Slipping & Eating

[Guest guest]

Dear folks,

I've been reading along recently, and haven't been posting... I've been

attempting to control myself by myself, and have found that I'm not very good

at it.

Over the past couple of months, I've let things get out of control, and

let myself go hog wild, and right now, I'm trying to work out something that

won't allow me to fall off the bandwagon. My eating has gone to crap- I eat

whenever I feel like it, with pretty much no regard for what I put in my mouth,

with the exception of things that are patently " really bad " (although, even

that seems skewed- as things like gummy worms don't seem to fall in the " really

bad " category, however, things like ice cream do). I'm trying to be tolerant

of myself, however, it seems the more tolerant I try to be, the more I seem to

let slip by. Even the thought of exercising has left the building, and

presently, I appear to myself that as long as I feel guilty about it (eating and

not

exercising), that it's enough. I know that the cycle of eating and guilt

does nothing but perpetuate itself, but to try to climb over that, and get to

the

point of actually working toward a goal is harder than I ever imagined. It

would seem that I have no grip on what " self-control " really is.

So, taking that as my jumping off point, I'm trying to get everything I

need this weekend so I can have one good week. I have protein powder that is

actually kinda tasty (which I haven't used recently), and I'm thinking that

Monday I'm going to start one of the protein feasts I have heard so much about.

I'm going to be setting up an appointment on Monday to get my blood-work done,

I'm going to start actually taking my vitamins (as I cannot get the full

benefit of them through osmosis, or just by staring at them), and I'm going to

make an effort to walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes every other day.

I know that there is some part of me that is hanging on to the fact that

I can do this, and that I can reach a goal- at least one of having one good

week. I'm going to start there and see if I can carry it on to two good weeks,

but for right now, one week is a good place.

If you have any helpful comments or suggestions, I'm open. I don't need

a swift kick or admonishment, just some support. I'm putting this " out there "

because I need to be able to hold myself accountable, and to put it in front

of others at least offers a little bit of that.

Phew.

Lap RNY

12/02/02

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