Re: how do I convince my husband this surgery is important to me?

November 6, 2005

I have the same jaw structure as you and am

contemplating having this surgery. I never considered

it before due to cost but now it seems I can get it

covered by Kaiser. I'm doing this more to preserve my

teeth - add up the costs of crowns and implants and

dental insurance only coverering $1,000-$1,500 a year.

I would argue the costs of this overtime probably

being way more than the surgery out of pocket

expenses. Have you gotten any consultations yet? If

so, I would bring him with me to hear from the

doctor's mouth what the consequences over time will be

without having the surgery. Hope this helps and good

luck.

Kim

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November 6, 2005

Sometimes, waiting and and then having to try and fix a severe tmj

problem would be a lot more expensive. And we all know what dental

bills are like. Sometimes, spending a little money on preventative

measures saves 5x 10x 100x that amount of money later down the line

when problems are much more serious and harder to repair. I don't

know what kind of research you've done on your insurance payments,

but if you don't have definitive figures yet... doing a little bit of

legwork might help your cause, IF the figures are better than what

you might think they could be.... If not, I don't know what to tell

you! I guess, get the 2nd job and start saving and show that you are

serious. If you are having pain and problems then you have a

legitimate cause and concern to pursue this. I hope that he gets used

to the idea and comes around... finally realizing that what's

important to you should be important also to him. Good luck and let

us know how it developes. I'm cheering you on!!! And, I'm not

negating your cosmetic motivations. I think they are important too!

They just probably won't get you very far with your husband...

Take care,

Katja

>

> MY husband thinks that because this is elective surgery that it is

> mainly cosmetic and that even having to pay a percentage of the

cost

> of the surgery is too much. I have offered to work two jobs, since

he

> earns the bulk of our income, so that I can get the surgery. I am

38

> and have an underdeveloped lower and overdeveloped upper jaw (long

> face syndrome with slightly receding chin) and an extremely narrow

> bridge and quite a large open bite. From a 45 degree angle my face

> looks sunken in and it makes me look years older than i am (I think

i

> look like an old witch). aside from the asthetics i have constant

> headaches and jaw pain that are only going to get worse. I

understand

> that my husband doesn't want to go into debt but i don't want to

have

> tmj and lose my teeth prematurely either. i think he loves me but

it

> seems like he loves money more. Am I being a selfish brat or should

i

> find a way to do this even if it is without him?

>

November 6, 2005

It's hard to give you advice since I'm not married, but you need to

do this for you, because your dental health depends on it. This

might sound really harsh, but your husband sounds like a selfish

jerk not to be supportive of your medical needs. Sorry to be so

blunt; when I hear stories like yours I am so-o happy to be single!

Honey, do what you need to do, with or without your husband!! ~~~~

Diane (Idaho)

>

> MY husband thinks that because this is elective surgery that it is

> mainly cosmetic and that even having to pay a percentage of the

cost

> of the surgery is too much. I have offered to work two jobs, since

he

> earns the bulk of our income, so that I can get the surgery. I am

38

> and have an underdeveloped lower and overdeveloped upper jaw (long

> face syndrome with slightly receding chin) and an extremely narrow

> bridge and quite a large open bite. From a 45 degree angle my face

> looks sunken in and it makes me look years older than i am (I

think i

> look like an old witch). aside from the asthetics i have constant

> headaches and jaw pain that are only going to get worse. I

understand

> that my husband doesn't want to go into debt but i don't want to

have

> tmj and lose my teeth prematurely either. i think he loves me but

it

> seems like he loves money more. Am I being a selfish brat or

should i

> find a way to do this even if it is without him?

>

November 7, 2005

Hi Margarita_julie,

One fact that might be the source of your problems in discussing

this with your husband might be the word " elective " surgery. If you

are having functional problems and pain, you are needing " medically

necessary " surgery. Just like a hysterectomy or back herniated disc

surgery are medically necessary surgeries, even though they are also

elective procedures. Elective only means that you have a little

time to schedule the procedure, not that it is optional surgery.

Elective does not mean unnecessary surgery.

Take your husband with your to an OMS consult. Drag him along if

necessary. Ask about potential problems and future expenses related

to NOT doing the surgery now. I am 52 years old. I have had

repeated crown replacements due to breakage, broken teeth, frequent

choking, my teeth are worn to nubs so that even juvenile brace

brackets completely cover my teeth (no white showing), and so

following surgery I will have to have crowns put on every single one

of my teeth at CONSIDERABLE expense, just to have teeth long enough

to meet after they are in appropriate position. " Electing " to

postpone this necessary surgery can make treatment in the future

considerably more expensive. And a larger portion of the costs that

are postponed tend to have larger out of pocket expenses. I can't

even tell you how much my mouth has cost over the years from the

crown replacements I have already had. And I am talking about just

my copay protion. It has been VERY expensive!

Just because it will probably improve a cosmetic problem does not

mean that it is not also necessary. What about people who cannot

breathe due to a blocked nasal airway? They have a rhinoplasty

(which is elective by the way), which is medically necessary, but it

does ALSO have a cosmetic improvement. Does that mean they should

forgo the medically necessary surgery so that they can breathe, just

because it will also make them look better? What about severe acne

treatment, or cleft palate repair?? You can probably come up with

your own list of similar types of medically necessary procedures and

treatments that are not merely or completely " cosmetic " .

And it troubles me to hear that just because your husband makes a

larger portion of your family income, that you are giving him a

greater say in how the family money is appropriated. Sometimes when

there is a huge cosmetic component to a necessary surgery, such as

is frequently the case for those of us needing orthognathic surgery,

it is easy to have our self esteem and personal power be less-than.

We feel less-than in our appearance, less-than in our confidence,

and less-than in our value to a relationship. It can make us feel

that we are not worth doing something for ourselves, even if it is

medically necessary, and even if it will have some eventual cosmetic

improvement for us.

Sometimes we have to take back our personal power in a

relationship. That doesn't mean you have to get nasty or

demanding. But it means YOU have to find a way to value your own

importance in the family. Do have enough family money in your

household to buy a newer car, a bigger TV, a new couch, game

electronics, replace an aging refrigerator etc etc etc?? Do you

have enough flexibility in the family budget to meet those kinds of

needs? If so, then certainly you are worth at least the family

budget value of a household appliance!!! If you don't have that

kind of financial flexibility, then maybe a second job with the

funds directly deposited into an account might be a good solution.

But those funds should NOT be spent on other less worthy family

expenses.

You have to decide that you are worth this. I am a home mom (still

have kids at home), so I definately understand how it is so easy to

lose yourself in the family hierarchy. But finding your worth is

not going to break up your family. I had a wake up call about my

value in the family at nearly the same point in my life as you

currently find yourself. By valuing myself, it actually improved my

relationship and our family direction. It is not a bad thing to

have value for yourself. When you allow yourself to become " bigger "

in the relationship, there is more of you to share with the others.

And you don't have to do this in a confrontative way. Just realize

the reasons you need to do this for you and everyone in the family,

and that it isn't their fault that things got this way. It just

creeps in over a long time. You can change this direction, and you

will be much happier for it.

It may mean budgeting for the procedure, and fortunately OD's

usually take interest free monthly payments over a 18-24 month

period. For those of us over 19, there is usually very limited

orthodontic coverage. There are different insurance plans in the

workplace that do cover orthognathic surgery, however. So if you

have a choice in insurance plans either through your husbands or

your employment, check them out. For me, my husbands insurance is

covering all but $1000 of the surgery maximum. So it isn't a vast

amount of money. My OD is taking payments for my braces, which will

be paid in full in 15 more months. We found a way to budget for

this in my family. So if you have some options in your insurance

coverage, this might be something to seriously investigate and

consider.

I hope you don't consider this reply too invasive. I do not mean it

to be. But I do think you are worth taking care of this problem. I

wish you the best with this. I am sending you my thoughts with this

note.

Hugs,

Fran

>

> MY husband thinks that because this is elective surgery that it is

> mainly cosmetic and that even having to pay a percentage of the

cost

> of the surgery is too much. I have offered to work two jobs, since

he

> earns the bulk of our income, so that I can get the surgery. I am

38

> and have an underdeveloped lower and overdeveloped upper jaw (long

> face syndrome with slightly receding chin) and an extremely narrow

> bridge and quite a large open bite. From a 45 degree angle my face

> looks sunken in and it makes me look years older than i am (I

think i

> look like an old witch). aside from the asthetics i have constant

> headaches and jaw pain that are only going to get worse. I

understand

> that my husband doesn't want to go into debt but i don't want to

have

> tmj and lose my teeth prematurely either. i think he loves me but

it

> seems like he loves money more. Am I being a selfish brat or

should i

> find a way to do this even if it is without him?

>

November 7, 2005

Most family members don't understand why this surgery is necessary,

unless they are suffering the same problems as you. My sister-in-

law, for example, wasn't keen on it, but when I told her about my

jaw pain and headaches, she changed her mind (she suffers from some

TMJ problems as well, but you wouldn't know it).

My husband has been supportive, thankfully. One thing that might

help for you is to book an appointment with the surgeon (and even

ortho) and have your husband go with you. You can discuss beforehand

what questions he might have about the surgery (is it really

necessary, what will happen down the road if you don't have this

surgery, what functional improvements will you have if you do have

the surgery). This way, it wasn't just my decision to have the

surgery - my husband understood what my problems were and what the

possible solutions were. Ultimately, I did make the decision myself,

but my husband completely bought into it as he'd been part of the

process too. You need that support as the recovery period can be

long, difficult and frustrating.

Focusing on the functional aspects makes it easier to decide on

whether or not this surgery is necessary, and in explaining its need

to others.

Hope that helps,

>

> MY husband thinks that because this is elective surgery that it is

> mainly cosmetic and that even having to pay a percentage of the

cost

> of the surgery is too much. I have offered to work two jobs, since

he

> earns the bulk of our income, so that I can get the surgery. I am

38

> and have an underdeveloped lower and overdeveloped upper jaw (long

> face syndrome with slightly receding chin) and an extremely narrow

> bridge and quite a large open bite. From a 45 degree angle my face

> looks sunken in and it makes me look years older than i am (I

think i

> look like an old witch). aside from the asthetics i have constant

> headaches and jaw pain that are only going to get worse. I

understand

> that my husband doesn't want to go into debt but i don't want to

have

> tmj and lose my teeth prematurely either. i think he loves me but

it

> seems like he loves money more. Am I being a selfish brat or

should i

> find a way to do this even if it is without him?

>

November 7, 2005

Hello,

I too had problem with my spouse understanding the reason for my

surgery(s)..Yes, I had 4 in all..My last one was 5 wks ago..I had complications

(the first doctor not doing what was right) that required more surgery. This

surgery I had a new doctor. My husband too thought I was doing it for cosmetic

reasons, and to be honest I liked the way I use to look better..well I have more

swelling (not much) that needs to go down, and a plate that is sticking out on

the side of my nose that has to be taken out in 2-3 months..also my upper lip

looks smaller as well as my whole mouth in general..I will prob get my lips

enlarged later when I get my braces off..of course this will be for cosmetic

reason..I think my husband just got frustrated and scared with all the

surgeries....dont get discouraged, you have to do what is needed...it is a good

idea to have him go with you to your appt to understand more..

good luck Jill

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