Re: Re: Any advice? Thanks in advance!

[Guest guest]

Hi,

 

I don't know if I can offer much hope, but I can sympathize.   My hubby was

totally against therapy of any sort until about a year ago-- when Maddy reached

age 7.   I knew that if anything ever happend to me, she was not going to get

her needs met.  I actually have therapists who were willing to step in, if this

situation ocurrs and yes, my life insurance and assets are conditional on her

getting her therapies.  It is sad that one has to go that far, but I will say,

that pushing a man, in my opinion only works aganst you.

 

Results are what has really helped get him involved.   We had no progress for so

long, that he said he jumped right to acceptance.  I am not sure I buy this or

if he just didn't want to go through all the griving stages, but once he saw

results, he got on board. 

 

Hang in there.  You are Christian's best advocate.  He needs you to be

positive.  I am so sorry that things are so tough for you and Christian right

now.  This too shall pass, even though it probably does not seem like it now. 

It will pass and you will be stronger for it.

 

I am reading a wonderful book titled, The Biology of Belief.  It is written by a

neurobiologist who uses quantum physics instead of Newtonian Physics in his

studies of cells.  It is excellent but pretty technical.  Anyway, he is from

Standford and has basically proven that environment is more important that

DNA/genetics/nature. 

 

His theory is that the cells in our bodies are constantly learning and growing

if they are not under chronic stress and  the cell membrane is actually the

brain of the cell , not the nucleus.  Anyway, what I am trying to say , is that

we have much, much more control over your environment than you know.  You can

control the level of support and stress that your boy gets when he is with

you.   This book was and is very inspirational to me, as I have had several

moments in my life that I can not explain how things happened, other than sheer

determination and a fixed belief that  we would get there i.e. Maddy walking. We

wre told she would never, ever walk, and now she runs up and down the stairs

atleat 20x a day!   

 

I am not sure why your ex wants him every other week, if he is disinterested,

but it might be good for you to have a break.   It might give you a chance to

recharge your batteries and I truly believe that the more positive persons will

have better influence over your child than the more negative ones.  I have seen

this with teachers and therapists.   Maddy responds to the people who believe in

her and have an energetic, positive outlook on her and her abilities and her

future.  She does not try with the negative persons.

 

Hang in there.  I know  that positive thinking is not much to go on, but I am

not sure you can  change your ex other than by showing him that you are happy

and that Christian is making progress with or without his help.

 

 

Sharon

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Sharon Lang

From: kiddietalk <kiddietalk@...>

Subject: [ ] Re: Any advice? Thanks in advance!

Date: Tuesday, December 9, 2008, 8:44 PM

You are doing a great job of keeping your chin up- but it's clear you

need support right now too. I have a number of emails below about

support -husbands in denial- but not sure which if any has advice

that will mean something to help you as I don't know enough about

your situation. May just be my opinion but why try to get your

husband to agree with the diagnosis or with going to therapy as it's

clear in your words he's moved on to a new family with new children

(in 2 months after your divorce?)

I'm not saying don't have him in Christian's life -of course he

should be- but it appears you are the primary care taker of Christian

right? Just let him know what you are doing and if he wants to take

part he will -and if not you'll be making sure that Christian has you

there. We have a number of single parents in this group who will

reach out to help you. One of them is Kathy who lost her husband in

a car accident when her apraxic twins were just 3 years old...and she

had 2 other young children as well!!! That was 7 years ago -Kathy

I'm sure would be happy to talk to you -or share with you here some

of what helped her in those early days.

About Christian's birth defects that he's overcoming -what are they?

what is the surgery that the poor little guy has to go through

again? He's so fortunate to have you. Give him a huge hug from

me!!!

What book did you read? The Late Talker?

Also what brand/formula/ dosage of fish oil did you try? On another

note if Christian is only 2 years old it may be a bit young to

definitely diagnose verbal apraxia -unless it's oral apraxia. Most

diagnose as " suspected apraxia " and appropriate therapy should begin

just in case. And if apraxia is suspected Christian should be taken

to a neurodevelopmental pediatrician or pediatric neurologist to

confirm or rule out any " soft signs " . Don't get more worried most

are subtle things that he can overcome via therapy, Also perhaps the

eval from a neurologist will bring your ex around to respect the

diagnosis? Try to stay away from the word " developmental "

or " childhood " as they both to the lay person (and the insurance

company) imply that your child will outgrow his " apraxia " and yes in

most cases it's not limited to speech -that's par for the course for

most apraxics.

Below is a huge amount of support archives...I hope some of these

help and please get back to us with a bit more information for us to

help!

Here's an archive for dealing with your husband from 2001 -this comes

up quite often and it's not always a bad thing:

Re: In the midst of despair there is hope!/denial

Hi Dani,

About husband issues with your 26 month old...What I want to say is

hard to explain and being that I'm writing it-and not talking right

to you- I hope it comes out right and you can understand.

What we see as denial in our husbands can sometimes be positive as

long as both parents-mom and dad work together (if possible-of course

single parents don't have to worry about these types of issues!) For

example, when wrote that beautiful post the other day about

overcoming hardship and despair with the support of her husband at

her side keep in mind that she wrote that about 13 years after she

was in the same situation as you. I know and her wonderful

family, and just because " at some point " husbands are there as

support systems for you as well in the way you want them to be

doesn't mean that they are not there all along.

Stress in the marriage is not uncommon when there is a child with a

disability of any sort. I mean even if you leave a child alone with

your husband to run to the store and you come back to find an ice

pack on your child's head there may be a bit of craziness between the

two of you until communication has a chance to help the understanding

part get it's job done. With the balance of the two parents-it

appears that children are able get the best of both worlds-they get

the fatherly push -and the motherly nurturing-and then the fatherly

nurturing and the motherly push.

Parenting isn't always easy-especially when we find out about

something that affects our precious and helpless children's life -we

as parents feel responsible to pick them up, brush them off and fix

what's wrong. We want to say " Mommy's (Daddy's) here sweetheart " and

make " it " all better. But even before that we first need to be ready

to hear, believe and accept that there is something -no matter how

minor or great- " wrong " .

Your husband walked in to find you hugging your baby and crying. The

word " wrong " is not welcomed in the best possible situations, but it

helps if it comes from the professionals instead of us. Let him be

the one to " kick them out of the house " like he says. Or walk out of

the neurologist' s office to find another opinion-and then another.

Not accepting right away a negative diagnosis is not a bad thing as

you will find out. I even found some links about this below you may

read..

And...After all-hypothetically he could be right. So why not " make

sure " and double and triple check and give it some time. Doesn't

mean the therapy can't start -just means that he doesn't have

to " accept it " yet. Not being ready to accept right away also

doesn't mean that he's not going to love and accept your child for

who they are and no matter where they end up. Lots of this I know.

You are not going to believe why-my husband was in denial too-but so

was I!!! When I was taking Tanner to therapy and worried about him

on one hand-in the back of my mind-I too believed that he would " just

start talking. " You know everyone has their age they accept. May be

three-may be five.

I understand there may be issues with outside of speech. I

understand that too. Your child is still young- I can tell you from

personal experience that even delays that are a combination of

physical and developmental challenges can be overcome-I know this

from my first born son Dakota-my miracle child. There is always

hope, which is the message that was trying to say. I hope I

said it OK. But if not-here are some links (and snips) that may help!

http://www.kidsourc e.com/NICHCY/ parenting. disab.all. 4.2.html

" If you have recently learned that your child is developmentally

delayed or has a disability (which may or may not be completely

defined), this message may be for you. It is written from the

personal perspective of a parent who has shared this experience and

all that goes with it.

When parents learn about any difficulty or problem in their child's

development, this information comes as a tremendous blow. The day my

child was diagnosed as having a disability, I was devastated -- and

so confused that I recall little else about those first days other

than the heartbreak. Another parent described this event as a " black

sack " being pulled down over her head, blocking her ability to hear,

see, and think in normal ways. Another parent described the trauma

as " having a knife stuck " in her heart. Perhaps these descriptions

seem a bit dramatic, yet it has been my experience that they may not

sufficiently describe the many emotions that flood parents' minds and

hearts when they receive any bad news about their child.

Many things can be done to help yourself through this period of

trauma. That is what this paper is all about. In order to talk about

some of the good things that can happen to alleviate the anxiety, let

us first take a look at some of the reactions that occur...

Common Reactions

On learning that their child may have a disability, most parents

react in ways that have been shared by all parents before them who

have also been faced with this disappointment and with this enormous

challenge. One of the first reactions is that of denial -- " This

cannot be happening to me, to my child, to our family. " Denial

rapidly merges with anger, which may be directed toward the medical

personnel who were involved in providing the information about the

child's problem. Anger can also color communication between husband

and wife or with grandparents or significant others in the family.

Early on, it seems that the anger is so intense that it touches

almost anyone, because it is triggered by the feelings of grief and

inexplicable loss that one does not know how to explain or deal

with... "

http://www.kidsourc e.com/NICHCY/ parenting. disab.all. 4.2.html

http://www.indiana. edu/~hperf558/ periodic. html

" Time-bound models of grief and mourning

These have been developed by a number of people (Bowlby, 1980; Engel,

1961; Kubler- Ross, 1969; Lindeman, 1944), but a representative model

(Clubb, 1991) describes a linear and temporal sequence of:

*impact

-shock, anxiety and disorganisation.

-Is short lived.

*denial

-protest.

-Is a defence mechanism.

*grief

-anger, guilt, despair, sadness, blame.

*reorganisation

-focussing attention outwards.

*closure

-acceptance.

The central and important concept in this model is that

of " acceptance " , which is implicit in a healthy adjustment, the

corollary being that failure to " accept " is maladaptive, pathological

and requires intervention. ..

Discussion

There is an emerging body of literature which is questioning the

concept of denial as maladaptive, and is providing some alternative

interpretations. (1993) challenges the traditional view, and

suggests that " ...denial buffers the individual against what is

sometimes a bleak reality " . He cautions health professionals against

asking their clients to be " unrealistically realistic " , distinguishes

between acceptance and adaptation, and states that successful

adaptation is not dependent upon acceptance.

(1989) has contributed a large body of work which relates to

peoples' ability to benefit from tragedy. She questions the long-held

assumption that accurate perceptions of reality are a critical

component of mental health and challenges the established wisdom. Her

research indicates that normal human thought and perception is marked

by positive, self-enhancing illusions about the self, the world and

the future. These she calls " positive illusions " , and believes they

are instrumental in enabling people to overcome adversity in their

lives. Brown (1993) raises the question of these positive illusions

being merely defence mechanisms in disguise, but draws a distinction

based upon defence mechanisms being unconscious and involving

distortions of reality, whereas positive illusions are a cognitive

reinterpretation which are subject to control and revision and, as

such do not involve major distortions of reality, but rather involve

variations in how reality is interpreted or represented. They are

seen as strategies which enable people to feel better and function

more effectively. Counsins (1989) says that an optimistic outlook

does not necessarily equate with a denial of reality. He provides an

interpretation which is based upon an understanding of reality, but a

refusal to accept the implications which this reality suggests... "

http://www.indiana. edu/~hperf558/ periodic. html

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