I was worried about me dying

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone. I know I don't post much but appreciate all your help every

time I have to have another surgery. I always get so scared just like every one

else does. Anything can happen, right? We all started off very different

people than who we are now. My 2 year birthday will be the 28th of this month

and

I have gone from 268 to 120 at only 5'1 " . Last May I had to have a redo

because all my staples disrupted plus there was 2 hernias. Okay, that was

basically a breeze. The recovery was remarkable. Maybe a little too easy for

my own

good. The one hernia came back and grew so big I looked like I was 9 months

pregnant and the back pain was so intense I could not work for months. So the

new surgeon said lets repair it right and get the TT at the same time.

Sounded easy enough. But I was always so scared something could go wrong and I

would die.

In the meantime last summer I met the most wonderful guy and we fell in love

hard. We were inseparable. We have been living together for 6 months and were

getting married this summer. We were just like two kids who could never get

enough of each other. We stayed up half the nights talking and never were

apart even for one day. Larry was 9 yrs my junior. I turned 47 in November and

he

was 38 December 23rd. And was he cute!!! 6'3 " ,a little on the thin side, and

the most gorgeous brown eyes with the darkest eyelashes I have ever seen in

my life. I guess I could go on forever.

Then comes November and I have to have the 2nd hernia repaired with the TT. I

was terrified of dying. The surgery was scheduled the day before my birthday.

This was the hardest surgery I have ever had as you all know that have had

it. I'm still not back to 100% yet. Larry was there every minute of it and took

care of me totally. I didn't have to ask for anything. It was just there. He

cooked Thanksgiving dinner and it was the best I have ever had. Christmas was

humble because Larry was out of work but I had the first real tree in 13

years and it was beautiful!

I went back to work 2 weeks ago and missed him every minute I was gone. We

talked on my breaks and at lunch because I don't eat much anyway. It was hard

to be away from him for 9 hours a day.

Then the other night he went to sleep at 2am and when I woke up at 6am he was

not breathing and had no heartbeat. He went into cardiac arrest sometime

during those hours. I did CPR and called 911. The paramedics came and jump

started his heart and put a breathing bag on him. He never did wake up. The

oxygen

to his brain was gone for too long and he passed away yesterday at 3pm. I am

grieving and lonely and sad and numb and still in disbelief. Here I was so

afraid of me dying and God decides to take Larry instead. I just don't get it.

I

keep going back and forth from feelings of not deserving love to thanking God

for the best six months of my life. I have come so far in these past two

years and become this entirely new person and now it doesn't even matter

anymore.

My first husband died nine years ago just after our 20th anniversary at age

38 too. He was sick so it was expected. But he left me with 4 kids, no

insurance, and a pile of bills. Why does this hurt more? I turned to food for

comfort then. Now I can't put anything in my mouth. I am drinking my decaf

coffee

and water. Food makes me sick right now. Will I ever eat again? Does it

matter? I did take my vitamins.

I am sorry to burden every one with this sad story but please love the ones

you love. Don't ever take them for granted because there is no guarantee of

any tomorrow's for any of us. I am asking for those who believe to please say a

prayer for Lar. He was a Christian and is with God now. I don't know why

God chose this time to take him but he must have his reasons.

Thank you for listening.

Cheri

MagicCheri@...