Re: Is there Love after WLS????

January 23, 2004

Hi there..

I'm 44 and found someone 4 years younger.. and he accepts me with all my

hanging skin and saggy boobs..and yes..there are men out there that will love

you

like you are.. but you do have to love yourself first.. you will get what you

want.. but you need to look at the positive not negative..

A good heart goes a long way..and you need to see that in yourself and carry

yourself with that confidence that you are a great person with a whole lot to

give..

men love women not just based on their bodies but their hearts too...so don't

give up.. you were very smart to leave that man. Life is too short to be with

the wrong man longer than you have..

take care and god bless.

Tricia

January 23, 2004

Hi, Solara,

I can understand how you feel. Part of the problem, of course, is that our

chances of meeting someone decreases precipitously after we leave school <G>.

But after years of wanting to be married and wanting to be with someone, I

finally decided that being single was infinitely more preferable than being in

a bad relationship - and I've been in LOTS of bad relationships <G>.

So, I've come to be at peace with the issue.

Pam

----- Is there Love after WLS????

> I have been lurking for a couple of years. I find the sharing very

> helpful and informative. I had Open RNY w/gallbladder removal on

> Feb. 27, 2001. I've lost 200 lbs. But for the last year I've only

> lost about 20 lbs. Iwondered if anyone has had this experience. I

> thought if I shared it, maybe it would help me to heal. I am in

> therapy too. I got into a relationship with an older man (now 61)

> I'm 49, 4 months after surgery. He was a professor at a University

> and he had just gotten divorced after a very bad situation. I

> thought he was handling it. But as time went on I found all he

> could do was berate his ex and talk about their dreams...lost. He

> also had trouble with me sexually, he said I was his type. After

> being with him for 2 1/2 years on and off...2 weeks ago, after I'd

> lost most of my weight with him, he said he still wasn't attracted

> to me sexually and that we could never have sex and he never wanted

> to marry again and yet... he still loved me! I left him that day! I

> know I should have gotten out of this a long time ago. But, I got

> attached. I had been overweight since I was 6 years old. No matter

> what I do, or how much weight I lose, I still can't seem to feel

> " good enough " . I want a partner who loves me, but, even with the

> panniculectomy, I've still got a lot of hanging skin that I'll never

> have the money to get surgery for. I feel like this issue of my

> body has really become so big! I am afraid I will be alone the rest

> of my life and I'm turning 50 in March. Its very scary. I want to

> feel worthwhile. I'm doing my best to work at this. I just

> wondered if anyone else has experience this feeling and if you think

> it is the " weight " issue, or other? Is it possible to have hanging

> skin on arms and legs and saggy boobs and still have a man look into

> your eyes and see your beauty? I can only hope that somehow I can

> find the beauty in my own eyes. I know that's the 1st answer...but

> then what?? I've been alone most of my life and I weight over 408

> lbs before surgery. I haven't been married since my 20's and I want

> to be. I wish there was a singles dating place for WLS'rs I think

> maybe they'd understand better... Any ideas, suggestions,

> caring..... thank you for letting me share! Solara

>

> Homepage: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Graduate-OSSG

>

> Unsubscribe: mailto:Graduate-OSSG-unsubscribe

>

January 23, 2004

Solara,

Sometimes I think, if we could just love ourselves enough....

There is a book that has helped me tremendously. It's written by a

woman named Iyanla Vanzant and the title is " In The Meantime. " There is

also a workbook. It's about finding the love you want but the big thing

is that we need to look for it in ourselves first.

I totally understand where you're coming from. I'll be 50 in March

too. I weigh almost 300 pounds and I'm having a revision on the 3rd of

February. I am doing this for myself. We need to find that love and

inner peace within our own hearts and believe that we are loving and

deserving. When we feel that way, people who are also loving and

deserving find our way to us. We give off a certain energy when we feel

good and when we feel bad. People around us pick up on it. If we feel

confidant and lovable, it shows....If we feel bad and unworthy, that is

what we draw to us.

I've been married and divorced and I too strongly believe that no

relationship is better than a bad one. As I get older I've started to

realize that my women friends are the ones who really keep me going.

Don't fixate on your flabby skin. We fixate our whole lives on our

fat....let it go...Any man worth having won't care about what you look

like under your clothes....or so people tell me....hahaha

Hang in there sweetie.....and hollar for support when you need it....

Cindy

suntara1 wrote:

>I have been lurking for a couple of years. I find the sharing very

>helpful and informative. I had Open RNY w/gallbladder removal on

>Feb. 27, 2001. I've lost 200 lbs. But for the last year I've only

>lost about 20 lbs. Iwondered if anyone has had this experience. I

>thought if I shared it, maybe it would help me to heal. I am in

>therapy too. I got into a relationship with an older man (now 61)

>I'm 49, 4 months after surgery. He was a professor at a University

>and he had just gotten divorced after a very bad situation. I

>thought he was handling it. But as time went on I found all he could

>do was berate his ex and talk about their dreams...lost. He also had

>trouble with me sexually, he said I was his type. After being with

>him for 2 1/2 years on and off...2 weeks ago, after I'd lost most of

>my weight with him, he said he still wasn't attracted to me sexually

>and that we could never have sex and he never wanted to marry again

>and yet... he still loved me! I left him that day! I know I should

>have gotten out of this a long time ago. But, I got attached. I had

>been overweight since I was 6 years old. No matter what I do, or how

>much weight I lose, I still can't seem to feel " good enough " . I want

>a partner who loves me, but, even with the panniculectomy, I've still

>got a lot of hanging skin that I'll never have the money to get

>surgery for. I feel like this issue of my body has really become so

>big! I am afraid I will be alone the rest of my life and I'm turning

>50 in March. Its very scary. I want to feel worthwhile. I'm doing

>my best to work at this. I just wondered if anyone else has

>experience this feeling and if you think it is the " weight " issue, or

>other? Is it possible to have hanging skin on arms and legs and

>saggy boobs and still have a man look into your eyes and see your

>beauty? I can only hope that somehow I can find the beauty in my own

>eyes. I know that's the 1st answer...but then what?? I've been

>alone most of my life and I weight over 408 lbs before surgery. I

>haven't been married since my 20's and I want to be. I wish there

>was a singles dating place for WLS'rs I think maybe they'd

>understand better... Any ideas, suggestions, caring..... thank you

>for letting me share!

>Solara

>

>Homepage: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Graduate-OSSG

>

>Unsubscribe: mailto:Graduate-OSSG-unsubscribe

>

January 23, 2004

Dear Solara: I agree with you and with what others are saying to

you. I have been married, unmarried and married again, with

long lifetime love relationships in between, all at either high

weight, or after gastric bypass with enough skin to go around.

And around. lol.

If you want to be with someone, there is definitely someone for

everyone--- way often, more than one someone for everyone. It is

not so much a matter only of meeting the right fella, but meeting

up with your own attitude about yourself. One of confidence and

'you're so lucky to be with me, as I am with you,' will gain you far

more than " I am such an unworthy, why would anyone want me? "

Just ceep's two cent's worth, but I would recommend thinking

about putting lots of energy into taking care of the hanging skin—

if YOU want to. The medical schools across the country have free

or nearly free ps for those who desperately need it who are low

income. They have a senior surgeon overseeing the 3rd year

residents, meaning they have been docs for three years and are

now in their 3rd year of surgery residency.

I do know the heartfelt desire to be taken and loved exactly as we

are in this moment. But I also want to be the best I can be for

myself, alone. If it means changing my moods, ideas, or lifting

and hydraulics and inventing a new outlook and buying the best

of Goodwill, whatever it takes---so be it. Do whatever it takes to

feel good. My grandmother used to say a woman should always

save her money back little by little, for her biggest expense, no

matter what age she is,-- is going to be R and R; repair, and

replacement.....lol

There is love just waiting for every person in this world, I feel

sure of this. With the means to meeting people across the world

in an instant, with the means that just down the road at the

grocery store there might be a nice man who is working, there is

no excuse to go without unless you wish to. THERE IS

SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE, and MORE OFTEN, MORE THAN

ONE SOMEONE.

The prof you were seeing for 2 years, as you describe it, was

just out of a jail break marriage. We often counsel women to

never be 'the transitional woman'--that is, the first woman a

divorced man dates. It is a perilous bet that he will use her to

vent and to heal himself, and then when better (or worse), go on

to find a different kind of woman that he often marries. Of course

the prof still loves you, you gave him everything. Who wouldn't

love a person who does that for them. At least he is grateful via

his love. But the love you describe him having is NOT the kind

you are looking for. Hold out for the REAL DEAL. Fix yourself up

inside and out, if this is what you are truly wanting. Do not give

up and don't settle. Choosing a man for a lover is way different

than choosing a man for a husband. Know the difference, and

you are way ahead of most

I hate it because it's true, you may have to kiss a few toads to

find, not the prince, but a real man with a heart and passion.

There are many deep-hearted men out there like that, and they

are available, but you have to let go of age, sometimes physical

condition, sometimes other factors, in order to find the ones who

have completely unruined hearts. That's what you're really

looking for, isn't it?

Hang in there and see about the hanging skin part, if it suits you.

For sure, examine and shore up your attitudes. Keep us posted.

We are all in your corner.

love,

ceep

> Solara,

>

> Sometimes I think, if we could just love ourselves enough....

>

> There is a book that has helped me tremendously. It's written

by a

> woman named Iyanla Vanzant and the title is " In The

Meantime. " There is

> also a workbook. It's about finding the love you want but the

big thing

> is that we need to look for it in ourselves first.

>

> I totally understand where you're coming from. I'll be 50 in

March

> too. I weigh almost 300 pounds and I'm having a revision on

the 3rd of

> February. I am doing this for myself. We need to find that love

and

> inner peace within our own hearts and believe that we are

loving and

> deserving. When we feel that way, people who are also loving

and

> deserving find our way to us. We give off a certain energy when

we feel

> good and when we feel bad. People around us pick up on it. If

we feel

> confidant and lovable, it shows....If we feel bad and unworthy,

that is

> what we draw to us.

>

> I've been married and divorced and I too strongly believe that

no

> relationship is better than a bad one. As I get older I've started

to

> realize that my women friends are the ones who really keep

me going.

> Don't fixate on your flabby skin. We fixate our whole lives on

our

> fat....let it go...Any man worth having won't care about what you

look

> like under your clothes....or so people tell me....hahaha

>

> Hang in there sweetie.....and hollar for support when you need

it....

>

> Cindy

>

January 23, 2004

I also found a man who loves me, saggy skin and all. He thinks I'm

beautiful---inside and out. I had mentioned that I would someday like to

get a tummy tuck and a boob lift, and he told me that he would support me if

I needed to do that---but I didn't have to do it for him because he loves me

just the way I am. He said that my body is a woman's body---stretch marks

and all, it shows that I've had 5 kids and I've been to hell and back with

it---he told me that all my " inperfections " are part of what makes me who I

am today and he thinks that I am the most beautiful woman he's ever met.

I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad about your situation, just to

let you know that there are men out there who will accept you for who you

are---but if you don't feel good about yourself, how can anyone else feel

good about you? Tell yourself everyday that you are a wonderful person,

after a while you will start believing it!! You made a very smart move

getting away from that man, that is your first step, now work on feeling

good about yourself! You'll be amazed at how people will notice you if you