RE: advice re: expectations of family/friends pls

[Guest guest]

Hi Tristan,

I am going to respond briefly, because we all spend too much energy getting upset over these things. Here you go.

First the shower. I would say that you should have not felt embarrassed, but blessed to be cared for. We SHOULD be cared for. We are good people. If after having told them you ate beforehand, they still wanted to do it, that was THEIR choice. I would consider myself lucky that they cared (and that I didn't have your mother in law yelling at me at the shower).

Second, the wedding. WEDDINGS ARE STRESSFUL. I would ignore the whole thing. I would quietly reach out to the bride and groom and see if they are upset that you spoke with the caterer and if they would prefer that you do not get something special. After all, it is their day, their choice.

Third, good for you for walking out on the M-I-L.

----- Original Message ----From: "TrVerb@..." <TrVerb@...> Sent: Sunday, July 13, 2008 11:36:51 PMSubject: [ ] advice re: expectations of family/friends pls

Hi all. I had a pretty bad day yesterday in terms of dealing with other people's inability to deal with my having celiac and needing to sometimes be accommodated. I would love to know how others have dealt with any or all of these issues. Feel free to tell me how I could have handled the situations better. You can even tell my that my mother-in-law is right... though I'm hoping you won't! This will be kind of long; just writing it will be helpful to me to process it and be done with it (I hope!).(1) I went to my niece's wedding shower luncheon yesterday afternoon -- this was my first real social event (other than evening parties where no one is paying attention to what you do or don't eat) since I was diagnosed at the end of March and I hadn't really prepared myself for how to deal with the food situation. I figured my sister-in-law wouldn't bother to tell the

hostess (her best friend) about my having celiac but for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to tell the hostess myself (don't you get so tired of having to explain yourself!). Instead, I made sure I ate right before the event, I had crackers & fruit with me in case I did get hungry, and I figured I would just push whatever food they did give me around on the plate and pretend to eat it (that's a technique I learned from a Miss Manner's column on how to deal with food you don't like)... Unfortunately, it was a buffet and the two items provided both had bacon and chicken in them, neither of which I eat, and one of my nieces noticed the bacon and chicken and immediately said something about there being nothing for me to eat... so suddenly there was a big flurry of activity as my s-i-l and the hostess ransacked the kitchen looking for something appropriate for me... I felt humiliated, like I was a petulant, demanding child; but I also

felt badly for the hostess being put in the position of feeling like she had failed to provide properly for her guest. I kept telling the hostess that I'd already eaten but she clearly felt that it was her responsibility to provide me with lunch! Clearly I screwed up. I think now that I shouldI have contacted the hostess in advance to at the very least tell her I would provide for myself? How do you all deal with social situations like this? (3) Later, at my mother-and-father- in-law's house (with another of my husband's brothers and his girlfriend), I made the mistake of mentioning to my mother-in-law that I had spoken with the chef for my niece's wedding and that they were making me a special meal of gluten free vegetables and fish. Then my b-i-l and his girlfriend got bent out of shape because fish wasn't being offered to anyone else at the wedding. "Why are you getting to have that? The choices were meat, chicken, or a vegetable dish!" they

complained. I told them, "Because I happen to have an auto-immune disease and the caterers would prefer to not make me ill at the wedding." Then my m-i-l proceeded to tell me that I had no right to expect the caterer to accommodate me. When I replied that I'd been to another catered event and the caterer couldn't have been lovelier about reassuring me that I could eat without worry at the event and that it was ok to make special requests of a caterer because that's what caterers get paid to do - cater to people - she said, "Well, you're not paying for it so you have no right to make any requests. You just have to get used to bringing your own food with you wherever

you go." At that point I just got up and left and left my husband to deal with all of them.... Is she right, do I have no right to expect anyone I am not personally paying to make any accommodation for me? That strikes me as a negative way to live my life (and a selfish way for others to live theirs). At restaurants, I have been touched by how caring the staff is once they understand my dietary needs and I feel like having this disease has allowed me to give others the opportunity to be generous and kind - and so far, the o! nly peop le who have failed in that are my in-laws and a few friends who have made it clear they will never invite me to dinner again (unless I bring my own dinner...). I am so grateful that after my diagnosis my husband immediately cleaned out all the gluten in our house and my mom bought every gf cookbook she could find and even joined a celiac support group where she lives!Whew, this was long, I'm really sorry, I just had

to vent. Any advice or thoughts would be fantastic to hear. Thanks for listening!Tristan************ **Get the scoop on last night's hottest shows and the live music scene in your area - Check out TourTracker. com!(http://www. tourtracker. com?NCID= aolmus0005000000 0112)

[Guest guest]

I understand your need to vent about such

difficult situations. It does be come frustrating and at times makes you feel

like an outcast.

My take on it –

Situation #1- You can contact the hostess

ahead of time just to check if there will be a vegetable/salad option for you, also

to let her know that you will bring your own food so that she is understands

your needs and is not insulted if you do not eat her food or she sees you with

your own. As for everyone else at the party…they can just deal with it!

Situation #2 – There are a lot of

factors here …..I am saddened by your in-laws responses, but not shocked.

Some people just don’t ‘get it’. Caterers deal with lots of

food issues (vegan, diabetic, celiac, nut allergies etc.) and they are not very

professional if they are not willing to try to accommodate their clients and their

guests. As for your m-i-l, it is sad that she is not more sympathetic to your challenges,

but that is her issue. Maybe in time she will learn to understand the physical

and emotional effects of this new diet and life change, but for now she does

not ‘get it’. Try to let it go for now and realize that this is her

hang up. You are doing the best that you can to protect your health and still participate

like the rest of the family. Weddings always seem to bring out some kind of

drama and stress…usually about $. Maybe your husband can try to talk with

her about it, or you can talk to her about it one-on-one later. The best bet

would be to talk to the bride (she is usually the real decision maker) and ask

her if it is OK to have a different meal, and offer to pay extra if you think

that is a concern.

In the end, just remember that just liked

other life threatening illnesses that are food related like nut allergies or

diabetes, you need to do what is best to protect yourself. If other people do

not understand or are willing to help you…that is their problem and hang

up – they can just deal with it. You just need to do what you think is

appropriate for you and your health and try to still respect the needs of

others.

Eileen

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of TrVerb@...

Sent: Sunday, July 13, 2008 11:37

PM

Subject: [ ] advice

re: expectations of family/friends pls

Hi all. I had a pretty bad day yesterday in

terms of dealing with other people's inability to deal with my having celiac

and needing to sometimes be accommodated. I would love to know how others have

dealt with any or all of these issues. Feel free to tell me how I could have

handled the situations better. You can even tell my that my mother-in-law is

right... though I'm hoping you won't! This will be kind of long; just writing

it will be helpful to me to process it and be done with it (I hope!).

(1) I went to my niece's wedding shower luncheon yesterday afternoon -- this

was my first real social event (other than evening parties where no one is

paying attention to what you do or don't eat) since I was diagnosed at the end

of March and I hadn't really prepared myself for how to deal with the food

situation. I figured my sister-in-law wouldn't bother to tell the hostess (her

best friend) about my having celiac but for some reason I just couldn't bring

myself to tell the hostess myself (don't you get so tired of having to explain

yourself!). Instead, I made sure I ate right before the event, I had crackers

& fruit with me in case I did get hungry, and I figured I would just push

whatever food they did give me around on the plate and pretend to eat it

(that's a technique I learned from a Miss Manner's column on how to deal with

food you don't like)... Unfortunately, it was a buffet and the two items

provided both had bacon and chicken in them, neither of which I eat, and one of

my nieces noticed the bacon and chicken and immediately said something about

there being nothing for me to eat... so suddenly there was a big flurry of

activity as my s-i-l and the hostess ransacked the kitchen looking for

something appropriate for me... I felt humiliated, like I was a petulant,

demanding child; but I also felt badly for the hostess being put in the

position of feeling like she had failed to provide properly for her guest. I

kept telling the hostess that I'd already eaten but she clearly felt that it

was her responsibility to provide me with lunch! Clearly I screwed up. I think

now that I shouldI have contacted the hostess in advance to at the very least

tell her I would provide for myself? How do you all deal with social situations

like this?

(3) Later, at my mother-and-father-in-law's house (with another of my

husband's brothers and his girlfriend), I made the mistake of mentioning to my

mother-in-law that I had spoken with the chef for my niece's wedding and that

they were making me a special meal of gluten free vegetables and fish. Then my

b-i-l and his girlfriend got bent out of shape because fish wasn't being

offered to anyone else at the wedding. " Why are you getting to have that?

The choices were meat, chicken, or a vegetable dish! " they complained.

I told them, " Because I happen to have an auto-immune disease and the

caterers would prefer to not make me ill at the wedding. " Then my m-i-l

proceeded to tell me that I had no right to expect the caterer to

accommodate me. When I replied that I'd been to another catered event and the

caterer couldn't have been lovelier about reassuring me that I could eat

without worry at the event and that it was ok to make special requests of a

caterer because that's what caterers get paid to do - cater to people - she said,

" Well, you're not paying for

it so you have no right to make any requests. You just have to get used to

bringing your own food with you wherever you go. " At that point I just got

up and left and left my husband to deal with all of them.... Is she right, do I

have no right to expect anyone I am not personally paying to make any

accommodation for me? That strikes me as a negative way to live my life (and a

selfish way for others to live theirs). At restaurants, I have been touched by

how caring the staff is once they understand my dietary needs and I feel like

having this disease has allowed me to give others the opportunity to be

generous and kind - and so far, the only people who have failed in that are my

in-laws and a few friends who have made it clear they will never invite me to

dinner again (unless I bring my own dinner...). I am so grateful that after my

diagnosis my husband immediately cleaned out all the gluten in our house and my

mom bought every gf cookbook she could find and even joined a celiac support group

where she lives!

Whew, this was long, I'm really sorry, I just had to vent. Any advice or

thoughts would be fantastic to hear. Thanks for listening!

Tristan

**************

Get the scoop on last night's hottest shows and the live music scene in your

area - Check out TourTracker.com!

(http://www.tourtracker.com?NCID=aolmus00050000000112)

[Guest guest]

Goodness in reading this thread I've come to realize just how great my

friends are! everyone of them has accepted my intolerance and ran with

with it. of course there is the occasional ribbing about how good the

beer is or how much they enjoyed the dessert.

My thoughts on your missive,

I would have never contacted the caterer directly and esp with out

permission from the bride/groom who ever was paying for it. if they

say it's cool by all means go for it. but mention that if its going to

cost more that you would pick that up.

You have a right to eat right of course but not at the unexpected

expense(cost or otherwise) of others; imagine walking into Outback and

picking a table at random and say to the wait staff all my food goes

on that tables tab.

if you disclose your allergies and everything is agreed upon awesome.

Never expect your friends to remember it's not up to them to do so, if

they do awesome thank them profusely and eat merrily. if you don't

remind them or inquire to the menu and make arrangements then you get

the honour of sitting there eating nuts and carrots or worse the

embarrassment of you and guests when someone franticly goes over board

in trying to accommodate an unexpected challenge.

Just my two cents and cheap observations. I went GF Jan 1 2008 and

never looked back.

I love whats come of it and do what I need todo to make it work.

Cool Beans,

On Sun, Jul 13, 2008 at 11:36 PM, <TrVerb@...> wrote:

> Hi all. I had a pretty bad day yesterday in terms of dealing with other

> people's inability to deal with my having celiac and needing to sometimes be

> accommodated.<snip>

--

Bill Cosby - " Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on. "

[Guest guest]

Hi Tristan. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time with these events. I completely understand the pressures. I have always been upfront in these situations. Even when people try to accommodate you, they don't always understand what GF means and it can be awkward. I remember my mom going to great trouble to accommodate me, then she put all the burgers on one plate - some with buns already on them. ARGH!

As far as the shower goes - I probably would have told them in advance. I usually tell them I have dietary restrictions and the conversation progresses from there. I always offer to either eat before, or bring my own, or help with the menu, etc. So far it's been great.

About the wedding - it sounds like there's a lot more going on here. Weddings can be so emotionally charged. Usually I will contact the bride or groom and explain I have dietary restrictions and ask if it's okay for me to contact the caterer directly. Usually they are more than happy to not have to deal with it. Caterers are so used to these requests, they can deal with it easily. Of course, you usually end up with a bland piece of chicken with equally bland rice and veggies. But at least it's safe. )

Good luck with it! I hope you enjoy the wedding despite your mil!

Trudy

-------------- Original message -------------- From: TrVerb@... Hi all. I had a pretty bad day yesterday in terms of dealing with other people's inability to deal with my having celiac and needing to sometimes be accommodated. I would love to know how others have dealt with any or all of these issues. Feel free to tell me how I could have handled the situations better. You can even tell my that my mother-in-law is right... though I'm hoping you won't! This will be kind of long; just writing it will be helpful to me to process it and be done with it (I hope!).(1) I went to my niece's wedding shower luncheon yesterday afternoon -- this was my first real social event (other than evening parties where no one is paying attention to what you do or don't eat) since I was diagnosed at the end of Marc

h and I hadn't really prepared myself for how to deal with the food situation. I figured my sister-in-law wouldn't bother to tell the hostess (her best friend) about my having celiac but for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to tell the hostess myself (don't you get so tired of having to explain yourself!). Instead, I made sure I ate right before the event, I had crackers & fruit with me in case I did get hungry, and I figured I would just push whatever food they did give me around on the plate and pretend to eat it (that's a technique I learned from a Miss Manner's column on how to deal with food you don't like)... Unfortunately, it was a buffet and the two items provided both had bacon and chicken in them, neither of which I eat, and one of my nieces noticed the bacon and chicken and immediately said something about there being nothing for me to eat... so suddenly there was a big flurry of activity as my s-i-l and the hostess ransacked the kitchen looking for som

ething appropriate for me... I felt humiliated, like I was a petulant, demanding child; but I also felt badly for the hostess being put in the position of feeling like she had failed to provide properly for her guest. I kept telling the hostess that I'd already eaten but she clearly felt that it was her responsibility to provide me with lunch! Clearly I screwed up. I think now that I shouldI have contacted the hostess in advance to at the very least tell her I would provide for myself? How do you all deal with social situations like this? (3) Later, at my mother-and-father-in-law's house (with another of my husband's brothers and his girlfriend), I made the mistake of mentioning to my mother-in-law that I had spoken with the chef for my niece's wedding and that they were making me a special meal of gluten free vegetables and fish. Then my b-i-l and his girlfriend got bent out of shape because fish wasn't being offered to anyone else at the wedding. "Why are you gettin

g to have that? The choices were meat, chicken, or a vegetable dish!" they complained. I told them, "Because I happen to have an auto-immune disease and the caterers would prefer to not make me ill at the wedding." Then my m-i-l proceeded to tell me that I had no right to expect the caterer to accommodate me. When I replied that I'd been to another catered event and the caterer couldn't have been lovelier about reassuring me that I could eat without worry at the event and that it was ok to make special requests of a caterer because that's what caterers get paid to do - cater to people - she said, "Well, you're not paying for it so you have no right to make any requests. You just have to get used

to bringing your own food with you wherever you go." At that point I just got up and left and left my husband to deal with all of them.... Is she right, do I have no right to expect anyone I am not personally paying to make any accommodation for me? That strikes me as a negative way to live my life (and a selfish way for others to live theirs). At restaurants, I have been touched by how caring the staff is once they understand my dietary needs and I feel like having this disease has allowed me to give others the opportunity to be generous and kind - and so far, the only people who have failed in that are my in-laws and a few friends who have made it clear they will never invite me to dinner again (unless I bring my own dinner...). I am so grateful that after my diagnosis my husband immediately cleaned out all the gluten in our house and my mom bought every gf cookbook she could find and even joined a celiac support group where she lives!Whew, this was long, I'm really sorr

y, I just had to vent. Any advice or thoughts would be fantastic to hear. Thanks for listening!Tristan**************Get the scoop on last night's hottest shows and the live music scene in your area - Check out TourTracker.com!(http://www.tourtracker.com?NCID=aolmus00050000000112)

[Guest guest]

Hallelujah ! Great advice.

mb

--If it's urgent, call me!! I don't check my email everyday! Batavia 1102 Warfield Avenue Piedmont, CA 94610 510-465-2555 home 510-418-7696 cell

-------------- Original message -------------- From: " Luke" <peluke@...>

Goodness in reading this thread I've come to realize just how great myfriends are! everyone of them has accepted my intolerance and ran withwith it. of course there is the occasional ribbing about how good thebeer is or how much they enjoyed the dessert.My thoughts on your missive,I would have never contacted the caterer directly and esp with outpermission from the bride/groom who ever was paying for it. if theysay it's cool by all means go for it. but mention that if its going tocost more that you would pick that up.You have a right to eat right of course but not at the unexpectedexpense(cost or otherwise) of others; imagine walking into Outback andpicking a table at random and say to the wait staff all my food goeson that tables tab.if you disclose your allergies and everything is agreed upon awesome.Never expect your friends to remember it's not up to them to do so, ifthey do awesome thank them profusely and eat merrily. if you don'tremind them or inquire to the menu and make arrangements then you getthe honour of sitting there eating nuts and carrots or worse theembarrassment of you and guests when someone franticly goes over boardin trying to accommodate an unexpected challenge.Just my two cents and cheap observations. I went GF Jan 1 2008 andnever looked back.I love whats come of it and do what I need todo to make it work.Cool Beans,On Sun, Jul 13, 2008 at 11:36 PM, <TrVerb@...> wrote:> Hi all. I had a pretty bad day yesterday in terms of dealing with other> people's inability to deal with my having celiac and needing to sometimes be> accommodated.<snip>-- Bill Cosby - "Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on."

[Guest guest]

Again, as I clarified in my second email on this subject, I DID NOT contact the caterer without permission! I contacted them after my sister-in-law (the mom of the bride who is paying for the wedding) first talked to the caterers for me. I was simply calling to make sure they understood the issues. I am sorry I didn't make that clearer in my first email! My issue wasn't with the people actually paying for the wedding but with my mother-in-law, who thinks no one (including her) should ever be asked to accommodate me.

In a message dated 7/15/08 3:14:00 PM, peluke@... writes:

My thoughts on your missive,

I would have never contacted the caterer directly and esp with out

permission from the bride/groom who ever was paying for it. if they

say it's cool by all means go for it. but mention that if its going to

cost more that you would pick that up.

**************Get the scoop on last night's hottest shows and the live music scene in your area - Check out TourTracker.com! (http://www.tourtracker.com?NCID=aolmus00050000000112)