A mother's letter to santa

[Guest guest]

Dear Santa,I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddledmy two children on demand, visited the doctor's office morethan my doctor, sold 62 cases of candy bars to raise money toplant a shade tree on the school playground, and figured outhow to attach nine patches onto my daughter's Girl Scout sashwith staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spreadmy list out over several Christmases, since I had to write thisletter with my son's red crayon on the back of a receipt in thelaundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll findanymore free time in the next 18 years.Here are my Christmas wishes:I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasingkids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) andarms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enoughto carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in thegrocery store.I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in theseventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling bigticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistantwindows and a radio that only plays adult music; a televisionthat doesn't broadcast any programs containing talkinganimals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behindthe crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll thatsays, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, alongwith one potty-trained toddler two kids who don't fight, andthree pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up wi thout the useof power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monkschanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your handsoff your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of mychildren's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. Andplease don't forget the Play-Doh Travel Pack, the stockingstuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in threefluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpetmaking the In-laws' house seem just like mine.If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enoughtime to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning,or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperaturewithout it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don'tmind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten theholiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchupa vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It wouldbe helpful if you could coerce my children to help around thehouse without demanding payment! as if they were the bossesof an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look socute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in hispajamas at midnight.Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son sawmy feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayonback. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet bootsby the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don'tcatch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eattoo many or leave crumbs on the carpet.Yours Always,A Very Stressed Out Mom