother that she was so sorry

and that she'd had no idea that it was going to upset his mother for her name to

not be on the wedding invitations. I told her to tell his mother that since it

obviously meant so much to her that we would absolutely see to it that all names

were on the invitations. I told her to tell his mother that by all means she

should do all the planning for the rehearsal dinner and that the only thing

Nikki would do would be to provide her with names and addresses for the people

on our side who should be invited. Nikki did exactly as I told her to do, but

she was incredibly hurt because she had been treated so badly.

At first I still thought Nikki was being a little too sensitive. I spent the

entire next day on the phone (from my hospital bed) talking to Nikki, ,

and 's mother trying to smooth things over with everyone. 's

mom told me that she had called three different printers in her town and they

told her that they had NEVER done wedding invitations that didn't have the

groom's parents names on them. That was her first mistake. I was absolutely

sure she was lying. However, even if she was telling the truth, it was totally

out of line for her to 'call printers and ask about the wedding invitations'

since she was not paying for them. I told her that Nikki and I had no idea how

much it mattered to her and that we had already decided that all parents names

would absolutely be on the invitations. As I continued talking to his mother,

she made her second mistake and showed me her true colors. She got this

condescending tone of voice and said, " by the way, that wedding coordinator,

that Crysten girl, is just not going to do. she's the one that's telling Nikki

and all sort of bad advice. she's just NOT going to do! " BIG MISTAKE

- that Crysten girl was a true blessing, she had already made things for the

wedding so much more fun. Besides, again, 's mother was not paying

'that Crysten girl'. The wedding was paid for by my husband and me, Nikki's dad

and stepmother, and Nikki and . I figured 'that Crysten girl' was

really none of 's mom's business. Nikki, , and I all loved

'that Crysten girl' and thoght she was doing a wonderful job! I didn't bother

responding to his mother's comments, but I made sure that during that

conversation I sung Crysten's praises many times. His mother got the message

and she never said another negative word about 'that Crysten girl'. Her

condescending tone was a real blessing. I finally realized what Nikki was

talking about. When I began to tell Nikki about the conversation, Nikki said,

" She got that tone with you, didn't she? " I told Nikki she did and Nikki said,

" That's what I've been trying to tell you about all along Momma. that's what

she does with me any time she doesn't like the way I'm doing something or what

I've said. "

I told Nikki that I was so sorry for doubting her. She started crying and said

she had felt like no one was on her side. I felt so bad, but I was so glad we

had gotten it worked out long before she got married. I told her that I was

always on her side and that I mostly just wanted her to have a happy marriage

without conflict. I told her that I had no doubt that if forced to choose,

would choose her. She admitted that she knew that was true. I told

her that even though 's mother was not all we had thought she was, she

was still his mother and she did love her son. I told her that in time, when

she realized Nikki was not a threat to her, she would probably come to truly

love Nikki, too. I told Nikki that it was in 's best interest to have a

relationship with his mother and for his mother and his wife to get along. I

told Nikki that she had absolutely no reason to feel intimidated by 's

mother and that no matter what his mother said or did in the future, she was

NEVER EVER to let her see Nikki cry. I told Nikki that I knew she was strong

enough and a good enough person to do what was best for her future husband whom

she loved very dearly. I told her that his mother was the type person that if

she saw a weak spot, she would trample on it, so Nikki was to never ever let her

know she had any weaknesses. That was a true turning point for both Nikki and

. no longer felt like he had to choose between his mother and

the woman he loved. He no longer had to worry about Nikki being hurt by his

mother because Nikki chose to no longer give his mother the power to hurt her or

make her feel insecure. His mother soon realized that if she didn't start

treating Nikki better, she was not going to have as good a relationship with her

son or with her future grandchildren. She still did a few things we thought

were pretty crappy but they no longer bothered Nikki the way they had in the

past. Nikki has what we call 'bitch about her mother-in-law' sessions with

either me or with my sister. For the most part the things have not warranted

even mentioning to . I'm not saying that there won't ever be things

that will need to be brought to 's attention. However, most of the

things are not worth making feel as if he has to take sides.

Having said all that, I do think that his mom has grown to love and care for

Nikki. Her parenting style is just totally different than what Nikki is use to.

for example, even after Nikki and got married, she is bad to tell

that he 'has' to do this, or that he 'cannot' do that. In Nikki's

words, she treats him like he is a baby with no common sense or intelligence. I

asked Nikki if he does what his mom says. She said no, he normally just lets

her say what she wants, then he gripes to Nikki about how much it irritates him

that she thinks she's still supposed to tell him exactly what he can and cannot

do. She said basically lets it go in one ear and out the other and

then does what he thinks he should do. It's so funny because when he is unsure

as to what he should do, he is very likely to pick up the phone and ask for my

opinion or my husband's. I guess that's because he knows we will give him our

opinion and then we will tell him, " Now, we trust you to weigh the odds and do

what is right for you and your family (by family, I mean him and Nikki). " I

tell Nikki that I know I have done my job as a parent and I trust her to do what

is right. I also know that they will both make mistakes, but the mistakes are

often when we learn the most. It is both the good and bad decisions we make

that shape us and make us into the person we are today. If you can learn from

your mistakes and grow from them, then the mistakes may have been a neccessary

step in getting to where you are supposed to be.

I hope I don't sound like a totally biased mother thinking no mother-in-law

would ever be good enough for my perfect daughter. I really do know she's not

perfect, nor am I. However, I do think she is a truly good person and that she

is a wonderful daughter, sister, and wife and will one day be a wonderful

mother. I do hope that over the years, she and her mother-in-law can develop a

special bond and relationship. I don't think we can ever have too many people

who love us in our lives!

w

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