advice re: expectations of family/friends pls

[Guest guest]

Hi all. I had a pretty bad day yesterday in terms of dealing with other people's inability to deal with my having celiac and needing to sometimes be accommodated. I would love to know how others have dealt with any or all of these issues. Feel free to tell me how I could have handled the situations better. You can even tell my that my mother-in-law is right... though I'm hoping you won't! This will be kind of long; just writing it will be helpful to me to process it and be done with it (I hope!).

(1) I went to my niece's wedding shower luncheon yesterday afternoon -- this was my first real social event (other than evening parties where no one is paying attention to what you do or don't eat) since I was diagnosed at the end of March and I hadn't really prepared myself for how to deal with the food situation. I figured my sister-in-law wouldn't bother to tell the hostess (her best friend) about my having celiac but for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to tell the hostess myself (don't you get so tired of having to explain yourself!). Instead, I made sure I ate right before the event, I had crackers & fruit with me in case I did get hungry, and I figured I would just push whatever food they did give me around on the plate and pretend to eat it (that's a technique I learned from a Miss Manner's column on how to deal with food you don't like)... Unfortunately, it was a buffet and the two items provided both had bacon and chicken in them, neither of which I eat, and one of my nieces noticed the bacon and chicken and immediately said something about there being nothing for me to eat... so suddenly there was a big flurry of activity as my s-i-l and the hostess ransacked the kitchen looking for something appropriate for me... I felt humiliated, like I was a petulant, demanding child; but I also felt badly for the hostess being put in the position of feeling like she had failed to provide properly for her guest. I kept telling the hostess that I'd already eaten but she clearly felt that it was her responsibility to provide me with lunch! Clearly I screwed up. I think now that I shouldI have contacted the hostess in advance to at the very least tell her I would provide for myself? How do you all deal with social situations like this?

(3) Later, at my mother-and-father-in-law's house (with another of my husband's brothers and his girlfriend), I made the mistake of mentioning to my mother-in-law that I had spoken with the chef for my niece's wedding and that they were making me a special meal of gluten free vegetables and fish. Then my b-i-l and his girlfriend got bent out of shape because fish wasn't being offered to anyone else at the wedding. "Why are you getting to have that? The choices were meat, chicken, or a vegetable dish!" they complained. I told them, "Because I happen to have an auto-immune disease and the caterers would prefer to not make me ill at the wedding." Then my m-i-l proceeded to tell me that I had no right to expect the caterer to accommodate me. When I replied that I'd been to another catered event and the caterer couldn't have been lovelier about reassuring me that I could eat without worry at the event and that it was ok to make special requests of a caterer because that's what caterers get paid to do - cater to people - she said, "Well, you're not paying for it so you have no right to make any requests. You just have to get used to bringing your own food with you wherever you go." At that point I just got up and left and left my husband to deal with all of them.... Is she right, do I have no right to expect anyone I am not personally paying to make any accommodation for me? That strikes me as a negative way to live my life (and a selfish way for others to live theirs). At restaurants, I have been touched by how caring the staff is once they understand my dietary needs and I feel like having this disease has allowed me to give others the opportunity to be generous and kind - and so far, the only people who have failed in that are my in-laws and a few friends who have made it clear they will never invite me to dinner again (unless I bring my own dinner...). I am so grateful that after my diagnosis my husband immediately cleaned out all the gluten in our house and my mom bought every gf cookbook she could find and even joined a celiac support group where she lives!

Whew, this was long, I'm really sorry, I just had to vent. Any advice or thoughts would be fantastic to hear. Thanks for listening!

Tristan**************Get the scoop on last night's hottest shows and the live music scene in your area - Check out TourTracker.com! (http://www.tourtracker.com?NCID=aolmus00050000000112)