Re: Dilemma regarding group member's offensive behavior

Posted September 1, 2005 · September 1, 2005

Sara,

I will forward your request to the group owner (I'm only the moderator) about

making it

clear this group isn't about dating or anything else.

Also, if you consider this to be troubling enough, write to me personaly, there

are a few

options we can evaluate.

I've checked this morning, after reading your message, but there is no option

for

preventing that which happen to you. As soon as you have Yahoo! and are

on-line, this

goes to say that a particular member is available. Now, I know very little

about Yahoo! IM,

perhaps there's an option to black list undesirable people or white list those

you like to

chat with.

The other option is to use a different IM. If you're on the PC, there are quite

a few other

options (Messenger, AOL's AIM, Skype, etc.) If you're on the Mac, there are

choices as well

: AIM, Messenger, iChat, Skype, etc.

Ray

> I wondered if there was any way of asking that when new members join

> the orthognathic surgery site they respectfully keep in mind other

> members' privacy?

Posted September 1, 2005 · September 1, 2005

Sara,

I can't believe that this happened to you. I too look at this a

supportive environment for something that is very personal to me.

This is the one place that people truely understand what I am going

through. It upsets me that someone would be so juvenile, not to

mention rude. I am so sorry this happened.

Rene`

> I wondered if there was any way of asking that when new members

join

> the orthognathic surgery site they respectfully keep in mind other

> members' privacy?

>

> I ask this because for the past few weeks I have been having

someone

> IM me without identifying themselves. Yesterday I finally decided

to

> reply to one of the IM's (against my better judgement) and the

person

> revealed himself to be a member of this site. While the person in

> question claimed to want to know details about my surgery (which I

> was more than happy to share as I have done in the past with other

> members) he then began to ask me some quite personal questions

> regarding my relationship status and I quote whether " I wanted a

man

> from the US " . Furthermore the person in question wanted me to give

> him an opinion based on his photo whether he should go through with

> the surgery or not. When I respectfully declined to provide such an

> opinion, explaining that it was not up to me to tell him but a

> professional doctor and ultimately for him to decide, he got quite

> nasty with me, especially when I asked that he not flirt with me. I

> was accused of being rude and full of myself because I refused to

> give him an opinion and worse yet, being " not all that " based on my

> photos on the site and even " down right ugly " . At this point I

> decided to end the conversation and have blocked the person from

> contacting me again in the future.

>

> Needless to say this experience really upset me. First of all

because

> as the nature of this message board is to be a support network and

as

> we all know there is also a lot of psychological/emotional

> rollercoastering going on during the process, the last thing

someone

> needs is someone being rude to you and telling you that you are

ugly.

> Also this message board is not a dating site nor should a member be

> surprised if another member does not take their advances well. My

> biggest worry is that this member in particular that I had to deal

> with will repeat the same offensive behavior towards another

member.

> I know there is no way of monitoring who joins the group or not but

> perhaps adding in the introductory message that this group is

> composed of people who are undergoing or considering the

orthognathic

> surgery process and that members should only be contacted via the

> message board and only email if an individual member accepts

> beforehand to be individually emailed.

>

> I'm sorry of this message has come off as a combination of venting

> and moaning but I just wanted the group members to be aware of

this,

> as well as see if it's happened to any one else and whether there

is

> something we can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. If it

does

> keep on happening it will ultimately just drive people away from

the

> site which would be a shame.

>

> Humbly yours,

> Sara

Posted September 1, 2005 · September 1, 2005

Sara,

I think I know who you are talking about. I don't want to talk about

it here, but I am quite sure I dealt with the same individual.

Posted September 1, 2005 · September 1, 2005

Hi Sara,

Actually, there is an effective means of moderating who joins these

groups, but it slows the process down as the owner (or a moderator

with more rights than Ray has at present) has to approve each

member. We did this on site 2 to try to keep spammers out, and it

has been very successful. Postings can also be moderated, as we've

done on site 2.

It may be time to have more than one moderator here, with the

ability to approve pending memberships, delete or ban members that

behave as you've described, etc. I've offered to help before, but

been turned down flat.

Sorry you've been through a nasty situation. Personally, I don't

generally correspond with people off the site, it's a rare exception

when I do. And I try to reveal few personal details too. You just

don't know who is online reading (and they don't have to be a member

to read your posts).

> I wondered if there was any way of asking that when new members

join

> the orthognathic surgery site they respectfully keep in mind other

> members' privacy?

>

> I ask this because for the past few weeks I have been having

someone

> IM me without identifying themselves. Yesterday I finally decided

to

> reply to one of the IM's (against my better judgement) and the

person

> revealed himself to be a member of this site. While the person in

> question claimed to want to know details about my surgery (which I

> was more than happy to share as I have done in the past with other

> members) he then began to ask me some quite personal questions

> regarding my relationship status and I quote whether " I wanted a

man

> from the US " . Furthermore the person in question wanted me to give

> him an opinion based on his photo whether he should go through

with

> the surgery or not. When I respectfully declined to provide such

an

> opinion, explaining that it was not up to me to tell him but a

> professional doctor and ultimately for him to decide, he got quite

> nasty with me, especially when I asked that he not flirt with me.

I

> was accused of being rude and full of myself because I refused to

> give him an opinion and worse yet, being " not all that " based on

my

> photos on the site and even " down right ugly " . At this point I

> decided to end the conversation and have blocked the person from

> contacting me again in the future.

>

> Needless to say this experience really upset me. First of all

because

> as the nature of this message board is to be a support network and

as

> we all know there is also a lot of psychological/emotional

> rollercoastering going on during the process, the last thing

someone

> needs is someone being rude to you and telling you that you are

ugly.

> Also this message board is not a dating site nor should a member

be

> surprised if another member does not take their advances well. My

> biggest worry is that this member in particular that I had to deal

> with will repeat the same offensive behavior towards another

member.

> I know there is no way of monitoring who joins the group or not

but

> perhaps adding in the introductory message that this group is

> composed of people who are undergoing or considering the

orthognathic

> surgery process and that members should only be contacted via the

> message board and only email if an individual member accepts

> beforehand to be individually emailed.

>

> I'm sorry of this message has come off as a combination of venting

> and moaning but I just wanted the group members to be aware of

this,

> as well as see if it's happened to any one else and whether there

is

> something we can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. If it

does

> keep on happening it will ultimately just drive people away from

the

> site which would be a shame.

>

> Humbly yours,

> Sara

Posted September 1, 2005 · September 1, 2005

Ray,

Thanks for your kind reply and for forwarding my request to the group

owner.

As for your suggestion regarding different IMs I actually use both

MSN and AOL and was contacted via the AOL Messenger service by the

abusive group member, not Yahoo. Not sure how he got around that.

Anyway, thanks for your help. I just wanted to give people a heads up.

And thanks for doing such a great job as a moderator!

Sara

> > I wondered if there was any way of asking that when new members

join

> > the orthognathic surgery site they respectfully keep in mind

other

> > members' privacy?

Posted September 1, 2005 · September 1, 2005

Thank you all for your replies.

Elana and Ashlee - I am going to email Ray directly the name of the

individual who harassed me via IM. Perhaps you might want to do that

too. Perhaps we can get him removed from the member list. Of course

he could then re-register again under a different name but he could

also be scared off of bothering people again. And yes Elana, you're

very right, there are all kinds in the world, both in cyberspace and

and real life!

Fiddlesticks - I sensed that there was more control of who

joined on site 2. It's a pity it can't be done also for this site.

With so much great support taking place it's a shame to let one

abusive individual member ruin it all.

Rene - thanks for your very sweet words. I'm glad that you're finding

the support you need on this site. This orthognathic surgery process

is quite a rollercoaster, aye?! Well at least now you know to be wary

of someone who you don't know IMing you. It reminds me of what my

mother used to always tell me when I was small, " never talk to

strangers. " Wish I had listened to her this time!

Thanks for everyone's support.

Sara

Posted September 1, 2005 · September 1, 2005

Hi Sara,

I just wanted to say that I am really sorry that that happened to

you. The thought of the whole thing makes my blood pressure jump by

30 points! It sounds like you handled it incredibly well which is

admirable. It would be hard, at least for me, to not be sucked into

the exchange and have it escalate. I feel appalled that anything like

that has happened in this forum of support, and if it has happened to

anyone else, I am equally very sorry. I know it takes 20 positive

comments to outweigh one negative comment (even when they are stupid

and baseless, they can still be upsetting) so I wanted to start with

the first positive comment. I saw your pictures post surgery and I

think you look really great and you should be pleased with your

results. You are very cute and I know your Fiance loves how you look

and his opinion is the one that counts! It is really hard to not feel

at least a little bit insecure after this kind of surgery, so I hope

you know that you have no reason to feel anything but confidently!

Lastly, I don't know if this would be helpful for you or anyone else,

but you can change some of your yahoo profile settings. My profile is

ste to never show when I am offline, thus always appearing offline.

Furthermore, in messenger, you can also monitor how public your make

yourself in that community and how available your make yourself. I am

not dismissing how frustrating and disheartening it is to have things

be such that you would have to go through all that to protect

yourself, but such is the world these days. I'm glad that at least

you've had the option to block that individual.

Take care,

Katja