Re: need to vent this sad, helpless feeling

[Guest guest]

For me the point was hammered home about a day after surgery. I was

on lotsa pain meds and my Dad calls. He proceeds to tell me " Your

Aunt Nance had a massive stroke yesterday, and will never be the

same...I got dxed with type 2 diabetes recently and did I mention

that your Uncle Brucie has Hep C? " I'm like HUH? But see Nance

(Dad's sister) was 54 at that point, about 5'2 " and 350# and had

battled MO since she was about 12 or so. Even in my drugged state, I

was like THANK GOD I did something now! Nance can't even recognize

her kids now and has about 10% function on one side of her body. My

Dad is 58 and while he was obese, never really severely (5'11 " and

about 260 at his highest), so that too threw me for a loop.

I have 4 kids. 3 are tall and lean like my husband, but my 11 year

old is taking after me! He is 5 " and about 128 (with most in his

belly) and has a real fondness for eating. Combined with his

inactivity, I can only hope he never ends up needing surgery like I

did. I do what I can to encourage him to exercise, but he has

dyspraxia combined with his Asperger Syndrome, and that makes it

very difficult for him to be able to control his body enough to do

exercise, so I am just focusing on having him walk with me as much

as possible. (But I must admit, it is very hard for me to get him to

eat better, because I don't want him to be singled out as the " kid

on a diet " at 11 years old...that just brings back too many memories

of my own Mom... " are you SURE you wanna eat that? You are lookinh

*heavy*...God do I hate that word to this day!!!)

~Kricket

298/138

In my case, it took a family death, a family disease

> diagnosis, and 4 years of thinking and I finally did it.

>

>

> Sherra

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 11/29/2003 3:51:01 AM Eastern Standard Time,

rhapsdyblu@... writes:

I see this all around me. I have clients, one or 2 over 500 lbs,

tell me they don't need to do this. I just pray they find their

answers.

Lorraine

============================================

I have a doctor telling me the same thing. He sees up close how healthy I

am, but always tells me how is going to lose weight, only getting bigger each

time I see him.

Fay Bayuk

**300/172

10/23/01

Dr.

Open RNY 150 cm

Click for My Profile

http://obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=Bayuk951061008

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 11/28/2003 5:42:08 PM Eastern Standard Time,

kimberlyoconnell@... writes:

My mom used to say DON'T eat that....rather than asking if I was sure I

wanted to eat it. Yikes.....I just don't want to be like that with my girls.

I

haven't done that yet. To top it off...my Mom was skinny and tall. Kim O

============================================

My daughter, a member here, insists I wasn't cruel I insist that I was, which

one of us is in denial. Crazy as it seems, I remember the bad parts of my

parenting and she remembers the good parts. How can one not love that girl?

Fay Bayuk

**300/172

10/23/01

Dr.

Open RNY 150 cm

Click for My Profile

http://obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=Bayuk951061008

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 11/28/2003 8:15:12 PM Eastern Standard Time, BethVBG

writes:

> !

> The first time I ever SAW a brussel sprout was when I was in college

> and my roommate fixed them -- of course, I wouldn't go anywhere near them

> then.

>

>

I guess I was just a bit shocked at the veggies he has never heard of or

seen. There are veggies that I do not like (turnip, and anything even remotely

related to an onion) but I have seen them before and I am always willing to try

something new. He just turns his nose up at anything veggie related. Unless

it is carrots from a can. Kim O

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 11/29/2003 8:26:10 AM Eastern Standard Time,

raggedy@... writes:

WOW... Faye are you framing this one?

======================================

You'd think my self esteem would be immense. But, it is always difficult,

even at age 61, with this kind of loving family, to overcome the embedded early

messages. It is like the friggin carb demon, the low self esteem demon rears

her head sometimes too.

Fay,

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 11/29/2003 3:45:07 AM Eastern Standard Time,

rhapsdyblu@... writes:

> You have to let her find her way - you can be her light on a

> difficult path. I know it's your baby, and you love her. There are

> just things we cannot do for our children. We do understand.

>

> All of us are here for you.

>

>

Wouldn't you just love to be able to wave a magic wand and make all of

their troubles go away? Anyway, thank you for your caring response. These are

things I know in my head, but my heart still hurts just watching her. This list

is such a great place to just empty this stuff out instead of holding on to

it and fighting the urge to binge. Kim O

[Guest guest]

Kim, I think Sherra said it so well. My daughter was always slim.

Then a few years ago I watched her weight began to increase. Bt the

time I had my surgwry, she was clearly obese. In the three years

since my surgery, her weight moved to the MO category. We had long,

tearful discussions, there were times she begged me to tell her what

to do. Then there were times she'd say that she would not do weight

loss surgery. She even said I HAD to do it because I was fat, old, &

sick. Boy, did that suck.

However, I just kept getting healthier, kept loving her, kept

listening, & gave no advice (although her dad kept telling me to do

something - LOL).

Then in Feb of this year, we had a very ling, heart to heart & when I

got home from work (she was visiting from Atlanta), she told me she

had made an appt. with my surgeon & he got her in the next day. She

ended up having her surgery in July in Atlanta, she had to fight for

it, gettig denied once. But she decided for herself & then did what

it took to do it. She's still pretty early out, but nearly 80 lbs

down. Still grieving food, but very glad she made this choice.

You have to let her find her way - you can be her light on a

difficult path. I know it's your baby, and you love her. There are

just things we cannot do for our children. We do understand.

All of us are here for you.

Lorraine

> Kim,

>

> I wish I knew your daughter better. Both myself and my mom were

overweight

> for most of our lives. I know now it must have been excruciating

for her to

> see me like that and how it would be for me throughout my life. My

mom was

> the type to step back...and hand out advice when I would say

something about

> my health. I was always the type to be stubborn and discount stuff

she

> would say. Rebellious I know. My mom had this operation done and

4 years

> later I did it.

>

> Well there came a point when I saw how not only thin she was but

how healthy

> she was. I had exhausted every diet known to man and I knew I

wasn't going

> to get any better. With the then recent death of my aunt from

diabetes and

> my father JUST being diagnosed, I knew I was in huge trouble. I

know

> throughout the few years I would make comments like: I am so tired

all the

> time..or I just can't fathom another diet..I can't seem to do

anything right

> to keep weight off...and the like. My mom would take those

opportunities to

> say, yah I know, I had that same feeling and it is why I had to

finally do

> something about it. My mom always has the attitude that when you

get sick

> of it, you will finally do something. That may be where she has

yet to go.

> Maybe you can look for those opportunities and look at it as " seed

planting "

> so that when she finally has " had it " with her situation, she'll

hear your

> words in her head. I remember my mom exclaiming over the phone how

happy

> she was that her blood work came out healthy. She would even send

me a copy

> haha she was so excited. I, of course, didn't quite understand the

big deal

> but it did make an impression on me when I saw how compliant she

was and I

> saw the road I was heading was going to be bad numbers if I took a

blood

> test. Maybe be extra energetic around her as well? I can still

recall this

> one time, I was sitting on the couch with my 300 lb body..aching

and always

> tired..and here is my thin mother asking me if I minded if she

cleaned my

> house (she was over visiting LOL). I said sure go for it and

watched her

> with amazement...this was the 330lb woman I grew up with couldn't

sit down

> for the life of her now that she had lost half of herself. After

awhile, I

> WANTED SOME OF THAT! It all built up to one day me just

saying..enough! I

> hate the way I am so I'm changing it.

>

> I wish you the best, I know it has to be hard. Just be a good

example to her

> and share in a caring way. It's probably just a matter of time

before she

> realizes that it's either do this or a myriad of other surgeries

will be her

> fate like an organ going bad or her knees giving out. At some

point you are

> forced onto some road due to obesity and it would be nice to choose

which

> road instead. In my case, it took a family death, a family disease

> diagnosis, and 4 years of thinking and I finally did it.

>

>

> Sherra

>

> need to vent this sad, helpless feeling

>

>

> > I have a daughter who is 19 and married. When I had my RNY in

Feb 02, she

> > was a normal 17 yr old girl....healthy, not in the least bit

heavy. She

> was in

> > the low 140's. Perfect for her. has gradually put on

weight. I

> > think she might be around 190. She is 5'2 " . I am in pain

watching her.

> She knows

> > that I love her no matter what she looks like. She has mentioned

her

> weight

> > once or twice....asked for advice on occasion, but shows no sign

of really

> > doing anything about it. She is experiencing knee pain. She

looks

> bloated. Her

> > clothes are too tight and I am scared watching her. Bottom

line....it

> hurts

> > to watch her because I can feel the weight. I wish I could make

a deal

> with

> > someone and switch bodies with her. I know this is not something

I can do

> for

> > her, but I wish I could help her.

> > I don't know what the answer is, but if I don't express

this...it

> > will turn in to a binge for sure. Thanks for listening. As

> usual.....Kim O

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 11/29/2003 8:01:55 AM Eastern Standard Time,

mfb23@... writes:

> . My Mom gave me an amazing

> gift...the ability to love myself for ME, not for how I look or for

> how others might perceive me. Thanks Mom.

>

>

,

That is exactly what I hope my daughters will say about me. You have a

wonderful outlook on life! Good Job Fay! Kim O

[Guest guest]

You are right, Jacque. My daughter kept saying she didn't qualify

for this surgery ( told you guys her telling me I was fat, old, &

sick so I had to have surgery). Even when I took her to the computer

& had her calculate her BMI she denied. Even when she finally

decided to do it, she kept telling me people were asking her how

could she do this since she wasn't fat enough. I just calmly told

her not to let folks lie to her & convince her of something that

wasn't true. She has JUST admitted to how big she was & what she was

really eating.

I see this all around me. I have clients, one or 2 over 500 lbs,

tell me they don't need to do this. I just pray they find their

answers.

Lorraine

> , you know perfectly well that obesity is not just physical

illness.

> It is very much a mental illness as well, and denial is a symptom

of that

> disease. And we have all been there, at varying points, in our

lives before

> we got where we are now in our recovery. Nobody could fix us but

ourselves

> until we were ready to be fixed. And as painful as it is to watch

it, that's

> what is going to have to happen for them, as well. Just keep giving

your

> support and well-grounded advice, but don't expect results until

they are

> ready to take the necessary steps.

> I know, I'm preaching to the choir. LOL

> Love,

>

> Jac

> http://www.pictureitdigitaldesigns.com/

> http://members.cox.net/XXXFARMPAINTS

> mail to: jholdaway@c...

>

> Order a BRAT 2004 calendar today at:

> http://www.basenjirescue.org/calendarcontest/

>

> Re: need to vent this sad, helpless feeling

>

>

> My son is probably 90# over. His wife is 5'3 " , maybe 400#? Her

parents are

> the same. They have the right ins, in fact double coverage. My step-

dtr is

> now 100+# over. SHE had the right insurance and she lived with us

for

> awhile, so she KNOWS the drill. It's not that hard.

>

> I cannot understand how they can be around us, after watching us go

from

> " large " to " WAY too large " and then to the normal body weight we

never had,

> and not want to do it too. It is beyond my comprehension when they

saw how

> sick we were and how sick we are not now.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Thanks,

>

>

> Vitalady, Inc. T

> www.vitalady.com

>

> If you are interested in PayPal, please click here:

> https://www.paypal.com/affil/pal=orders%40vitalady.com

>

> need to vent this sad, helpless feeling

> >

> >

> > > I have a daughter who is 19 and married. When I had my RNY in

Feb 02,

> she

> > > was a normal 17 yr old girl....healthy, not in the least bit

heavy. She

> > was in

> > > the low 140's. Perfect for her. has gradually put on

weight.

> I

> > > think she might be around 190. She is 5'2 " . I am in pain

watching her.

> > She knows

> > > that I love her no matter what she looks like. She has

mentioned her

> > weight

> > > once or twice....asked for advice on occasion, but shows no

sign of

> really

> > > doing anything about it. She is experiencing knee pain. She

looks

> > bloated. Her

> > > clothes are too tight and I am scared watching her. Bottom

line....it

> > hurts

> > > to watch her because I can feel the weight. I wish I could

make a deal

> > with

> > > someone and switch bodies with her. I know this is not

something I can

> do

> > for

> > > her, but I wish I could help her.

> > > I don't know what the answer is, but if I don't express

> this...it

> > > will turn in to a binge for sure. Thanks for listening. As

> > usual.....Kim O

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Had to respond to this one. When I look around at my friends and

colleagues...when I sit in on " girl talk " ...whenever there are people

complaining about their parents...I just have to come home and call

my Mom and Dad and thank them for not screwing me up... Regardless

of my parents faults (and when pressed to remember them or point them

out...I can), both my sister and I have turned out to be happy,

healthy, productive adults. Can't really speak for my sister, but

I'm absolutely one of the healthliest (mentally speaking) individuals

of my acquantaince. Now either, as my mother would claim, I'm

actually not mentally healthy...just in complete denial...or she did

much more right in parenting me than she can remember...I betting on

that one. When I talk with friends who are afraid of " messing up "

their kids, I tell them that so long as they make their parenting

decisions out of love AND respect for their children as people, they

can't go far wrong. I know that I NEVER truly doubted my parents

love for me (and they'd tell us all the time how they liked us more

than they did most other people)...so when she was making her

mistakes on me (mostly regarding food and dieting), I never really

felt less than a person. In fact, most people don't believe me when

I say my self-confidence level hasn't changed since losing weight...I

did like myself very much before surgery. My Mom gave me an amazing

gift...the ability to love myself for ME, not for how I look or for

how others might perceive me. Thanks Mom.

Bayuk (Fay's daughter)

5/6/02 Dr. Zuccala 364/-176/188

> ============================================

>

> My daughter, a member here, insists I wasn't cruel I insist that I

was, which

> one of us is in denial. Crazy as it seems, I remember the bad

parts of my

> parenting and she remembers the good parts. How can one not love

that girl?

>

>

> Fay Bayuk

> **300/172

> 10/23/01

> Dr.

> Open RNY 150 cm

> Click for My Profile

> http://obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=Bayuk951061008

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

WOW... Faye are you framing this one?

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[Guest guest]

Fay, I feel you. I am 52 yrs old, have raised two wonderful people -

Hell, I am a therapist. But my Mom's words still haunt me (I love

her, but she is a nutcase). I am better, healthier, much improved

self-esteem. But I still have a hard time " believing " my kids when

they tell me what a wonderful mom I am. 's words echoed my

owned daughter's words (she, too had wls) as well as helping to

remind me to love mself.

Lorraine

> In a message dated 11/29/2003 8:26:10 AM Eastern Standard Time,

> raggedy@b... writes:

> WOW... Faye are you framing this one?

> ======================================

>

> You'd think my self esteem would be immense. But, it is always

difficult,

> even at age 61, with this kind of loving family, to overcome the

embedded early

> messages. It is like the friggin carb demon, the low self esteem

demon rears

> her head sometimes too.

>

> Fay,

>

>

>