(Humor)HMO Policies and Proceedures

[Guest guest]

I was sent this... I think some of us can relate!

Enjoy!

Jenn in Vancouver

preop 11-1-00

1. What does HMO stand for?

A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, " Hey, Moe! " Its roots

go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe , who

discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain

in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern

practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech

equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result

remains the same as the patient feels like a stooge.

2. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A: No. Only those you need.

3. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the

doctor I want?

A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your

insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who

were participating in the plan at the time the information was

gathered. The doctors basically fall into two categories; those

who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see

you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry--the

remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new

patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

4. What are pre-existing conditions?

A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they

want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear

to be pre-stuck with it.

5. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A: Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

6. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

7. My pharmacy plan covers only generic drugs, but I need the name

brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What

should I do?

A: Poke yourself in the eye.

8. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My

insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already

paid my bill. What should I do?

A: You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check

over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one

of those great offers that only doctors hear about, like windmill

farms or frog hatcheries.

9. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A: Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

10. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A: You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your

primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and

then get sick.

11. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can

handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart

transplant right in his office?

A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10

co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

12. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A: Two groups are tied for 1st Place:

1) Pharmaceutical companies trying to recoup their advertising

expenses;

2) Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

13. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A: Plans for the 21st Century:

For 2001 - 2050: No! No hope at all.

For 2051 - 2100: Maybe. If you call right now, you might get an

appointment by then.

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