waiting on doc appt. & just rambling.......long

[Guest guest]

Hello guys,

Hope all is going well for everyone on the list.

I have made an appointment with a neurologist for both boys, they think that

maybe they are having migraines. They couldnt get them in until May. So, I

guess we will wait it out. I am thinking that maybe that is what it is, I get

them to the point of being sick. does the same thing. Anyway, we know

that it is either the migraines or another sinus surgery. whoohoo, so much fun

waiting to see what all the test show.

Deb - I am really glad to hear that your situation is better. This makes me so

happy for you.

I kind of had a sort of a breakthrough here too. There has been so much going

on with me. I think that I have been having really big bouts of depression. It

seems to get worse in the winter months. I have been doing alot of thinking and

have come up with a few things that I have to change. (not that it is really cf

related - other than the fact that I cant be a good mom and health caregiver if

I cant get myself together.) In my soul searching I have realized that I lost

myself somewhere along the way. I have become so totally dependant on taking

care of the boys and my family - that without them here I cant function. I know

this is going to sound kind of stupid, but - after the boys leave for school and

hubby is gone to work, I shut down. I either sit around and eat and veg out or

I sleep all day. (I also have gained about 30 pounds now) Its weird, I used to

be able to get up and would be fine once the kids got home - In the last year or

so it has gotten worse, I cant even get up when the kids get home. It usually

lasts about 2 weeks or so at a time - but in the past 6 months it has hit me

every other day. Ok, knowing that- I have been trying to deal with it with out

meds, etc... So- what I have figured out is that I have given me entire

self to everyone and have nothing left for myself. I am really unhappy.

SO - I decided to take some of myself back. I joined a gym ( which is

something that I always enjoyed before I got married) That in itself is a

biggie, because my hubby tends to be alittle controlling. But, basically I told

him to kiss my tushie and I was doing it anyway. Since I have been with him I

have given up everything for him. Try 15 years of no friends (other than you

all on the computer)because of jealousy. It was easier to just stay at home

than to fight about it. (which I am not saying was all bad - I think I was a

dang good mom) But, now I have just hit the bottom and he has a choice to make.

Either support me in what I am going to start doing or one of us leaving. I

just have to find myself again. I am looking for art classes next - I have

always loved to draw - but I draw alot of nudes and he didnt like it or me

showing them to anyone, so I quit drawing years ago.

I am not saying that I dont want to take care of my hubby and kids anymore.

They are first in my eyes always - I just want me to come in a close second.

You know?

Anyway - I will just stop for now. I need to go recuperate (sp?) - my butt is

sore from day one of the gym. But man does it feel good

Vondie