Re: Five years post op and reflecting back . . .

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 12/9/2003 8:23:38 PM Eastern Standard Time,

Haasevp@... writes:

The internal anger

that has surfaced in the last year is terrifying to me.

========================================

5 years is amazing. I too am dealing with the internal anger (with Lexapro).

It is much more horrifying than any surgery.

Fay Bayuk

**300/168

10/23/01

Dr.

Open RNY 150 cm

Click for My Profile

http://obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=Bayuk951061008

[Guest guest]

Thanks Vicki - your post is going in my save folder, it's got great info and

inspiration.

Good going on your 5 years!

Joanie

Five years post op and reflecting back . . .

> I know I always liked hearing how people are doing that are longer post op

> than myself. I also love to read updates on people I haven't heard from

in a

> long while. When I first got the idea of WLS and did my research, the

internet

> was new and the weight loss surgeries were not as common as they are

today.

> There were very few people more than a year or two post op and I hung on

to

> every word they wrote and dreamed of the changes to come.

>

> I happily and slowly lost 100% of my excess weight from 12/1998 until

9/2002.

> In all I lost a total of 134 pounds ending up with a BMI of 22. This past

> year has been a really tough one for me and I need to lose 20 pounds to

get back

> down to where I was. I gained the weight back because I started

emotionally

> non-hunger eating like I used to. So much of my life situation is/was

> completely out of my control. That is/was completely unsettlling to my

perfectionist

> self. I committed to counseling this past year and tried various

> anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications all to no avail. Paxil made

me so low I had

> to look up to see a curb! Lexapro made me shake at about 4 weeks of use.

> And I like xanax too much to keep taking it. There is no medication Rx or

> otherwise that can make the intolerable more tolerable for me. The

internal anger

> that has surfaced in the last year is terrifying to me. There are things

that

> happen to us in life that defy easy solutions, maybe defy solutions

period.

> The solution maybe finding a place of quiet acceptance and an appropriate

laying

> to rest of the ghosts of the past. Sometimes we just have to tread water

and

> try our best to hang on in the meantime. I have never been one to

> concentrate on negative past experiences, but this year it was

particularly hard not to.

> What I I cannot change I am looking for a place for, and I know

non-hunger

> eating doesn't make it go away. I spent way too much time feeling sorry

for

> myself and my situation this year. I hid so much behind a an outgoing fun

> facade which is a real part of who I am, that friends didn't understand

the black

> cloud that overcame me.

>

> For me it is all related to what the excess weight and morbid obesity was

> about in the first place. I know I bury my feelings or at least try to.

I may

> be able to be assertive online, but I am not able in my live and in-person

> life. I don't stand up for myself especially when I perceive it as

negative. Up

> until about 18 months ago I avoided dealing with a whole bunch of stuff

and I

> got badly walked on. Now it is time and I am serious about taking care of

the

> root issues once and for all. The method I am using is journaling/writing

a

> book. Its hard to do when it feels uncomfortable. I have always tried to

> please everyone and be the good person. I wanted to be liked. I have been

walked

> on and I am afraid to upset people and my family. I am a caregiver to too

> many people, without first caring for myself. It seems selfish for me to

put

> myself and my needs first. I love to laugh and have fun as it feels

good and

> gets the serious stuff off of my mind for a while.

>

> As for the future and my feelings about having had the WLS and lost the

> weight as well as the subsequent reconstructive surgeries . . . I am glad

I did it

> and have achieved the level of physical success I have. Now I need to

> concentrate on achieving the same level of success emotionally and

spiritually at the

> deepest levels. Its not that I haven't worked on those components of who

I

> am the last 5 years while losing the weight, because I have. Its because

of

> the psychological, spiritual, emotional work I've been doing that so much

that

> was buried has been allowed to surface. Its an oxymoron that sometimes

we

> have to get worse to ultimately achieve becoming the best person we can

be, in

> all ways. The 20 pounds will be gone again if I work hard at honoring my

> feelings and taking care of myself first. I am not going to find a new

diet to

> start the old gain and lose cycle going again. I will say NO a lot more

and

> avoid making committments I really don't have time for or want to do. One

of the

> things I did that followed the WLS surgery and weight loss, was I tried to

be

> super woman master of everything. I was like the little dutch boy trying

to

> plug all the holes in the damn dam! I spread myself way to thin while I

was

> getting thin! I am letting go of that and repriortizing my life. I will

be

> patient with myself and my loved ones.

>

> Real change is never instant or easy and requires hard work, tolerance

(maybe

> even embracing) of discomfort, and unwavering committment. Regardless of

the

> endeavor be it weight loss, maintenance, or other personal issues it takes

> time. WLS is a chance at a new beginning and its completely up to me to

follow

> through. The deal maker/breaker is keeping my focus and personal

committment

> to permanently change. I'm looking forward to the upcoming 6th year post

op.

> I'm going to get my " groove back " and integrate the old and new to become

the

> person I really am, not some person I am supposed to be. The future is

> scary, but doable. I look forward with much optimisim and gratitude for

the

> support I have received here and other places. Of all the advise I could

give, the

> best would be to faithfully take any vitamins or supplements necessary to

> obtain or maintain physical health and take care of yourself first and

foremost

> in all ways. Try to live in the present and not in the past or in the

future .

> . . Everyday is afresh start and a chance to move forward and get to

those

> well defined goals.

>

> ) Vicki in CA . . . still here and still learning.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 12/09/2003 8:23:05 PM Eastern Standard Time,

Haasevp@... writes:

> . Of all the advise I could give, the

> best would be to faithfully take any vitamins or supplements necessary to

> obtain or maintain physical health and take care of yourself first and

> foremost

> in all ways. Try to live in the present and not in the past or in the

> future .

> . . Everyday is afresh start and a chance to move forward and get to those

> well defined goals.

>

>

Thank You, Vicki, for sharing your experience and your frustrations. It is

helpful to me, a post op approaching her 2 yr anniversary. I wish you peace

and success with your endeavors!

O'Connell

Haverhill Ma

Open RNY 2/7/02

Pre op weight:248

Now: 133

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 12/10/2003 9:44:03 AM Eastern Standard Time,

RNY999@... writes:

> " The truth will set you free... but first it will make you f***ing

> miserable. "

>

>

So true!! LOL

[Guest guest]

> Its an oxymoron that sometimes we

> have to get worse to ultimately achieve becoming the best

> person we can be, in

> all ways.

Vicki,

Thank you for a thoughtful and courageous post. There are many things that

relate to my struggles as well.

The aboce statement (very very true) reminded me of a poster I used to have:

" The truth will set you free... but first it will make you f***ing miserable. "

hugs,

Ann

[Guest guest]

Great post and great advice.

Thanks

Sherra

Five years post op and reflecting back . . .

> I know I always liked hearing how people are doing that are longer post op

> than myself. I also love to read updates on people I haven't heard from

in a

> long while. When I first got the idea of WLS and did my research, the

internet

> was new and the weight loss surgeries were not as common as they are

today.

> There were very few people more than a year or two post op and I hung on

to

> every word they wrote and dreamed of the changes to come.

>

> I happily and slowly lost 100% of my excess weight from 12/1998 until

9/2002.

> In all I lost a total of 134 pounds ending up with a BMI of 22. This past

> year has been a really tough one for me and I need to lose 20 pounds to

get back

> down to where I was. I gained the weight back because I started

emotionally

> non-hunger eating like I used to. So much of my life situation is/was

> completely out of my control. That is/was completely unsettlling to my

perfectionist

> self. I committed to counseling this past year and tried various

> anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications all to no avail. Paxil made

me so low I had

> to look up to see a curb! Lexapro made me shake at about 4 weeks of use.

> And I like xanax too much to keep taking it. There is no medication Rx or

> otherwise that can make the intolerable more tolerable for me. The

internal anger

> that has surfaced in the last year is terrifying to me. There are things

that

> happen to us in life that defy easy solutions, maybe defy solutions

period.

> The solution maybe finding a place of quiet acceptance and an appropriate

laying

> to rest of the ghosts of the past. Sometimes we just have to tread water

and

> try our best to hang on in the meantime. I have never been one to

> concentrate on negative past experiences, but this year it was

particularly hard not to.

> What I I cannot change I am looking for a place for, and I know

non-hunger

> eating doesn't make it go away. I spent way too much time feeling sorry

for

> myself and my situation this year. I hid so much behind a an outgoing fun

> facade which is a real part of who I am, that friends didn't understand

the black

> cloud that overcame me.

>

> For me it is all related to what the excess weight and morbid obesity was

> about in the first place. I know I bury my feelings or at least try to.

I may

> be able to be assertive online, but I am not able in my live and in-person

> life. I don't stand up for myself especially when I perceive it as

negative. Up

> until about 18 months ago I avoided dealing with a whole bunch of stuff

and I

> got badly walked on. Now it is time and I am serious about taking care of

the

> root issues once and for all. The method I am using is journaling/writing

a

> book. Its hard to do when it feels uncomfortable. I have always tried to

> please everyone and be the good person. I wanted to be liked. I have been

walked

> on and I am afraid to upset people and my family. I am a caregiver to too

> many people, without first caring for myself. It seems selfish for me to

put

> myself and my needs first. I love to laugh and have fun as it feels

good and

> gets the serious stuff off of my mind for a while.

>

> As for the future and my feelings about having had the WLS and lost the

> weight as well as the subsequent reconstructive surgeries . . . I am glad

I did it

> and have achieved the level of physical success I have. Now I need to

> concentrate on achieving the same level of success emotionally and

spiritually at the

> deepest levels. Its not that I haven't worked on those components of who

I

> am the last 5 years while losing the weight, because I have. Its because

of

> the psychological, spiritual, emotional work I've been doing that so much

that

> was buried has been allowed to surface. Its an oxymoron that sometimes

we

> have to get worse to ultimately achieve becoming the best person we can

be, in

> all ways. The 20 pounds will be gone again if I work hard at honoring my

> feelings and taking care of myself first. I am not going to find a new

diet to

> start the old gain and lose cycle going again. I will say NO a lot more

and

> avoid making committments I really don't have time for or want to do. One

of the

> things I did that followed the WLS surgery and weight loss, was I tried to

be

> super woman master of everything. I was like the little dutch boy trying

to

> plug all the holes in the damn dam! I spread myself way to thin while I

was

> getting thin! I am letting go of that and repriortizing my life. I will

be

> patient with myself and my loved ones.

>

> Real change is never instant or easy and requires hard work, tolerance

(maybe

> even embracing) of discomfort, and unwavering committment. Regardless of

the

> endeavor be it weight loss, maintenance, or other personal issues it takes

> time. WLS is a chance at a new beginning and its completely up to me to

follow

> through. The deal maker/breaker is keeping my focus and personal

committment

> to permanently change. I'm looking forward to the upcoming 6th year post

op.

> I'm going to get my " groove back " and integrate the old and new to become

the

> person I really am, not some person I am supposed to be. The future is

> scary, but doable. I look forward with much optimisim and gratitude for

the

> support I have received here and other places. Of all the advise I could

give, the

> best would be to faithfully take any vitamins or supplements necessary to

> obtain or maintain physical health and take care of yourself first and

foremost

> in all ways. Try to live in the present and not in the past or in the

future .

> . . Everyday is afresh start and a chance to move forward and get to

those

> well defined goals.

>

> ) Vicki in CA . . . still here and still learning.

>

>

>