Five years post op and reflecting back . . .

[Guest guest]

I know I always liked hearing how people are doing that are longer post op

than myself. I also love to read updates on people I haven't heard from in a

long while. When I first got the idea of WLS and did my research, the internet

was new and the weight loss surgeries were not as common as they are today.

There were very few people more than a year or two post op and I hung on to

every word they wrote and dreamed of the changes to come.

I happily and slowly lost 100% of my excess weight from 12/1998 until 9/2002.

In all I lost a total of 134 pounds ending up with a BMI of 22. This past

year has been a really tough one for me and I need to lose 20 pounds to get back

down to where I was. I gained the weight back because I started emotionally

non-hunger eating like I used to. So much of my life situation is/was

completely out of my control. That is/was completely unsettlling to my

perfectionist

self. I committed to counseling this past year and tried various

anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications all to no avail. Paxil made me so

low I had

to look up to see a curb! Lexapro made me shake at about 4 weeks of use.

And I like xanax too much to keep taking it. There is no medication Rx or

otherwise that can make the intolerable more tolerable for me. The internal

anger

that has surfaced in the last year is terrifying to me. There are things that

happen to us in life that defy easy solutions, maybe defy solutions period.

The solution maybe finding a place of quiet acceptance and an appropriate laying

to rest of the ghosts of the past. Sometimes we just have to tread water and

try our best to hang on in the meantime. I have never been one to

concentrate on negative past experiences, but this year it was particularly hard

not to.

What I I cannot change I am looking for a place for, and I know non-hunger

eating doesn't make it go away. I spent way too much time feeling sorry for

myself and my situation this year. I hid so much behind a an outgoing fun

facade which is a real part of who I am, that friends didn't understand the

black

cloud that overcame me.

For me it is all related to what the excess weight and morbid obesity was

about in the first place. I know I bury my feelings or at least try to. I may

be able to be assertive online, but I am not able in my live and in-person

life. I don't stand up for myself especially when I perceive it as negative. Up

until about 18 months ago I avoided dealing with a whole bunch of stuff and I

got badly walked on. Now it is time and I am serious about taking care of the

root issues once and for all. The method I am using is journaling/writing a

book. Its hard to do when it feels uncomfortable. I have always tried to

please everyone and be the good person. I wanted to be liked. I have been

walked

on and I am afraid to upset people and my family. I am a caregiver to too

many people, without first caring for myself. It seems selfish for me to put

myself and my needs first. I love to laugh and have fun as it feels good and

gets the serious stuff off of my mind for a while.

As for the future and my feelings about having had the WLS and lost the

weight as well as the subsequent reconstructive surgeries . . . I am glad I did

it

and have achieved the level of physical success I have. Now I need to

concentrate on achieving the same level of success emotionally and spiritually

at the

deepest levels. Its not that I haven't worked on those components of who I

am the last 5 years while losing the weight, because I have. Its because of

the psychological, spiritual, emotional work I've been doing that so much that

was buried has been allowed to surface. Its an oxymoron that sometimes we

have to get worse to ultimately achieve becoming the best person we can be, in

all ways. The 20 pounds will be gone again if I work hard at honoring my

feelings and taking care of myself first. I am not going to find a new diet to

start the old gain and lose cycle going again. I will say NO a lot more and

avoid making committments I really don't have time for or want to do. One of

the

things I did that followed the WLS surgery and weight loss, was I tried to be

super woman master of everything. I was like the little dutch boy trying to

plug all the holes in the damn dam! I spread myself way to thin while I was

getting thin! I am letting go of that and repriortizing my life. I will be

patient with myself and my loved ones.

Real change is never instant or easy and requires hard work, tolerance (maybe

even embracing) of discomfort, and unwavering committment. Regardless of the

endeavor be it weight loss, maintenance, or other personal issues it takes

time. WLS is a chance at a new beginning and its completely up to me to follow

through. The deal maker/breaker is keeping my focus and personal committment

to permanently change. I'm looking forward to the upcoming 6th year post op.

I'm going to get my " groove back " and integrate the old and new to become the

person I really am, not some person I am supposed to be. The future is

scary, but doable. I look forward with much optimisim and gratitude for the

support I have received here and other places. Of all the advise I could give,

the

best would be to faithfully take any vitamins or supplements necessary to

obtain or maintain physical health and take care of yourself first and foremost

in all ways. Try to live in the present and not in the past or in the future .

.. . Everyday is afresh start and a chance to move forward and get to those

well defined goals.

) Vicki in CA . . . still here and still learning.