Guest guest Posted March 17, 2000 Report Share Posted March 17, 2000 Hi NetDad, You might want to check out the book How to Behave So Your Children Will too. written by Sal Severe. Most of this book is very good, gentle discipline. Theresa in OR ---------- >From: intrntdad@... >onelist >Subject: Discipline >Date: Fri, Mar 17, 2000, 5:36 PM > > From: intrntdad@... > > My apologies to all in advance for raising this subject since it doesn't > appear to be -- at least on the face of it -- as grave as many issues that > are usually discussed here. > > I got to thinking about this after talking to a friend of mine at work who > told me that his 3 sons are very well behaved. He said they don't go into his > bedroom, nor into the living room. So, I say, why not. He says, because my > wife and I need our privacy in our bed room and the living room is where we > have some valuable furniture and that is where we receive guests. He says his > kids have their own separate room with TV where they spend most of their > time. I ask him how he enforces the rule and he says he spanks them if need > be to keep them straight. He says unless you take care of the problem now, it > gets out of control when they get older. > > In our house, the story is quite different. We have a hard time to even sit > down at the table and eat properly, because our kids -- a boy of 5 with > delayed myelin, 3.5 (boy) and 1.5 (girl) -- swarming all over us. One would > be sitting on mom's lap while another goes on my back, while the third tries > to climb on mom's back as we try to eat. Our house really looks like a mad > house. That would be ok, if they would just give us some time to ourselves, > especially all we want to do is use the time to discuss peacefully on how to > serve them. They do not play by themselves. It has to be with mom or dad. > That would be ok, too, but the problem is they don't get tired and if we keep > on like this, we are going to have a heart attack. > > I had always believed that every family intuitively knew how to raise their > kids because nature would endow them with this ability. I thought every > parent would know how their kids responded to their environment and adjust as > necessary and all would work out fine. I am not sure anymore. > > The cause of our problem may be that my wife and I are afraid of hurting our > kids emotionally and do not want to (or know) how to discipline our kids. > Especially we have a problem disciplining our oldest son, even though we know > he sometimes responds well to discipline (by crying if you yelled at him, for > example), we are afraid some of the behaviors he exhibits may be necessary > for his nervous system to function properly. We do not want to put > unnecessary stress on him. So that makes his discipline problem doubly > difficluly. > > The other two -- a boy and a girl -- however, could be desciplined with good > result if we just knew how we could do it short of punishment. > > Would appreciate any words of wisdom on this touchy subject. > > NetDad, feeling lousy from guilt for giving out his kids' secret. > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > GET A NEXTCARD VISA, in 30 seconds! Get rates > as low as 0.0% Intro APR and no hidden fees. > Apply NOW! > 1/975/3/_/531051/_/953314638/ > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing > listserv@... . > In the body of your message write: > subscribe OCD-L your name. > The Archives and Links List for the OCD and > Parenting List may be accessed by going to > / . > Enter your email address and password. > Click on the highlighted list name and then click on message archives by > month or links located in the toolbar. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 17, 2000 Report Share Posted March 17, 2000 NetDad, I understand the delema you have. We also figured that we'd go with the flow, until we started to protest our lack of time together! Fortunatly, our kids love to sleep! For general parenting skills I recommend Barbara Colorosa (sp?). I think her most famous book is " Kids are Worth It " . You can get books or videos with her common sense advice through public libraries. One important thing that she stresses is that Parents have rights too! The kids might be ready to learn to have quiet time alone (ME time). I would start with short periods, say 5-10 minutes where they entertain themselves in a SAFE area. As they respond, the time can be stretched. This is not a punishment, so do this as you would eat, sleep or go for a walk: " Now its ME time " ! As far as consequencing goes, any separation from the others is enough for the ages of your kids. I would ask the offender to sit on a chair just out of reach of everyone for a few minutes (some say minutes=age). When the time's up, back into the activity. This teaches them that socialy you dont get along if you dont follow the social cue's. Hitting and yelling teaches them that violence gets results. Both reflect a lack of consideration for the persons ability to control without dominating. These are negative role modelling examples. Would you want child #1 to hit child #2 when she doesnt do as he says? We have made our bed OUR safe place. That means, if your sick or something, then you get to sleep with me or their dad, otherwise, no deal! When they were little, I kept a small mattress on the floor beside my side for the night walkers. They were all out of cribs by 2 (they broke them!). When they were little we taught them to knock on doors, and we knocked on their doors, to role model. We are fairly 'polite' people, so it makes sense that our kids follow the example. We find that the more we role model, the easier it is for everyone. I must mention that my husband was diagnosed a few years ago with OCD, so things have changed since the kids were little!!! SO, with all this going on, when do you get ME time??? eh? take care, wendy in canada wb4@... ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 24, 2000 Report Share Posted March 24, 2000 Hi: Wow, do we have a skillful lot of parents on this list or what! I had to print this out as there are so many marvellous suggestions. Learning how to cope with OCD for our family has been intimately connected with improving our parenting. It was hard to face that we were not doing a good enough job but the evidence was inescapable. We had to improve a great deal in the area of consistency, and taking our duty as a parent to be the paramount one. No more being a buddy nor being too laissez faire. Now we get compliments about how well our kids behave; even though there is still some improvement needed. The biggest plus is that life at home is a lot better for us all once we learned not to be nice first, but to be parents first. Our kids have renewed respect for us as they know we mean business, in a warm, loving and caring way. When we slip up I just say " Do we need to pay a shrink $200 an hour to set us straight on this or can we do for ourselves? " That gets us reoriented in a New York minute. All kidding aside, raising special needs kids requires excellent parenting skills and what was good enough for us before OCD is just not up to scratch for coping with OCD and other alphabet soup. Thanks Netdad for sharing all this wonderful info. Take care, aloha, Kathy (H) kathyh@... At 04:21 PM 03/24/2000 -0500, you wrote: >From: intrntdad@... > >Hello all, > >I got a ton of replies on this topic and thought i would share with others >who may be interested in this topic by relaying to you what others have >replied to me. > >One thing I forgot to point out in my last post was that my kids are really >angels as far as discipline is concerned and many people are envious of us >for having such great kids. The only problem is that they are too attached to >us and are living in some kind of a bubble. > >Thanks again to all, >NetDad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2000 Report Share Posted April 24, 2000 Hi Guys, I need some help! Four months ago I bought two rice paper lamps for my hall way and have had them on every night up until two weeks ago. That's when decided that she couldn't have them on anymore. ( If they had been on she wouldn't be able to sleep). So she started turning them off and I'd put them back on. I decided that I wasn't going to give into this one, as we have let her have her own way on so many other issues that effect family life. Anyway last night I stood in front of the lamp and said NO it stays on. After a good 15 mins of a screaming tantrum she grabbed my arm and bite me so hard it drew blood. My husband was so ANGRY as this is not the first time she has been physically abusive to me. He told her to apologise and go to her room, but she refused too. So my husband held her arm and steered her to her room. She hit him over and over, scream disgusting things to him and spat in his face, then she leant up against the wall with a huge smile on her face. We have taken every privilege away from her months ago for similar behaviour so what do we do next. I'd love to call the police but with the language barrier here they would probably arrest me. I'm still waiting for my book to come from Amazon. OCD in Children and Adolescents. So in the mean time if anyone has any suggestions on discipline I'd love to hear them. . Re: laundry > and Shellie, > > Ziv and Yigal leave their clothes around all the time. This disturbs the >others and can set them off if they are tired! Ziv is worst! What I have her >doing is: once every 2 days or so, I ask her in private, to do a round up of >her things. She doesnt refuse because I've asked her in private and because >she knows that if she leaves the clothes the others will start 'flipping >out' on her! She must clean up her room by every Friday (clothes off the >floor, tidy books, etc) or she has no social life until its done. We tried >every other method and this is the only one that worked. It gave her the >most power to decide what is best for herself. When the days were divided by >task (ie. monday books, tuesday pants,...) she felt that it never ended. > > Some suggestions are to divide up what you want them to pick up. Perhaps >starting with outer clothing and working in? Divide the time or day you want >them to pick up their things, or consider deciding what is the most >important to all of you at this point: picking up the clothes, providing >disposable gloves if necessary, or have your child pick up what they can, >and you do the rest (but be consistent!) After a while of your compromise, >you should be able to renegotiate to have your kids do more and you less... >Its another one of those Pick your Battles situation!! > >This too will be conquered! Derrick and will be relieved when they >do, believe me!! > >take care, wendy in canada >============================ >>I thought I had the only child with the dropping of clothes everywhere and >>not being able to remove them. I spend half my day picking up my daughters >>clothes and doing the Laundry. ... > >>What do i do? he also drops them where ever, all over the house. And like i >>said he will not pick them up once the clothes have been on his body. how >>do i break this horrible cycle? > Shellie in British Columbia, Canada >________________________________________________________________________ >Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Your high school sweetheart-where is he now? With 4.4 million alumni >already registered at Classmates.com, there's a good chance you'll >find her here. Visit your online high school class reunion at: >1/3139/3/_/531051/_/956548057/ >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > >You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing listserv@... . In the body of your message write: subscribe OCD-L your name. The Archives, Files, and Features List for the may be accessed by going to , enter your email address and password, then point and click. Subscription issues, problems, or suggestions may be addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at harkins@... . > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2000 Report Share Posted April 24, 2000 , I don't have the answer, but I was just going to post a question almost like yours, WHERE DOES OCD END AND BAD BEHAVIOR BEGIN? I know everyone keeps saying its the OCD not them, but OCD or not this type of behavoir is not cutting it for me anymore, My son starts to bang things and threw things as he passes them. Call me names that who make any adult kill there kid. I on the other hand, in reading books on OCD and post, have learned that this is the OCD talking, but I think if they are allowed to do this, how would you be able to tell what behavior is what. I told my son the other night that I was going to lock him outside if he didn't stop, I went in his room, which I am not allowed to do because I am contaminated, and I grab his arm and said get out I'm not kidding, he stop and said no go away, I said Jona the next time you bang one thing in this house you are going to be locked out do you here me, I'm not kidding, and I wasn't, I am tired of it and I refuse to be a subject to this type of actions anymore. OCD or not, if my other two boys ever spoke to me the way he does, they would be dead! So if anyone has any answers I am willing to listen, or Jona will be hanging outside, Pat ---------- > From: Harmsworth <kharms@...> > egroups > Subject: Re: discipline > Date: Monday, April 24, 2000 9:21 AM > > Hi Guys, > I need some help! Four months ago I bought two rice paper lamps for my hall > way and have had them on every night up until two weeks ago. That's when > decided that she couldn't have them on anymore. ( If they had been on > she wouldn't be able to sleep). So she started turning them off and I'd put > them back on. I decided that I wasn't going to give into this one, as we > have let her have her own way on so many other issues that effect family > life. Anyway last night I stood in front of the lamp and said NO it stays > on. After a good 15 mins of a screaming tantrum she grabbed my arm and bite > me so hard it drew blood. My husband was so ANGRY as this is not the first > time she has been physically abusive to me. He told her to apologise and go > to her room, but she refused too. So my husband held her arm and steered her > to her room. She hit him over and over, scream disgusting things to him and > spat in his face, then she leant up against the wall with a huge smile on > her face. We have taken every privilege away from her months ago for > similar behaviour so what do we do next. I'd love to call the police but > with the language barrier here they would probably arrest me. I'm still > waiting for my book to come from Amazon. OCD in Children and Adolescents. So > in the mean time if anyone has any suggestions on discipline I'd love to > hear them. > . > Re: laundry > > > > and Shellie, > > > > Ziv and Yigal leave their clothes around all the time. This disturbs the > >others and can set them off if they are tired! Ziv is worst! What I have > her > >doing is: once every 2 days or so, I ask her in private, to do a round up > of > >her things. She doesnt refuse because I've asked her in private and because > >she knows that if she leaves the clothes the others will start 'flipping > >out' on her! She must clean up her room by every Friday (clothes off the > >floor, tidy books, etc) or she has no social life until its done. We tried > >every other method and this is the only one that worked. It gave her the > >most power to decide what is best for herself. When the days were divided > by > >task (ie. monday books, tuesday pants,...) she felt that it never ended. > > > > Some suggestions are to divide up what you want them to pick up. Perhaps > >starting with outer clothing and working in? Divide the time or day you > want > >them to pick up their things, or consider deciding what is the most > >important to all of you at this point: picking up the clothes, providing > >disposable gloves if necessary, or have your child pick up what they can, > >and you do the rest (but be consistent!) After a while of your compromise, > >you should be able to renegotiate to have your kids do more and you less... > >Its another one of those Pick your Battles situation!! > > > >This too will be conquered! Derrick and will be relieved when they > >do, believe me!! > > > >take care, wendy in canada > >============================ > >>I thought I had the only child with the dropping of clothes everywhere and > >>not being able to remove them. I spend half my day picking up my > daughters > >>clothes and doing the Laundry. ... > > >>What do i do? he also drops them where ever, all over the house. And like > i > >>said he will not pick them up once the clothes have been on his body. how > >>do i break this horrible cycle? > Shellie in British Columbia, Canada > >________________________________________________________________________ > >Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com > > > > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > >Your high school sweetheart-where is he now? With 4.4 million alumni > >already registered at Classmates.com, there's a good chance you'll > >find her here. Visit your online high school class reunion at: > >1/3139/3/_/531051/_/956548057/ > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > > >You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing listserv@... . In > the body of your message write: subscribe OCD-L your name. The Archives, > Files, and Features List for the may be accessed by > going to , enter your email address and password, > then point and click. Subscription issues, problems, or suggestions may be > addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at harkins@... . > > > > > > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > *--- FREE VOICEMAIL FOR YOUR HOME PHONE! ---* > With eVoice Now you can keep in touch with clients, vendors, co-workers, > friends and family ANYTIME, ANYWHERE. Sign Up Today for your FREE! > 1/3426/3/_/531051/_/956582284/ > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing listserv@... . In the body of your message write: subscribe OCD-L your name. The Archives, Files, and Features List for the may be accessed by going to , enter your email address and password, then point and click. Subscription issues, problems, or suggestions may be addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at harkins@... . > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2000 Report Share Posted April 24, 2000 I don't have all the answers either but to quote Churchill " there are some things up with which I will not put! " ..........or something like that. When I think of OCD as, essentially, not being able to find your own " off " button, I realize that sometimes external forces need to find it for you. All of us have different thresholds, or different ideas of what it is that MUST stop or never happen again, or what we're willing to tolerate until more help/answers are available. Setting limits is not a cure for OCD, OCD is tricky and will find another outlet or manifestation of symptoms. But all of us have a breaking point. When Ava was 4 yrs old, almost 5, she was still getting out of bed every few minutes after I put her in. I tried everything, rewards, taking stuff away, long term big rewards, immediate ones, laying down with her. Some things didn't work and some only worked for awhile. She was having scary intrusive thoughts (I didn't know that then, I didn't know about OCD), and who knows what else that was making her pop up out of bed to come and find me. Then one night I just HAD it! I could not spend all day with her and then all my nighttime waking hours too. I needed some ME time and I was a single parent. I put her in her room and calmly told her that I was out of ideas and that from this night forward if she got out even once I would go down to the hardware store the next day, buy a padlock for her door and lock her in every night with no exceptions. She said " but I get a second chance then right? " I said nope, this ends tonight, I will never deal with this again - either because you stop or because the door is padlocked. I said, oh, and by the way, if I don't have to buy a lock tomorrow I'll buy you a powdered donut(her favorite " forbidden " treat) instead. I was totally prepared to buy the lock but I never had to. She quickly found other annoying things to do, but not after bedtime. It was also probably pretty distressing to her to not come out of her room when she had scary thoughts or whatever, but she was more scared of being locked in. This was somewhat mean on my part in a way, after all, it's not her fault she has OCD, but I'm human too and no one's life can be perfect, including hers. Violence in my home is something that I can't live with. I think I would try to come up with a more grown up version of buying a padlock if Ava got violent or verbally abusive with me. My husband used to have violent (hitting things, not me), verbally abusive OCD induced rages but I told him if he raised his voice, made aggressive gestures or used foul language I would put him out. Now he is withdrawn and hard to be around when his OCD is waxing, and that is not good either, but I won't live with violence or verbal abuse! I don't mean for anyone to feel bad about themselves if they are living with this; I'm just saying what I did for me. As far as locking your son out of the house, make sure that it doesn't violate any laws. You don't need protective services coming after you for neglect or child endangerment! Have you considered taking him to the emergency room when he is violent? After Ava ran away a few weeks ago I made an appointment to have a complete screening at the hospital of neuroscience. I had been looking for a new doctor anyway and had made the initial plans already to go there. In the meantime, I told her that children of her age who act in such a reckless and rebellious manner are not " typical " . I said that maybe she didn't know that so I was telling her. I told her that if she did it again, or even threatened it loud enough for me to hear her, I would immediately take her to the emergency room and they would decide if she needed to stay in the hospital because she was acting in an unsafe way that reflected some deeper problems that needed to be looked at. She said, but I'm not crazy Mom! I said, well I didn't think so, which is why I'm telling you that running away at 12 yrs old is considered " crazy " , although doctors have other words that are better, and if you do that again we'll have to pursue finding out what those other words are. Maybe I'm being naive here, but I think OCD or not, there are some things we just can not let our children do. I feel for you in this difficult situation. Dana in NC Kens022 wrote: > , > > I don't have the answer, but I was just going to post a question almost > like yours, WHERE DOES OCD END AND BAD BEHAVIOR BEGIN? I know everyone > keeps saying its the OCD not them, but OCD or not this type of behavoir is > not cutting it for me anymore, My son starts to bang things and threw > things as he passes them. Call me names that who make any adult kill there > kid. I on the other hand, in reading books on OCD and post, have learned > that this is the OCD talking, but I think if they are allowed to do this, > how would you be able to tell what behavior is what. I told my son the > other night that I was going to lock him outside if he didn't stop, I went > in his room, which I am not allowed to do because I am contaminated, and I > grab his arm and said get out I'm not kidding, he stop and said no go away, > I said Jona the next time you bang one thing in this house you are going to > be locked out do you here me, I'm not kidding, and I wasn't, I am tired of > it and I refuse to be a subject to this type of actions anymore. OCD or > not, if my other two boys ever spoke to me the way he does, they would be > dead! So if anyone has any answers I am willing to listen, or Jona will be > hanging outside, > > Pat > > ---------- > > From: Harmsworth <kharms@...> > > egroups > > Subject: Re: discipline > > Date: Monday, April 24, 2000 9:21 AM > > > > Hi Guys, > > I need some help! Four months ago I bought two rice paper lamps for my > hall > > way and have had them on every night up until two weeks ago. That's when > > decided that she couldn't have them on anymore. ( If they had been > on > > she wouldn't be able to sleep). So she started turning them off and I'd > put > > them back on. I decided that I wasn't going to give into this one, as we > > have let her have her own way on so many other issues that effect family > > life. Anyway last night I stood in front of the lamp and said NO it stays > > on. After a good 15 mins of a screaming tantrum she grabbed my arm and > bite > > me so hard it drew blood. My husband was so ANGRY as this is not the > first > > time she has been physically abusive to me. He told her to apologise and > go > > to her room, but she refused too. So my husband held her arm and steered > her > > to her room. She hit him over and over, scream disgusting things to him > and > > spat in his face, then she leant up against the wall with a huge smile on > > her face. We have taken every privilege away from her months ago for > > similar behaviour so what do we do next. I'd love to call the police but > > with the language barrier here they would probably arrest me. I'm still > > waiting for my book to come from Amazon. OCD in Children and Adolescents. > So > > in the mean time if anyone has any suggestions on discipline I'd love to > > hear them. > > . > > Re: laundry > > > > > > > and Shellie, > > > > > > Ziv and Yigal leave their clothes around all the time. This disturbs > the > > >others and can set them off if they are tired! Ziv is worst! What I have > > her > > >doing is: once every 2 days or so, I ask her in private, to do a round > up > > of > > >her things. She doesnt refuse because I've asked her in private and > because > > >she knows that if she leaves the clothes the others will start 'flipping > > >out' on her! She must clean up her room by every Friday (clothes off > the > > >floor, tidy books, etc) or she has no social life until its done. We > tried > > >every other method and this is the only one that worked. It gave her the > > >most power to decide what is best for herself. When the days were > divided > > by > > >task (ie. monday books, tuesday pants,...) she felt that it never ended. > > > > > > Some suggestions are to divide up what you want them to pick up. > Perhaps > > >starting with outer clothing and working in? Divide the time or day you > > want > > >them to pick up their things, or consider deciding what is the most > > >important to all of you at this point: picking up the clothes, providing > > >disposable gloves if necessary, or have your child pick up what they > can, > > >and you do the rest (but be consistent!) After a while of your > compromise, > > >you should be able to renegotiate to have your kids do more and you > less... > > >Its another one of those Pick your Battles situation!! > > > > > >This too will be conquered! Derrick and will be relieved when > they > > >do, believe me!! > > > > > >take care, wendy in canada > > >============================ > > >>I thought I had the only child with the dropping of clothes everywhere > and > > >>not being able to remove them. I spend half my day picking up my > > daughters > > >>clothes and doing the Laundry. ... > > > >>What do i do? he also drops them where ever, all over the house. And > like > > i > > >>said he will not pick them up once the clothes have been on his body. > how > > >>do i break this horrible cycle? > Shellie in British Columbia, > Canada > > >________________________________________________________________________ > > >Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com > > > > > > > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > >Your high school sweetheart-where is he now? With 4.4 million alumni > > >already registered at Classmates.com, there's a good chance you'll > > >find her here. Visit your online high school class reunion at: > > >1/3139/3/_/531051/_/956548057/ > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > > > > >You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing listserv@... . In > > the body of your message write: subscribe OCD-L your name. The > Archives, > > Files, and Features List for the may be accessed > by > > going to , enter your email address and password, > > then point and click. Subscription issues, problems, or suggestions may > be > > addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at harkins@... . > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > *--- FREE VOICEMAIL FOR YOUR HOME PHONE! ---* > > With eVoice Now you can keep in touch with clients, vendors, co-workers, > > friends and family ANYTIME, ANYWHERE. Sign Up Today for your FREE! > > 1/3426/3/_/531051/_/956582284/ > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > > > You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing listserv@... . In > the body of your message write: subscribe OCD-L your name. The Archives, > Files, and Features List for the may be accessed by > going to , enter your email address and password, > then point and click. Subscription issues, problems, or suggestions may > be addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at harkins@... . > > > > > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > You have a voice mail message waiting for you at iHello.com: > 1/3555/3/_/531051/_/956584954/ > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing listserv@... . In the body of your message write: subscribe OCD-L your name. The Archives, Files, and Features List for the may be accessed by going to , enter your email address and password, then point and click. Subscription issues, problems, or suggestions may be addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at harkins@... . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 13, 2002 Report Share Posted May 13, 2002 In a message dated 5/13/02 3:07:18 PM, four_eyes1972@... writes: << My question is this. How do you all discipline your children? I need to impress upon my daughter the fact the certain things are no- no's, period. Any Ideas and opinions would be appreciated. >> Natural consequences work best with those of us on the spectrum. The thing is, for ANY kind of discipline to work, the child hasta have a sense of cause adn effect 1st. Given her age, etc, your daughter probably doesnt yet (given that most completely NT children don't until they're about 5). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 13, 2002 Report Share Posted May 13, 2002 Hi there Leigh At first I tryed spanking my daughter too, she just laughed at me. She thought it was some game. She is four. Now the steps I follow that work are 1. First I say no in a loud firm voice that means business (if she continues) 2. I put her in a time-out room. ( I stay in this room so she does not leave it but I acqnore her temper/tantrum that occurs during this. 3. Once she calms down from being taken away from what she is doing I then give her positive attention and she can leave the room. 4. If she repeats the procedure happens all over again This does work. Eventually she learns what no means and does not like being taken away from what she enjoys doing. Her temper/tantrums have decreased alot the last year. Some people use a mat instead of a time out room. I hope to learn how to use this next so I can take the mat with me. I am still waiting to be shown how to use the mat though. Hope this helps . Discipline > I had such an awful day on Sunday with my daughter. First she got > out of the house into the backyard and right into the swimming pool. > Now, the pool is 3 ft deep, and the backyard is fenced in, but > still. I was so mad and scared at the same time. She also got into > the baby's crib twice, with the baby in it. Now, each time, I gave > her a smack on the butt. This just doesn't seem right, plus it > really doesn't do much good. I wonder if she realizes she is being > punished. She is 6 years old, non-verbal, autistic and trainable > mentally handicapped. > > My question is this. How do you all discipline your children? I > need to impress upon my daughter the fact the certain things are no- > no's, period. Any Ideas and opinions would be appreciated. > > Thanks, > Leigh > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2002 Report Share Posted May 14, 2002 Leigh, My best results come when I physically remove my daughter from the situation and use my 'dog training' voice to say NO!. It also helps to put your face at their level and in their face. This works wonderfully with toddlers, too. Tone of voice is so important when disciplining/training/teaching children and animals. The lower, the better. The deeper you can make your voice, the more authority you will have. The calmer you are, the more positively they will respond because you seem in control. Hope this helps. Has worked well for me.#Camillle mother of Margot, 8 __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2002 Report Share Posted May 14, 2002 At 5/14/02 10:01 AM -0700, you wrote: >Tone of voice is so important >when disciplining/training/teaching children and >animals. The lower, the better. The deeper you can >make your voice, the more authority you will have. >The calmer you are, the more positively they will >respond because you seem in control. This is exactly the advice I've gotten from my (very good) psychologist. She always says Low and Slow, and Smokey-Bear firm. It helps me remain in control as well. I am a strong believer that spanking doesn't work. Not that I haven't done it, I have, but I've always regretted it, it's always been when I was out of control angry/upset/scared and I think it just teaches my daughter to hit when she's angry, not a message I want to send! Mandie Caitie (April 17, 1998) and Molly (February 8, 2000) " Children aren't fooled. They know we give time to the things we love. " - Bradshaw Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 2002 Report Share Posted May 14, 2002 Hello, This is the same thing I do with my daughter. I also make sure that we make eye contact with each other. And I also hold her shoulders firmly when talking to her !! Re: Discipline Leigh, My best results come when I physically remove my daughter from the situation and use my 'dog training' voice to say NO!. It also helps to put your face at their level and in their face. This works wonderfully with toddlers, too. Tone of voice is so important when disciplining/training/teaching children and animals. The lower, the better. The deeper you can make your voice, the more authority you will have. The calmer you are, the more positively they will respond because you seem in control. Hope this helps. Has worked well for me.#Camillle mother of Margot, 8 __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 2, 2002 Report Share Posted September 2, 2002 Hi MM's mom(Donna), Boy! Can I relate with them understanding a lot more than we give them credit for as he has gotten older. I, too, have had to put my foot down as I realized that was getting older and stronger. Many times he would have a cow for something that really triggered his agressive behavior and his world revolved around his favorite Disney movies, well, when he would get into one of those moods, I would wheel his TV, VCR, & all his tapes into the garage and lock it up until he had calmed down. I even made him say, sorry, now I'm using pics of facial/emotion expressions. Boy, was he mad, I just ignored it, of course it hurt me to do it, but it has paid off, because I wanted to learn I meant business. This was also when I did not understand the reasons behind what had stirred his behavior. I also have him jump on a small indoor trampoline and it has reduced his sensory overload. I include the PICS, watch what he eats, which has reduced his behavior and great timing for his toliet-training schedule, he is doing great with supervision as he will hold his urine for a long time. But, thanks to the author Temple Grandin, to this day has to wear an alarm watch to remind her to go to the restroom about every 2 hrs., has made me realize that these were part of the SI. So any new changes, its always lets do this first, then video, favorite food item with or without the pics as he is starting to understand the steps, even verbally has helped. I can take him to several limited place to restaurants, certain theatre's, certain family or friends home of course not 100% but its a sigh of relief. I bet we have so much to share and I shall stop here. I enjoy reading what you have to share as well as many on the list. Take care. Irma,14,DS/ASD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 2, 2002 Report Share Posted September 2, 2002 ----Original Message Follows---- From: " mum592001 " <ICANFIELD@...> You are so right Irma: We must let our son's know that we must be obeyed!!! That aggression is unacceptable. Without those 2 things, they will end up being locked u by someone and we will not be able to stop it. I also use the Primax Principle. Also called the Grandma Method. Some people call it " Do this and then you get that..... but this time of year it is helpful to know the different names so that we " Professional " parents can teach the " professionals " in the school!! This is the method where before the child gets to do his preferred activity, he must do what is required. This negotiating is very tiresome, but it sure beats the constant negativity. Besides, negotiating is a good skill to learn. Let me give you today's yuck of the day: Elie woke up late - about 9 AM. I heard him playing and went in his room where he greated me with " No breakfast please " . Since he frequently is not hungry with the new med, I replied - OK let me know when you are hungry. Five minutes later he came to me and said Lunch NOW. Hamburger, FF, please. He knows that he will not get that for breakfast so he wanted it to be lunch time!!!. We also are now able to use money in a limited way - Elie gets paid $1.00/wk if he puts his clothes away, puts his toys away (a very new skill), and takes his dirty plates to the kitchen after eating. After 3 weeks, he has enough to go to McD (I pay the tax). In between, he can earn extra money with his mentor for cleaning at the firehouse or good behavior when in the community. For this he gets $1 also which he uses to go to the dollar store. He makes no connection between these different payments and has no real idea about saving although he is doing that for McD. Funny how some ideas make it into the brain and some do not! Sara Reply- Subject: Re: discipline Date: Mon, 02 Sep 2002 18:54:02 -0000 Hi MM's mom(Donna), Boy! Can I relate with them understanding a lot more than we give them credit for as he has gotten older. I, too, have had to put my foot down as I realized that was getting older and stronger. Many times he would have a cow for something that really triggered his agressive behavior and his world revolved around his favorite Disney movies, well, when he would get into one of those moods, I would wheel his TV, VCR, & all his tapes into the garage and lock it up until he had calmed down. I even made him say, sorry, now I'm using pics of facial/emotion expressions. Boy, was he mad, I just ignored it, of course it hurt me to do it, but it has paid off, because I wanted to learn I meant business. This was also when I did not understand the reasons behind what had stirred his behavior. I also have him jump on a small indoor trampoline and it has reduced his sensory overload. I include the PICS, watch what he eats, which has reduced his behavior and great timing for his toliet-training schedule, he is doing great with supervision as he will hold his urine for a long time. But, thanks to the author Temple Grandin, to this day has to wear an alarm watch to remind her to go to the restroom about every 2 hrs., has made me realize that these were part of the SI. So any new changes, its always lets do this first, then video, favorite food item with or without the pics as he is starting to understand the steps, even verbally has helped. I can take him to several limited place to restaurants, certain theatre's, certain family or friends home of course not 100% but its a sigh of relief. I bet we have so much to share and I shall stop here. I enjoy reading what you have to share as well as many on the list. Take care. Irma,14,DS/ASD Sara - Choose to make lemonade, not complain about the lemons. _________________________________________________________________ Send and receive Hotmail on your mobile device: http://mobile.msn.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 3, 2002 Report Share Posted September 3, 2002 i really loved your post! I get soo worried, especially lately arguing with nathan its seems like its all we are doing anymore, the other day i felt soo bad he kept repeatedly yelljing at me about food or something orantoher and i was standing my ground refusing until suppertime, and reminding him of that time but he wouldnt stop and i smacked him across the mouth, he was upset, and cried some, and he did lessen his tantrum some, but i refuse to hit my kids, and felt soo terrible i was almost in tears after i did it, he is driving us nuts, he wont just sit and relax always in the fridge or in the cars we take him for a ride he wants to go home, or visaversa, he is never satisfied and wont leave us be, we love our son but are tired after a full days work want to relax. sorry about the vent. shawna. --- dtycer@... wrote: > Laurie, > I dont know how old Mic is, but my son, Monty, > is 20. It helps me so > much to understand that he is a functioning 4 year > old! I treat him like a > normal 4 year old, with a lot of respect and love, > but dicipline, too. He > does understand! He is nonverbal, but he > understands a lot more then even > we give him credit for. > I do not tolerate aggression. I will give him > a time out if warrented. > He has gone thru stages of hair pulling, head > butting, pinching, slapping, > biting, etc,...just like any 2 or 3 year old will > do. Do NOT let Mic get > away with this. Sometimes I have had to back off > and let Montyman's Dad do > the discipline, as he got older and stronger, and my > rebukes didnt matter. > The head butting was a serious matter, Montyman > thought it was loads of fun! > He started headbutting classmates, teachers, > grandkids, anyone who would get > close enough. No one would do anything about it, > until he cought me one day. > One day he caught his Dad, unsuspecting, and his > Dad, by refelx and very > swiftly, slapped him across the face, got into his > face and told him > " NO! " ....WELL, at first, I, being the Mom and > female, stood to my feet in > protest, (tho thank Goodness I didnt say a > word!)...I wanted to run to my > son's defense, but left the room instead. Montyman > almost cried, but he > walked out of the room looking perplexed. I watched > him look over his > shoulder, with a 'almost cry' look on his face, > which turned into a smile, > which turned into a 'wow' look. Just like a normal > hard headed teenager who > still wants to know Dad 'still has it'...and test's > his authority We have > not seen one head butt since! That was 3 years ago! > Dad later told me he > felt so bad but it was a reflex, I assured him it > was the best thing he could > have done! I believe a pop on the butt or leg would > have meant nothing to > Montyman! > Monty understands 'No' very well, and I have > seen that with the respect > of speaking to him like a normal person, considering > him, encluding him, > treating him as one of the family, just like we did > our other 4 kids, thru > the years, ministering to their needs and individual > personalities,....(some > kid's are just more stubbern than > others!).......it's so easy to think of our > ds-asd kids as having minds like an infant...not > true. Heck, I live on a > farm, have horses, cats, dogs, ....pea brained > chickens.......all can be > taught and diciplined! Well, not the chickens! > LOL!! But you get my drift. > Brace up, Mom, and be a Mom! Mic needs that > and will love you even more > for it! > Donna, Montyman's Mom > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2006 Report Share Posted September 14, 2006 Hi, 123 Magic by Phelan is a great video or book to use. Phelan go to amazon.com and put his name in. My sons school used this also and would just use counting fingers secretly from across the room and it worked. This is not your regular 123. School sent it home with parents that couldn't get their kids to listen. Jeannette Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2006 Report Share Posted September 14, 2006 Hi Ann. Try positive reinforcement - praise every little thing she does that is good at first. Try to ignore the negatives. She will want to continue to hear the praises. discipline >I noticed on one of the emails someone said that putting kids with DS into >time out is sometimes a no no. I didn't know that. What I do know is that >it doesn't work with Amelia (6, ds.) ly I have yet to see what does >work. Or works without a bunch of screaming (me) and crying and hitting >and slamming her bedroom door(Amelia.) Gentle but firm no's work on the >rare occassion. This is becoming a fairly serious problem in our home. My >husband banishes her to her room and is clearly angry-angry with her,angry >with me because I don't back him on his never ending demands to " Go to your >room. " He is against corporal punishement but I think he is causing >emotional damage. She has withdrawn from him in the last year-mainly >because he is angry a great deal of the time. I shriek like a fish wife >and then feel guilty and give hugs and kisses. Completely useless >technique. I am at my wits end. Help!!! > > Ann mom to Amelia (6,ds) and Jake (5) > > > --------------------------------- > All-new - Fire up a more powerful email and get things done > faster. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 2, 2007 Report Share Posted June 2, 2007 , I just know with my daughter I have to try to really be understanding. It's so easy to label some of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate misbehavior. With mine, many times the " misbehavior " is really a complete overload. She is overloaded emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can understand the difference between when she is completely overloaded due to her issues and when she is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond appropriately. If she is having a fit because she is somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try to ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to get her calmed down, and we can talk about it later. If it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control of herself. I think the most important thing we can do is understand when they are having a problem due to their disability. It's certainly not fair to punish them for that stuff. At the same time you have to have limits. And teach them the right things to do when they are stressed out. And when they are just misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get the same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy. I feel bad that I did not understand her issues better when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for things she could not help at all. And now that she is a " snotty middle school kid " the challenge is making sure I do not let her off the hook for something that needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child is my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. They are very hard to parent effectively. All we can do is the best we can do. Kaye --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl@...> wrote: > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 3, 2007 Report Share Posted June 3, 2007 The article below may give you some ideas. I do know that 123 Magic worked well for my son with Asperger's from the time he was about 4 to 10 years old. You may want to pick up the book and check it out. Pam Asperger Common Questions - Maap Services, Inc. Back to Top How do you discipline a child with AS? I tragically see a number of teachers saying "it's a matter of discipline!" Well, okay. Certainly having AS is not a license to do whatever you want to do, and there must be natural consequences. But my view is, with the child with AS, you must spend more time explaining what they did that was wrong, why it was wrong, what you are supposed to do, and how to know when you are supposed to do it. Quite often, when the child is very emotional and upset, it is not a good time to explain this. When you've got emotion, you haven't got logic. Look at love. Love is never logical. The same with anger or distress. So, that may not be the time to explain consequences, etc. You may need to deal with the situation when the child is relaxed, possibly a couple of hours later. You say, okay let's learn from this. Let's go through what happened. Often what you find is a miscommunication or a misinterpretation by one or both parties. Both parties need to see the perspective of the other. But the time to do that may be when the person is reasonable, not emotional. We do drawing, pictures, Carol Gray's social stories, all those sorts of things to go through that process. Often the child won't follow the rules unless they see a logical reason why, or if they see a value to themselves. And, if you talk about "people won't like you" - who cares? Or, "do it to please your teacher" - why should I please her? So what we have to use is, I'm afraid, a very mercenary approach. If you do this, this happens - if you do that, that happens. But it's very logical, it's almost like having a rule book. There are consequences for what you do, this is the logic. If you start getting into complicated personal relationships, you've lost it. You have to be quite firm in the consequences with that individual, but you do need to spend time explaining things. For example, if we have a child who has hurt another child, or their brother or sister ñ we may say, "say sorry" and the person says "sorry," and as far as they are concerned, that's the end! If he's done something wrong, he must do, or donate, something to his sister for example ñ tidy his sister's room, or share a chocolate bar that he was going to have at lunch time, half each ñ in other words something is lost or given, or they lose their time for the person concerned. They could also make an apology card. They must actually do something tangible, rather than just "sorry," and that's it. It does mean that you have to explain this to teachers, because they expect the kids to know. You've got to explain that in those circumstances, the child needs more explanation. I also explain to teachers, "don't use the degree of disruption as the measure of guilt." Although the AS child is the one who hit the hardest, he is not the only participant, and between them it was six of one, and half dozen of the other. Many AS kids hate the injustice - that they get all the blame, but the person who called them names gets no punishment. You need to deal with both parties in that situation. See what's free at AOL.com. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 3, 2007 Report Share Posted June 3, 2007 From: Kaye Bates <kcbates2003@...> Date: 2007/06/02 Sat PM 10:33:15 CDT Subject: Re: ( ) discipline Kaye..I feel the same way. I was totally over the top with my daughter when she was little (2-5) because I believed in strict discipline and I could not imagine why she was doing the things she was doing when I had never given in to her or let her run the show. Now I try to give more choices and let her feel in control when it's appropriate. I often wonder if I made things much worse for her. , I just know with my daughter I have to try to really be understanding. It's so easy to label some of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate misbehavior. With mine, many times the " misbehavior " is really a complete overload. She is overloaded emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can understand the difference between when she is completely overloaded due to her issues and when she is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond appropriately. If she is having a fit because she is somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try to ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to get her calmed down, and we can talk about it later. If it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control of herself. I think the most important thing we can do is understand when they are having a problem due to their disability. It's certainly not fair to punish them for that stuff. At the same time you have to have limits. And teach them the right things to do when they are stressed out. And when they are just misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get the same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy. I feel bad that I did not understand her issues better when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for things she could not help at all. And now that she is a " snotty middle school kid " the challenge is making sure I do not let her off the hook for something that needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child is my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. They are very hard to parent effectively. All we can do is the best we can do. Kaye --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl@...> wrote: > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 3, 2007 Report Share Posted June 3, 2007  We have fortunately found a family therapist at our son's RTC who gets it with Aspergers. She even understands his comorbid Aspergers and bipolar. She is helping us to try the strategy of identifying his feelings at the moment of the inappropriate behavior and labeling it for him. For example, she suggests that we take the nuturing role and tell him that we understand that he is frustrated, overloaded, etc. and that he needs a break until he can regroup. Sometimes this break is just turning his back on us and everything that is going on. Then later when he is calm and the situation is not about to explode we can discuss what has happened and a strategy to deal with it more appropriately. Of course, he is 14 and the "snotty middle school kid", too. So, it does take almost psychic abilities to tell what is "snotty" and what is "aspie"! Our 16 year old son is diagnosed Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, mood disorder, and anxiety disorder. He also shows a lot of "aspie" characteristics and it is difficult with him as well. For example, yesterday we had a man here measuring and discussing building a custom cabinet for our TV and stereo equipment. Sam was hungry and we had told him that we were going to go out to eat when we finished. He started saying things under his breath, "When is the old man going to be finished? I'm hungry and I want him to leave." I finally went out on the back patio and left my husband to deal with it. I figured that if Sam wanted to continue he could follow me and at least the man would not hear it. While I was on the patio, my 25yo son, who is diagnosed ADD, LD, mood disorder, anxiety, and also has some Aspergers characteristics come outside and starts complaining that he is hungry and wants the man to finish. At least at 25 he has figured out to say it in private. So, there is hope. But he can still act like the "snotty middle school kid" even at 25. Sometimes he is worse that the other two, because we expect that by 25 he should be better and he refuses to get any assistance for his disabilities. We plan to get guardianship of the other two boys to continue after they are 18 so that they will not be able to refuse services and we can continue to advocate and seek services for them. I agree that all we can do is our best. Donna Re: Re: ( ) discipline From: Kaye Bates <kcbates2003 >Date: 2007/06/02 Sat PM 10:33:15 CDT Subject: Re: ( ) disciplineKaye..I feel the same way. I was totally over the top with my daughter when she was little (2-5) because I believed in strict discipline and I could not imagine why she was doing the things she was doing when I had never given in to her or let her run the show. Now I try to give more choices and let her feel in control when it's appropriate. I often wonder if I made things much worse for her., I just know with my daughter I have to try toreally be understanding. It's so easy to label someof the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberatemisbehavior. With mine, many times the "misbehavior"is really a complete overload. She is overloadedemotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I canunderstand the difference between when she iscompletely overloaded due to her issues and when sheis cutting up on purpose, then I can respondappropriately. If she is having a fit because she issomewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try toignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to gether calmed down, and we can talk about it later. Ifit is a true meltdown she is not at all in control ofherself. I think the most important thing we can dois understand when they are having a problem due totheir disability. It's certainly not fair to punishthem for that stuff. At the same time you have tohave limits. And teach them the right things to dowhen they are stressed out. And when they are justmisbehaving like any other kid, they need to get thesame kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy. Ifeel bad that I did not understand her issues betterwhen she was smaller. I am sure I punished her forthings she could not help at all. And now that she isa "snotty middle school kid" the challenge is makingsure I do not let her off the hook for something thatneeds consequences. I have four kids, my AS child ismy youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. They are very hard to parent effectively. All we cando is the best we can do. Kaye--- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl > wrote:> Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child?> > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 3, 2007 Report Share Posted June 3, 2007 Kaye, I agree completely. I try to remove my boys when they become inappropriate in front of others - family or friends and then just talk to them. I don't convey the consequences at that time because that just leads to further meltdown. Even though I do know that the meltdown and the inappropriate words and behavior in the moment are a result of their disability, I do believe that they can be taught to recognize their triggers and to develop some automatic, though scripted responses. That is what the therapist is doing with our 14 yo who is in RTC now. It is also helping me to learn more and be able to do that with our 16yo who is still at home. We do have consequences for behaviors that are inappropriate because I do believe that if the consequences are consistent for the same behavior repeatedly then they can learn that as part of the scripted response to the behaviors. I hope that made sense. I just don't remind them of the consequences in the middle of the meltdown. The consequences are always the same and are discussed after the situation has calmed down and we are at home in a calm environment..Even if the behavior is a part of their disability, I do think that we need to teach appropriate replacement behaviors and have consequences and rewards to reinforce both. The therapist at the RTC is helping us to put together a manual like they have at his group home for our house, so everything will be in black and white. That way we can remove the emotions. I think that the hardest thing for me is the other people who are around when these meltdowns are happening. One of my paraeducators in the class I teach, has a 12yo daughter who is diagnosed Aspergers. One morning before school the child was on a rampage and calling her mother a few choice words. One of the 6th grade teachers made the comment that my para needed to take some parenting classes and get control of that girl. Whereas another para in the school who has taught the child, took her to her classroom and placed her in a quiet environment until she calmed down. Then she talked to her about appropriate responses and communicating her feelings. Sometimes I know that I get embarrassed and respond badly and escalate the situation because I want the people around to think that I am a good parent! So I have cards made up that point people who stare or make comments to information about Aspergers, bipolar, anxiety disorder and Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, since they seem so interested in my children's behavior and my parenting. Donna Re: ( ) discipline , I just know with my daughter I have to try toreally be understanding. It's so easy to label someof the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberatemisbehavior. With mine, many times the "misbehavior"is really a complete overload. She is overloadedemotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I canunderstand the difference between when she iscompletely overloaded due to her issues and when sheis cutting up on purpose, then I can respondappropriately. If she is having a fit because she issomewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try toignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to gether calmed down, and we can talk about it later. Ifit is a true meltdown she is not at all in control ofherself. I think the most important thing we can dois understand when they are having a problem due totheir disability. It's certainly not fair to punishthem for that stuff. At the same time you have tohave limits. And teach them the right things to dowhen they are stressed out. And when they are justmisbehaving like any other kid, they need to get thesame kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy. Ifeel bad that I did not understand her issues betterwhen she was smaller. I am sure I punished her forthings she could not help at all. And now that she isa "snotty middle school kid" the challenge is makingsure I do not let her off the hook for something thatneeds consequences. I have four kids, my AS child ismy youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. They are very hard to parent effectively. All we cando is the best we can do. Kaye--- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl > wrote:> Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child?> > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 3, 2007 Report Share Posted June 3, 2007 Once again, Kaye and Donna, wow...could not have said it better myself. You two must be amazing moms! ~ > > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child? > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 3, 2007 Report Share Posted June 3, 2007 Donna, you said some very important and useful things. It does kinda make you mad the way some people feel free to make judgements (like the teacher who said the para needed parenting classes). That does happen though when people don't understand. And maybe somebody needs to have a talk with that teacher so she might consider other possibilities besides the one where it is all the parent's fault. There are lots of special needs kids in the world. They just don't immediately LOOK that way. People would never dare to make remarks about a child with Down syndrome or a child in a wheelchair because they understand there are issues. They just don't immediately understand that about kids with ASD unless somebody points it out. I am at a point in my life where if I see somebody passing judgments I try to nicely let them know there are other reasons for what they see. It's getting to be a pet peeve. Or maybe a civil rights issue! Kaye --- Donna <donnalmoore@...> wrote: > Kaye, > > I agree completely. I try to remove my boys when > they become inappropriate in front of others - > family or friends and then just talk to them. I > don't convey the consequences at that time because > that just leads to further meltdown. Even though I > do know that the meltdown and the inappropriate > words and behavior in the moment are a result of > their disability, I do believe that they can be > taught to recognize their triggers and to develop > some automatic, though scripted responses. That is > what the therapist is doing with our 14 yo who is in > RTC now. It is also helping me to learn more and be > able to do that with our 16yo who is still at home. > > We do have consequences for behaviors that are > inappropriate because I do believe that if the > consequences are consistent for the same behavior > repeatedly then they can learn that as part of the > scripted response to the behaviors. I hope that > made sense. I just don't remind them of the > consequences in the middle of the meltdown. The > consequences are always the same and are discussed > after the situation has calmed down and we are at > home in a calm environment..Even if the behavior is > a part of their disability, I do think that we need > to teach appropriate replacement behaviors and have > consequences and rewards to reinforce both. > > The therapist at the RTC is helping us to put > together a manual like they have at his group home > for our house, so everything will be in black and > white. That way we can remove the emotions. > > I think that the hardest thing for me is the other > people who are around when these meltdowns are > happening. One of my paraeducators in the class I > teach, has a 12yo daughter who is diagnosed > Aspergers. One morning before school the child was > on a rampage and calling her mother a few choice > words. One of the 6th grade teachers made the > comment that my para needed to take some parenting > classes and get control of that girl. Whereas > another para in the school who has taught the child, > took her to her classroom and placed her in a quiet > environment until she calmed down. Then she talked > to her about appropriate responses and communicating > her feelings. Sometimes I know that I get > embarrassed and respond badly and escalate the > situation because I want the people around to think > that I am a good parent! So I have cards made up > that point people who stare or make comments to > information about Aspergers, bipolar, anxiety > disorder and Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, since > they seem so interested in my children's behavior > and my parenting. > > > Donna > Re: ( ) discipline > > > , I just know with my daughter I have to > try to > really be understanding. It's so easy to label > some > of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate > misbehavior. With mine, many times the > " misbehavior " > is really a complete overload. She is overloaded > emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can > understand the difference between when she is > completely overloaded due to her issues and when > she > is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond > appropriately. If she is having a fit because she > is > somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try > to > ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to > get > her calmed down, and we can talk about it later. > If > it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control > of > herself. I think the most important thing we can > do > is understand when they are having a problem due > to > their disability. It's certainly not fair to > punish > them for that stuff. At the same time you have to > have limits. And teach them the right things to do > when they are stressed out. And when they are just > misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get > the > same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy. > I > feel bad that I did not understand her issues > better > when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for > things she could not help at all. And now that she > is > a " snotty middle school kid " the challenge is > making > sure I do not let her off the hook for something > that > needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child > is > my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. > They are very hard to parent effectively. All we > can > do is the best we can do. > > Kaye > --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl@...> wrote: > > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child? > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 3, 2007 Report Share Posted June 3, 2007 I really liked reading what everybody else wrote. I was far more strict with my HFA son as a younger child than I am with the last (I have four kids). That's because I learned that behaviors exist in stages, that children often DO FORGET versus intentionally disobeying, and that discipline is something that takes years not one lesson. Over the years I learned that some of the things that I thought were autism was just good old fashioned misbehavior that needed modifying. I learned that each child needs different discipline at different stages in their life. Like a fingerprint, each parent/child situation is unique. > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2007 Report Share Posted June 4, 2007 Hi , I am pursuing my spec ed degree. I have been a teacher assist. for 9 years and have some experience with kids with aspergers. Can you give me any advice or experiences that you have had with the public schools. This is for my class. The focus is to find strategies to better serve these kids. Please help. Thanks RB -- ph W. Bandiera 9632 Simsbury Court Twinsburg, Ohio 44087 ---- LJL <laura6307@...> wrote: I really liked reading what everybody else wrote. I was far more strict with my HFA son as a younger child than I am with the last (I have four kids). That's because I learned that behaviors exist in stages, that children often DO FORGET versus intentionally disobeying, and that discipline is something that takes years not one lesson. Over the years I learned that some of the things that I thought were autism was just good old fashioned misbehavior that needed modifying. I learned that each child needs different discipline at different stages in their life. Like a fingerprint, each parent/child situation is unique. > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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