WHAT CHILDREN LOOK FOR IN A FRIEND PART 2

[Guest guest]

In Part 1, we discussed how important friendships are to children's

development. Children learn valuable skills while interacting with

other children. Many children who lack friends have serious problems

during childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. In this article we will

discuss why some children are accepted by their peers while others

are rejected.

WHAT CHILDREN LOOK FOR IN A FRIEND

When children are deciding whether to be friends with someone, they

seem to ask themselves certain " core questions. "

- Is this child fun to be with?

- Is this child trustworthy?

- Do we influence each other in ways I like?

- Does this child help me achieve my goals?

- Does this child make me feel good about myself?

- Is this child similar to me?

Of course, children rarely think about these questions consciously or

in these exact words. But research indicates that the answers to

these questions affect whether children will accept or reject a child.

The answers to these six core questions affect not only children's

friendships, but also other types of relationships such as parent-

child relationships, friendships among adults, and marital

relationships.

For children's friendships, some questions are more important at

certain ages. For example, preschool and early grade-school children

seem to care more about the first question. They are especially

likely to value friends who are fun to play with. In contrast,

adolescents often stress characteristics relevant to trustworthiness,

such as loyalty and keeping secrets.

How do children decide that someone else is fun to be with or is

trustworthy? An important basis for this decision is the other

child's behavior. Table 1 lists characteristics of children that tend

to be associated with acceptance and rejection by the peer group.

Each characteristic is listed next to the relevant core question.

Notice that some behaviors are relevant to more than one issue. For

example, a cooperative child is perceived as fun, as influencing

others in positive ways, and as helping others reach desired goals.

An aggressive child is often viewed as less fun to be with, as less

trustworthy, and as exerting influence in coercive ways.

Just because a child displays a certain negative characteristic does

not necessarily mean that the child will be rejected. A child's

relationship with peers is based on the entire pattern of his or her

behavior. Children's positive behaviors will help to offset some of

their less desirable behaviors. For example, a child who is sometimes

quite bossy may be accepted by other children if the child also has a

good sense of humor, is good at sports, and is sometimes quite

helpful or kind. In contrast, another bossy child who shows few

positive behaviors may be rejected.

As Table 1 suggests, there are many possible routes to becoming

rejected by peers. Different children may be disliked for very

different reasons. Some children seem to antagonize others by being

aggressive, while others annoy their peers by interrupting a lot.

Still others are seen as withdrawn and nonresponsive, or as

incompetent at valued peer activities like sports or games.

Although rejected children differ in many ways, there does seem to be

something they have in common: A large proportion of rejected

children are lacking in positive interaction skills, such as being

cooperative, helpful, or considerate toward others. This suggests

that it should be possible to help these children by teaching them

positive ways to interact with others. We will discuss this

possibility in the next issue. In preparation for this discussion, we

suggest that you observe two or three children in your group who seem

to lack friends. See if you can specify which of the skills in Table

1 they lack and which strengths they have. Consider discussing your

observations with other staff. This information may help you identify

the specific areas each child needs to work on. In the next issue we

will discuss ways to improve children's social skills.

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Table 1: CHARACTERISTICS ASSOCIATED WITH PEER ACCEPTANCE AND PEER

REJECTION, GROUPED ACCORDING TO SIX CORE QUESTIONS

------------------------------------------------------------

IS THIS CHILD FUN TO BE WITH?

ACCEPTANCE

- sense of humor

- resourceful/skillful

- participatory/readily involved

- cooperative

REJECTION

- aggressive/mean

- disruptive

- bossy/domineering

- withdrawn/apprehensive

- low cognitive skills

IS THIS CHILD TRUSTWORTHY?

ACCEPTANCE

- reliable

- honest

- loyal

REJECTION

- aggressive/mean

- dishonest

- betrays confidences

DO WE INFLUENCE EACH OTHER IN WAYS I LIKE?

ACCEPTANCE

- cooperative

- responsive

REJECTION

- aggressive/mean

- bossy/domineering

- resistant/rigid

DOES THIS CHILD FACILITATE AND NOT UNDERMINE MY GOALS?

ACCEPTANCE

- cooperative

- helpful

REJECTION

- disruptive

- impulsive

DOES THIS CHILD MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF?

ACCEPTANCE

- supportive/kind

- responsive

- likes me

REJECTION

- insulting/demeaning

- nonresponsive

- dislikes me

IS THIS CHILD SIMILAR TO ME?

ACCEPTANCE

- common values and interests

- respect for peer conventions

- same gender, race, age

REJECTION

- different values and interests

- nonconformity to peer conventions

- superior manner

- handicapped

http://www.nncc.org/Guidance/dc31_wo.friends2.html

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